I have a confession to make – and it’s probably the most difficult confession I have made via my blog. I have an eating disorder. It’s not exactly what you may be thinking – but believe me when I tell you it is something I genuinely struggle with every day. I can’t stop overeating. Pretty much, I’m bulimic – but I forget to throw up. When I’m stressed, frustrated, tired, happy, sad, excited – pretty much any emotion other than content – I binge on anything I can find. I wish I could say that I only over indulge on sweets and chocolates – but that would be a lie. I wish I could say that salty snacks such as chips or trail mixes were my only weak spot – but that too would be a lie. I wouldn’t even dare try to pretend that my only vice would be fast food – because, you got it – I would be lying.
You see, I love it all. I love every bad for you food imaginable: sweets, snacks, fast food, fried food, etc. If you put a piece of cheesecake in front of me and a cup of fruit – I’m going for the cheesecake. And on the rare occasion that reason sets in and I decide to eat fruit as opposed to cheesecake, I will stare at whomever is eating cheesecake with disgust and jealousy. It’s honestly my biggest downfall.
Last Thursday while eating a bag of salt and vinegar chips, I had a mini meltdown. I cried to Steven that I was just unhappy with myself. I have so little self control when it comes to what I eat and how much I eat. Couple that with my lack of discipline in my workouts and I’m starting to pack on the pounds these days. Mind you – as I was crying – I was shoving salt and vinegar chips in my mouth. Starting to see the problem?
Last night Steven and I watched four episodes of “Kirstie Alley’s Big Life”. It was hysterical and entertaining. Steven *hates* reality TV – to the point that MTV is banned in his presence – but even he was laughing out loud at Kirstie’s shenanigans. Although it was comical, it was incredibly sad for me. I sat there watching her struggle with eating habits and exercise routines and I recognized so many flaws of my own. I could see how embarrassed she was at how her clothes fit – and I felt her pain as I feel the same way each morning when I search through my closet for something to wear. I watched her sneaking into the kitchen late night and understood how badly she wanted that piece of cake. I don’t think I have ever identified with a celebrity so strongly.
While I’m not quite as far gone as Kirstie, I realize that I have to make a real change. I just can’t keep doing this to myself. I’m a confident woman – I’m a capable woman – why on earth am I allowing an extra 10-15 pounds to keep me down like this? So I’m joining “Team Kirstie” and I’m going to lose the weight with her.
I’m back on Weight Watchers (any point friendly recipes are more than welcome!) and I’m hitting the gym each morning. I have even downloaded this neat little app on my Aeris that tracks my points for me. You know how us Type-A people love apps to keep our lives organized! It’s not going to be easy, but I’m determined to feel comfortable in my bathing suit this summer – and it’s only two months away.
PS: If you haven’t watched Kirstie Alley’s Big Life – you should definitely check it out. It’s fabulous!