Tiger Woods - Here's My Theory

I'm sure you have all read about the recent fiasco Tiger Woods has caused for himself. The media is going crazy with this one. At first I thought, "Big deal! The man got into a car accident outside his home and everyone is acting like the Pope died."

After learning the police have requested Tiger's hospital records to determine if the injuries he sustained from the "accident" were indicative of a car crash or more likely a result of domestic violence, the truth hit me like a bolt of lightening.

Tiger Got Beat!!! He came home way too late one night (2:30 am to be exact) with some tell-tell sign that set his wife off. She made some wild accusation that turned out to be true and Tiger was caught like a deer in the head lights. Elin (previously mentioned wife) grabbed the first thing she could get her hands on (one can only imagine golf clubs litter the hallways of Tiger's home) and starting wailing on the guy. Tiger fled from the house scared out of his mind. Oh no - that wasn't working for Elin. She ran after him, golf club in hand and bashed in both windows to his Escalade. Poor Tiger (insert sarcasm) was so distraught and bewildered that he couldn't even back out of his own driveway. CRASH! There goes the fire hydrant. OH NO - did I just hit my neighbor's tree?? Really Tiger - you married the woman. You had to know she had a streak of crazy somewhere in her. You honestly thought it would be a good idea to run around on her? Apparently she taught you another valuable way to utilize your 5 iron.

I know she might go to jail if she is convicted - but I say GOOD FOR HER! I wish she would call a press conference and state two simple sentences: "Heck yeah I beat the cheater. I'd do it again!" Elin is not one of the celebrity wives that looks the other way. Amen! Amen!

Perhaps I'm being heartless here, but I simply cannot help myself. I warned Steven after hearing the most recent update concerning the ongoing investigation. "Let that be a lesson to you. If you ever come into our home later than you should and having been somewhere that you shouldn't have been - I will beat you with whatever I can get my hands on. I don't care if it's my stilettos, the fire poker or Dixie - I will cause you more pain than you could imagine. I will beat you and call your Mama and brag about it." I mean it too! The headlines will read, "Idiot husband loses family jewels after running around on wife."

Steven was quite frustrated and wondered how a cheating Tiger Woods meant that he needed to be yelled at. I say a good warning never hurt anybody. Ever heard of "The Fear of God"? Well I'm working on a little thing I like to call, "The Fear of Amber". I seem to be doing a pretty good job. :)

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas

Can I just take a moment to say how incredibly excited I am about the upcoming holiday season?? Something about this time of season puts an extra pep in my step! This year it seems as if the holidays are on crack! Is it just me, or has the holiday season kicked off early this year? Two radio stations in Charlotte are playing Christmas music non-stop. I have seen numerous homes with Christmas trees lit and decorations littering their lawns. Many department stores already have Christmas decorations on full display. There has been talk of drastic deals for Black Friday for the past two weeks. Apparently the retail industry is doing its best to inspire some holiday cheer and entice consumers into getting off their wallets in this bleak economy.

And I am eating it up left and right! Who doesn’t love cheep Christmas decorations? Buying Christmas presents on sale?? (We’ve already discussed how I love a good deal.) My Christmas list is made. I know exactly what I want to get every person I need to shop for. Now I am just waiting and looking for the best deal possible. It’s one of my favorite parts of the holidays!

I know that some may feel burdened by the sooner than normal onset of the holidays. I’m sure for many the thought of keeping up this holiday cheer for a full two months seems exhausting and overwhelming. I must say, I’m loving it! I cannot wait to decorate my home with Christmas cheer this weekend. I’m looking forward to sitting by the fire with the Christmas tree glowing and Dixie and Bauer fretting over all the clutter. I am generally a happier person from Thanksgiving Day thru New Years Day. So take advantage of my Yule tide merriment. Come January 2nd I will be back to my pessimistic, overworked self! J

Happy Holidays!

Self Revelation

So I’ve had a revelation. Many people have been trying to tell me this for many years and I have just been too stubborn to listen – but I have had a self revelation and I finally see myself as I really am: I AM CHEAP! I know. It’s taboo – it’s tacky to be cheap, but I am. I love saving money. I hate paying full price for anything. I stray away from cutesy boutiques because everything is overpriced. Give me a Wal-Mart and I’m happy. Give me coupons at Wal-Mart and I’m in heaven.

Steven complains often about my obsession with finding the best deal. I cannot tell you how many times he has said, “My mother never used Great Value ketchup. Heinz only Amber!” or “Seriously, this $1 shampoo is making my scalp burn!” or “Please buy real Q-tips. These stupid plastic things keep bending in my ears!” My favorite is, “I cannot make decent spaghetti sauce with these crappy Wal-Mart tomatoes! (Amazing how I make great chilli with crappy Wal-Mart tomatoes.) Apparently I married a name brand snob (Kathy – how did this happen?!) So we have had to work on a few compromises in our house over this past year. I buy Heinz ketchup, Loreal shampoo, name brand Q-tips & Bertolli pasta sauce. Steven has learned how to eat Great Value brand for many staple items in our pantry.

In my defense, I come by it honest. I have cheap on both sides of my family. My mother is frugal. She can take $50 and buy more with it than any woman I have ever known. Her eyes light up when she sees a Wal-Mart. My Mema (dad’s mom) took the word “frugal” to a whole ‘nother level. Let’s call a spade a spade – she was cheap! In her defense, she was a product of the depression. She learned how to survive on very little and lived very meagerly. She always lived by the motto that just because you had lots of money to spend, didn’t mean that you had to spend a lot of money. Mema’s store of choice was K-Mart. If K-Mart didn’t have it, she didn’t need it.

So my whole life I have been taught that saving money is a good thing. I truly believe it is a good thing. Why would I pay $1 for an item at a pricy local grocery store when I can pay $.50 at Super Wal-Mart. (For the naysayers – the price difference is that great!) And if I have a $.25 coupon and can get the item for $.25, well that’s something to get excited about! I know that most people see “Coupon Women” in line at the grocery and think “Oh my goodness – how ridiculous. Just pay full price and stop holding up the line!” Not me! I think, “Good for you! You go girl – save that money! Stick it to the man. You’re too smart to pay full price!” I feel a kindred spirit with other women who are cheap and proud.

So that’s it. I’m cheap! As Steven recently called me, “My wife – the coupon queen” – that’s me! One day, when we have a nice bank account and can retire before the rest of our friends, he’ll thank me. Until then, he’ll just have to learn to live with off brand tomatoes.

**Just a side note before I make myself sound like a vagabond - every cheap person has their extravagance to splurge on. I don’t even want to know how much money mom has invested in scrapbooking materials. Granted, she probably bought most of it on sale – but I guarantee she has spent a lot. Mema had a jewelry collection that would rival any Southern belle. Of course she always said, “Oh Winford, you shouldn’t have!” every time she opened the shiny boxes. I haven’t quite figured out what my extravagance is just yet. I do love a fabulous designer bag. I also enjoy travel which is by far the most expensive hobby you can have. We’ll see which passion wins out over the next few years.

Have a Happy Period!

Caveat: If you are a man, you might not want to read this!

I saw the most offensive commercial I have ever seen in my life last night. The catch phrase of this commercial was so appalling that I had to rewind and replay it twice just to make sure I heard it correctly.Always – the tampon/feminine product company – is apparently trying to revamp its imagine and has created a new slogan. The commercial did contain very alluring information – a panty liner that doesn’t budge!?! A woman in an all white dress was performing gymnastics, acrobatics and contortionism in order to prove that this “all new” panty liner was the most durable product on the market. I mean really, really!?!? Who would actually wear an all white dress on her period? I don’t care how amazing your panty liner/tampon is. You’re just looking for trouble!

But okay – it’s a panty liner. How dazzling can an advertisement really be? I’ll give them credit for trying to glamorize one of the most disgusting products in the world (Think about the purpose of those things!). It wasn’t until the last line of the promo that I thought I was going to come unglued. As the beautiful, energetic woman in white faded into the background with a smile on her face the announcer read “Always – Have a Happy Period!”

I’m sorry?? Did you just tell me to have a happy period?? You’re trying to sell me a panty liner and have the audacity to tell me to have a happy period? Well this just proves that men really did invent panty hose, tampons & high heels because no woman in her right mind would ever say “Have a happy period!” It’s like telling an actor “Good luck!” Only a man would have created this ad campaign as well. A woman would know that by saying, “Have a happy period!” the company loses all credibility with women world wide. How can you claim to know how to engineer the perfect panty liner that absorbs everything and eliminates leaks when you obviously have no freaking clue what a period is!!!

We’re not just talking blood here people. If only that were the worst of it. I can deal with the bleeding for five days. Granted, the constant bleeding does cause you to feel a little faint and possibly queasy majority of the time, but that’s just part of the territory. I might even be able to handle the insane breakouts that come during that special time of the month. I mean who doesn’t enjoy looking like they are 15 again? What I can’t deal with are the intense mood swings and horrific cramps.

This is just something that men can’t seem to understand. If I have told him once, I’ve told him a hundred times. “Yes, Steven, I am being completely unreasonable. I am crying at the commercial with the puppy. And now because you are laughing at me for crying, I am furious. I’m not just furious, I am irate. You are the most insensitive man in the world. The only thing that will remotely make this situation better right now is if you run to the store and bring me a Coke icy and Snickers.” You would think month after month he would just learn not to laugh at me when I start crying at the puppy commercial… And here’s the thing: It may be unreasonable, but we just don’t care! Our emotions are out of whack - our hormones are off the charts! Men will always be wrong and women will always be right during that time of the month!

Onto the cramps. Even though most birth controls temper the pain of menstruating, most women still experience at least one day of mind numbing cramps. It feels as if someone has my uterus in their hands and is trying to give me an Indian burn. Simultaneously, it feels as if someone else is dragging a knife up and down my lower back. My legs feel like utter jello – which at this point may be a blessing in disguise because I don’t know if I can handle another aching part of my body. The worst part is the cramps generally wait to hit at the most inopportune time: at work, at church, during a workout, during a night out. So not only am I in excruciating pain, I’m also in uncomfortable clothes and sweating profusely all while trying to act like everything is “A-okay”. This is why women are better than men. Every man I know gets a little head cold and he turns into a child again. Women deal with true illness every month and the world keeps spinning round.

So please – Mr. Director for the “Always” commercial – don’t tell me to have a happy period. I will NOT being buying your product, because you have insulted me beyond belief. It’s as if you are mocking me. Have a Happy Period. Enjoy those cramps ladies. As a matter of fact welcome them. Embrace the bloating and fatigue. You’re a woman – it’s your blessing.
Grr!!!