Have a Happy Period!

Caveat: If you are a man, you might not want to read this!

I saw the most offensive commercial I have ever seen in my life last night. The catch phrase of this commercial was so appalling that I had to rewind and replay it twice just to make sure I heard it correctly.Always – the tampon/feminine product company – is apparently trying to revamp its imagine and has created a new slogan. The commercial did contain very alluring information – a panty liner that doesn’t budge!?! A woman in an all white dress was performing gymnastics, acrobatics and contortionism in order to prove that this “all new” panty liner was the most durable product on the market. I mean really, really!?!? Who would actually wear an all white dress on her period? I don’t care how amazing your panty liner/tampon is. You’re just looking for trouble!

But okay – it’s a panty liner. How dazzling can an advertisement really be? I’ll give them credit for trying to glamorize one of the most disgusting products in the world (Think about the purpose of those things!). It wasn’t until the last line of the promo that I thought I was going to come unglued. As the beautiful, energetic woman in white faded into the background with a smile on her face the announcer read “Always – Have a Happy Period!”

I’m sorry?? Did you just tell me to have a happy period?? You’re trying to sell me a panty liner and have the audacity to tell me to have a happy period? Well this just proves that men really did invent panty hose, tampons & high heels because no woman in her right mind would ever say “Have a happy period!” It’s like telling an actor “Good luck!” Only a man would have created this ad campaign as well. A woman would know that by saying, “Have a happy period!” the company loses all credibility with women world wide. How can you claim to know how to engineer the perfect panty liner that absorbs everything and eliminates leaks when you obviously have no freaking clue what a period is!!!

We’re not just talking blood here people. If only that were the worst of it. I can deal with the bleeding for five days. Granted, the constant bleeding does cause you to feel a little faint and possibly queasy majority of the time, but that’s just part of the territory. I might even be able to handle the insane breakouts that come during that special time of the month. I mean who doesn’t enjoy looking like they are 15 again? What I can’t deal with are the intense mood swings and horrific cramps.

This is just something that men can’t seem to understand. If I have told him once, I’ve told him a hundred times. “Yes, Steven, I am being completely unreasonable. I am crying at the commercial with the puppy. And now because you are laughing at me for crying, I am furious. I’m not just furious, I am irate. You are the most insensitive man in the world. The only thing that will remotely make this situation better right now is if you run to the store and bring me a Coke icy and Snickers.” You would think month after month he would just learn not to laugh at me when I start crying at the puppy commercial… And here’s the thing: It may be unreasonable, but we just don’t care! Our emotions are out of whack - our hormones are off the charts! Men will always be wrong and women will always be right during that time of the month!

Onto the cramps. Even though most birth controls temper the pain of menstruating, most women still experience at least one day of mind numbing cramps. It feels as if someone has my uterus in their hands and is trying to give me an Indian burn. Simultaneously, it feels as if someone else is dragging a knife up and down my lower back. My legs feel like utter jello – which at this point may be a blessing in disguise because I don’t know if I can handle another aching part of my body. The worst part is the cramps generally wait to hit at the most inopportune time: at work, at church, during a workout, during a night out. So not only am I in excruciating pain, I’m also in uncomfortable clothes and sweating profusely all while trying to act like everything is “A-okay”. This is why women are better than men. Every man I know gets a little head cold and he turns into a child again. Women deal with true illness every month and the world keeps spinning round.

So please – Mr. Director for the “Always” commercial – don’t tell me to have a happy period. I will NOT being buying your product, because you have insulted me beyond belief. It’s as if you are mocking me. Have a Happy Period. Enjoy those cramps ladies. As a matter of fact welcome them. Embrace the bloating and fatigue. You’re a woman – it’s your blessing.
Grr!!!