Wednesday, August 10, 2011

It's About So Much More Than These Current Struggles

I’ve stared at this blank computer screen for weeks now planning my blogger comeback.


I’ve searched for witty quips, inspirational stories or heartfelt words that could somehow explain my absence over the past four months.

There has to be some grand explanation for why I have been silent for so long.

But the truth is, there really is none.

Arguments could be made that I am going through a legitimate quarter life crisis. Or I could point to the 55+ hour work weeks coupled with a 45 minute commute and multiple weekends worked over the past four months. There’s also the fact that I’m still struggling through a knee injury. Or maybe I’ve felt too guilty to blog – my house is a mess, I’m gaining weight again and I have felt like an utter failure as a wife for the past four months – so why should I spend time blogging when I obviously have so many issues that need to be addressed?

The last time I blogged I referenced some 30 Days To A Better Me. Seriously? What was I thinking? I’m not sure where I got that. Maybe too many articles written by Bethenny Frankel or Dr. Phil? Either way – that challenge was an epic fail.

I’ve learned some seriously difficult lessons over the past eighteen months. And through each of those hardships I have put unnecessary pressure on myself to overcome with perfection.

And I’m flat out tired.

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I don’t recognize the woman staring back at me.

Where did these bags under my eyes come from? When is the last time I actually fixed my hair? And what’s with this chipped finger nail polish? Or the fact that I haven’t shaved my legs in days? Why have I felt nauseas for weeks?

But there are signs that are more troubling than the physical. Where has my passion for life gone? Since when do I let fear control me? Why can’t I sleep? Who am I and how do I get the real Amber back?

I don’t want to give the wrong impression. I’m not depressed. I’m not on the verge of doing something stupid. I’m just not me. And I don’t know how or when this happened. Somehow I’ve slowly become jaded over the past eighteen months and I’m so tired of it.

And I think therein lies the truth about why I haven’t blogged in so long. I hate admitting weakness. I hate admitting fear or sadness. I want to be bubbly, funny, encouraging & inspirational. I want to write words that bring a smile to someone’s face or a tear to their eye. I do not want to be this.

There’s enough sadness & drama in this world without another blogger going on and on about feelings of insecurity.

But I realize if I am ever going to find myself again, I’ve got to be honest about how I got here. Writing is a passion of mine. It’s an outlet for happiness, truth, pain, fear, serenity & comfort.

And I have to believe that there are other twenty something women going through the same issues – how do I balance career & a family – how do I maintain a positive self-image – how do I foster my faith and witness to my lost friends – how do I manage expectations from my parents, husband and friends?

So there is no plan. I’m removing the pressure. My Type-A personality is begging me to sit down and write a list of 10 Steps To A Better You. But that’s bogus and I know it.

So I’m just going to write. I’m going to share my insecurities and pray that the Lord will bless my honesty. I’m going to share words of encouragement that have moved me over the past eighteen months. I’m going to find the woman that I once was and I’m going to gain an appreciate for the challenges I have been through.

Because ultimately life is not about success, money, accomplishments or ambition. Life is about relationships. It’s about sharing the best and worst of yourself with others and allowing those moments to change you for the better. It’s about having faith that Christ has a purpose for you and actively seeking His will and following as He leads.

It’s about so much more than these current struggles……



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