Thursday, October 20, 2011

I Need A Home Ec Class

The housewife in me is filled with *shame* as I type these words.

Your eyes are not playing a trick on you. That is my husband sewing a button back onto his pants. Why, you might ask? Because I don't know how to sew. Not even a silly button.

I think I'm missing that gene. The crafty, skilled with your hands, woman can make anything gene. My mom has it. Lord knows my Mema had it. My sister is even pretty good with domestic affairs such as sewing - but not me.

I think it's time I enrolled myself into a Home Ec class. Maybe a "Domestic For Dummies" tutorial of some sort might do the trick.

I watched last night as Steven skillfully sewed a button back onto his pants and my womanhood cracked just a tiny bit. Even Bauer wondered what was going on! I swear he shot me a look that said, "This is woman's work mom!"

To make matters worse, Steven kindly offered to iron my dress pants after finishing up with his pants. He wasn't being a jerk. He simply offered to iron my pants because he knows how much I hate ironing and he was willing to do this chore for me.

Needless to say I went to bed feeling like a fraud. I'm a wife, and I own a house. But I'm nowhere near the housewife my Mema trained me to be.

I woke this morning with the urge to bake a pie or crochet a blanket. I'm pretty sure I dreamed about becoming a domestic goddess last night......

PS - Those aren't Steven's glasses. They are mine - he was just trying to thread the needle and needed a little help.  :)

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

So I've Been Thinking....

If I have some important news that I want to share, I like to start the conversation with, "So - I've been thinking." This statement is an indication that what I am about to say is of the utmost importance and I expect hubby to drop whatever he is doing and listen intently. I don't like to just come out and say what's on my mind. I make my intro statement, pause and wait for hubby's full attention.

Unfortunately, the phrase, "So - I've been thinking" is generally met with an immediate, "Here we go again." I swear Steven eagerly waits for me to announce my latest revelation just so that he can mock me.

It really is quite annoying. I don't understand why he won't take me seriously. For example......

Me: So I've been thinking.
Steven: Here we go again - what have you been thinking?
Me: I want to live in a place with mountains in the background. Not actually in the mountains - just where I can turn around and see the mountains. You know, like how you see snapshots of all those college stadiums with mountains as a backdrop. Let's sell the house and move some place like that.
Steven: You realize that you are physically, deathly afraid of the mountains right?
Me: Yes - I *hate* being in the mountains. But I like to look at them - they are pretty.
Steven: Do you think that if you lived that close to the mountains there is a really good chance you will have to go into the mountains often?
Me: I just said we should consider it....

Me: So I've been thinking.
Steven: Here we go again.....
Me: I think I know what I want to do with my life!
Steven: What's that? (With an 'I can't wait for this grin on his face)
Me: I want to make designer, orthopedic shoes for women with knee/foot problems. You know, shoes that are fabulously trendy but supportive. I could make a fortune!
Steven: How do you know those don't already exist?
Me: Because I went to Southpark Mall and couldn't find anything like it!
Steven: Well honey shoes exist in places other than Southpark Mall. Have you googled designer orthopedic shoes?
Me: No.
Steven: Okay. Well do you know how to design shoes.
Me: Of course I don't! I'll pay someone to design them for me.
Steven: Where will you sell them?
Me: the mall??
Steven: Where will you get the start-up money?
Me: I don't know.
Steven: Haven't thought this one through have you?
Me: You're always brining me down.....

Conversations such as the above are a weekly occurrence. Obviously I am talking about life changing important issues and hubby should get on my page!

Perhaps if I spent my energy thinking about more practical things such as meal planning, scheduling workouts and chores I might be much more productive and the hubby might take me a little more seriously.


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

True Life: I'm Bipolar

One thing has become blaring apparent to me over the past three weeks. I am bipolar.

For some of my closest friends, this comes as no surprise.

But I have been quite surprised to discover that I have two distinct personalities.

Allow me to introduce Skinny Amber. She's a no excuses, eat well and train hard kind of girl. She likes to try new Zone/Paleo recipes and keeps a fridge stocked full of fresh fruits, vegetables & lean proteins. She thrives off the endorphine high she gets from an early morning workout and has no problem rising at 5:00 am every morning to hit the gym before work. She lives for calloused hands and sore muscles. She can stare a Snickers bar straight in the face without blinking. She's got conviction. She's got guts. She's a size 4 with six pack abs and a smokin' hot booty.

Fat Amber is a different story. She's a sit on your butt wearing sweatpants while stuffing your face with double stuffed oreos kind of girl. Her favorite foods include salt-n-vinegar chips, Snickers candy bars, McDonald's Big Macs and peanut butter fudge milkshakes. Her idea of a good workout is a leisurely stroll through Target while sipping on a Pumpkin Spice Latte. Her favorite past time is sleeping and she will stay in the bed until the latest second possible every morning in order to avoid starting her workday. She is lazy. She is a whiner. She's 300 pounds with bad skin and cankles.

Every morning there is an epic battle between Skinny Amber & Fat Amber. The alarm clock goes off at 5:00 am jolting me from a deep sleep, and suddenly I hear two distinct voices in my head begging me to make a decision:

Skinny Amber: (In a confident, optimistic voice that sounds something like Monica from Friends) Good morning! Get up girl! It's a new day. It's time to meet our goals. Time to rehab that knee. Time to better yourself. Let's do this!
Fat Amber: (In a deep, dreary voice that sounds something like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh) Don't do this to me! It's too early! Unplug that God awful contraption and let's go back to sleep. Rehab is for losers!
Skinny Amber: Don't listen to her. She's fat and sad. She wants you to be just like her. You need to get out of bed. You need to start your day right. Do this for your health. Do this for yourself. Do this for your skinny jeans!
Fat Amber: Why do you allow her hang out with us?? She's obnoxious! Being skinny is overrated! And who honestly cares about their health these days? Go back to sleep and I'll treat you to a sausage biscuit on the way to work. Now that's a way to start your day!
Skinny Amber: Allow me to hang out with you? Listen here fatty - if it weren't for me there would be no going to work each day. Amber would be so big that it would take a crane and crew of six men to get her out of the bed if you got your way! Amber...for the love of all things holy....Get.Out.Of.The.Bed!
Fat Amber: Oh no she didn't! Are you going to let her talk to us this way? What's the point of being skinny if you're too exhausted to enjoy it? Skinny people are angry people. You need to give Skinny Amber a cheeseburger.
Skinny Amber: Okay - I really didn't want to have to do this. But I can see that you aren't getting out of this bed. So here it's the truth. And I only say this because I care about you.
Fat Amber: This should be interesting. She "cares" about you. I care about sleep!
Skinny Amber: Your husband looks better than you do naked!!!

And just like that.....I'm up! I can't believe Skinny Amber dropped a truth bomb like that at 5 in the morning. Fat Amber's got a point. Skinny Amber really can be such a........

Monday, October 10, 2011

Miscellany Monday

Miscellany Monday @ lowercase letters

{one} I survived my first close at the new job by myself. For those of you who don't know - I'm an accountant for an international company headquartered in Charlotte. And month end close is always a very busy time of the month for me. Last month was my first time closing my portion of the books by myself. It wasn't pretty - but I survived. :)

{two} I'm on my second cup of coffee already this morning. I feel utterly exhausted this morning. I'm not quite sure why. I have glaring bags under my eyes and my skin just look sullen. Am I possibly catching an early case of the winter blues? Maybe I need a power nap.

{three} I really want to see Footloose this weekend. Does that make me a total teeny bopper? Footloose was one of my favorite 80's movies and I'm so *pumped* that they have remade it with a modern day spin. I may be planning a girl's night to see this one....

{four} I'm so ready for the holidays. I think I'm mainly just excited to have a few days off from work. This year has been pretty tough on me. Three different jobs in one year is a little overwhelming. I haven't had a day off since June and I'm kind of beat. A tiny part of me wishes Steven and I could just lock ourselves away for the holidays and not go anywhere or see anyone. Just light a fire and curl up watching holiday movies for an entire week with nothing to do and nowhere to go. But I know that's never going to happen. Maybe one of these years we will sneak away to Jamaica for the holidays. We keep saying that we are going to do it before we have kids - but it hasn't happened yet!

{five} I've mentioned this a few times on Twitter - but seriously, what's all this buzz about Pinterest? I have received multiple invitations, but haven't joined yet. I'm not sure if I have time for another social media distraction in my life. But apparently it's all the rage!

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