True Life: I'm a Klutz

As I was getting ready Monday morning, an old pair of super cute black pumps caught my attention. I haven’t worn them in a very long time and couldn’t remember for the life of me why I hadn’t worn them – they were so cute! So I threw them on and headed out the door, ready to start my week off right. As I completed the walk from my car to my office building, I quickly remembered why I hadn’t worn these shoes in over 2 years – I can’t walk in them! I mean seriously, they have *super* pointed toes and I trip almost constantly in them. I braced myself for what was sure to be a difficult day trying not to fall and settled into my work load.

At lunch, I completed a few errands and grabbed a coffee. As I absentmindedly walked back to the office, the most embarrassing event that has happened to me in quite a long time occurred. It all happened so quickly, but everything seemed to be moving in slow motion…

As I approached the entrance way, coffee and purse in hand, I noticed a group of men leaving the building – heading out the same door I was going into. I shuffled to the right to make room and tripped on my stupid shoes. I was lost in thought at the moment and completely caught off guard. Unable to gain my balance, I knew that I would plummet to unavoidable death, demise embarrassment. On my downward descent, I realized that not only was I going to bust my butt in front of this group of men, I was also going to take one of them down with me.

As my coffee flew from my hand and my body collided with the gentleman directly in front of me, I realized that my face was either going to land smack on the concrete or smack in this man’s crotch. Being the conservative married woman that I am, I opted for concrete. OUCH! Once we both hit the ground, I was laying face down across this poor man. His coworkers wore an expression of shock and humor. He on the other hand just looked like he was in pain. I jumped to my feet as quickly as possible and immediately began apologizing…”I’m so sorry! Please forgive me. It’s these shoes…it’s Monday…I’m so sorry…are you okay?” Thankfully he gave me a polite smile and a small laugh. “I’m fine – are you okay?” What did he mean by that you? This poor girl obviously has mental problems and can’t even stay on her own two feet…I feel too sorry for her to be angry that she just tackled me to the ground and almost bit my crotch! Something about the way he said “you” was humiliating and after one last quick apology I darted into the office building practically sprinting toward the elevator in hope of an escape.

I had barely made it three feet when I heard my victim shout, “Excuse me miss…I believe you dropped some…umm…personal items….” As I turned around, I saw him and his coworkers picking up my tampons, Midol & lip glosses. I trotted back and quickly took the items – I had this urge to make some crazy joke like, “Well at least I’m not pregnant – right?!?” But I said nothing…I’m pretty sure my brain wasn’t working at this point. I turned around and walked every so slowly back to my office. As if it wasn’t bad enough that I fell and took another person down with me – I had to give a show-and-tell to complete strangers letting them know that Aunt Flo was in town.

As I sat in the safety of my cubicle, rubbing my knee and trying to temper the ringing in my ears, I realized – this is the story of my life. I’m a klutz and I’m absentminded. No matter how hard I try, I will always fall at the most inopportune times and show up to church with lipstick on my teeth. I will always burn the crescent rolls and there is a slim chance that I will ever put away my Christmas ornaments without breaking one. I need to start writing these stories down – one day they might make me a lot of money!

So now that I have shared a most humiliating moment with you – I figure I will let you ask me anything. Anything you want to know about me, my life with hubby, just anything – feel free to ask. I will blog on Sunday with answers to any questions.

Happy Hump Day – do you best to stay on your feet!