Wednesday, August 10, 2011

It's About So Much More Than These Current Struggles

I’ve stared at this blank computer screen for weeks now planning my blogger comeback.


I’ve searched for witty quips, inspirational stories or heartfelt words that could somehow explain my absence over the past four months.

There has to be some grand explanation for why I have been silent for so long.

But the truth is, there really is none.

Arguments could be made that I am going through a legitimate quarter life crisis. Or I could point to the 55+ hour work weeks coupled with a 45 minute commute and multiple weekends worked over the past four months. There’s also the fact that I’m still struggling through a knee injury. Or maybe I’ve felt too guilty to blog – my house is a mess, I’m gaining weight again and I have felt like an utter failure as a wife for the past four months – so why should I spend time blogging when I obviously have so many issues that need to be addressed?

The last time I blogged I referenced some 30 Days To A Better Me. Seriously? What was I thinking? I’m not sure where I got that. Maybe too many articles written by Bethenny Frankel or Dr. Phil? Either way – that challenge was an epic fail.

I’ve learned some seriously difficult lessons over the past eighteen months. And through each of those hardships I have put unnecessary pressure on myself to overcome with perfection.

And I’m flat out tired.

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I don’t recognize the woman staring back at me.

Where did these bags under my eyes come from? When is the last time I actually fixed my hair? And what’s with this chipped finger nail polish? Or the fact that I haven’t shaved my legs in days? Why have I felt nauseas for weeks?

But there are signs that are more troubling than the physical. Where has my passion for life gone? Since when do I let fear control me? Why can’t I sleep? Who am I and how do I get the real Amber back?

I don’t want to give the wrong impression. I’m not depressed. I’m not on the verge of doing something stupid. I’m just not me. And I don’t know how or when this happened. Somehow I’ve slowly become jaded over the past eighteen months and I’m so tired of it.

And I think therein lies the truth about why I haven’t blogged in so long. I hate admitting weakness. I hate admitting fear or sadness. I want to be bubbly, funny, encouraging & inspirational. I want to write words that bring a smile to someone’s face or a tear to their eye. I do not want to be this.

There’s enough sadness & drama in this world without another blogger going on and on about feelings of insecurity.

But I realize if I am ever going to find myself again, I’ve got to be honest about how I got here. Writing is a passion of mine. It’s an outlet for happiness, truth, pain, fear, serenity & comfort.

And I have to believe that there are other twenty something women going through the same issues – how do I balance career & a family – how do I maintain a positive self-image – how do I foster my faith and witness to my lost friends – how do I manage expectations from my parents, husband and friends?

So there is no plan. I’m removing the pressure. My Type-A personality is begging me to sit down and write a list of 10 Steps To A Better You. But that’s bogus and I know it.

So I’m just going to write. I’m going to share my insecurities and pray that the Lord will bless my honesty. I’m going to share words of encouragement that have moved me over the past eighteen months. I’m going to find the woman that I once was and I’m going to gain an appreciate for the challenges I have been through.

Because ultimately life is not about success, money, accomplishments or ambition. Life is about relationships. It’s about sharing the best and worst of yourself with others and allowing those moments to change you for the better. It’s about having faith that Christ has a purpose for you and actively seeking His will and following as He leads.

It’s about so much more than these current struggles……

34 comments:

Katie said...

I got so excited when I saw your post and it was so inspiring. you are inspiring. you are so right about all this..everyone struggles!! Hang in there girl.

Michelle (michabella) said...

I abotu screamed with excitement seeing your blog pop up on my blog list today. Girl I have missed you. I am so sorry you are going through this. I have some VERY similar feelings/issues going on with me as well. I am not happy. At all. I haven't blogged "personal" posts in quite some time....just bogus posts. I really havent been myself either. So know that I understand. You need to take time for you. To clear your head. Be it a few minutes before bed. Take deep breaths and just BE STILL. And ultimately...your A-type personality has GOT to give it God. That is the only way you are going to make it through all this. To overcome all of this. I am reading a book right now that is helping me to find thankfulness in the small things of my crazy, unhappy life. You probably don't have time to read through it but if you would like the name of it let me know. I will be praying for you as well. Hang in there sweet friend! Thanks for being so open and honest. <3

Jesica said...

Write on! Sometimes posts about insecurities and struggles are the most inspirational and they're ALWAYS therapeutic to write.

Ashley said...

I was so excited to see you post -- you have been in my thoughts these past few months, i knew you were probably super busy with the job...and holy toledo - I can't believe it has BEEN four months!

I have been going through very similar things. i couldnt find motivation for much except to hang out with J whenever he was home. I haven't been working out or cleaning, I'll clean enough to keep up with things so I don't look like a hoarder lol but I just haven't had that spark in me. I was feeling terrible about myself. I talked with The Husband about it this past week and cried a lot about it and prayed. I am starting to feel better - I am forcing myself to get back into the things I enjoyed, that made me feel better about me and made me feel like a better wife. I'm getting there -- I'm not nearly as angry in the mornings driving to work.
I am sorry you are struggling and I am glad to hear that you are going to be sharing in your struggles -- I find writing/sharing to be therapeutic. Big hugs and warm fuzzies coming at you sweet girl!

ajs {of MN} said...

it scares me when...

i think about that blogger friend of mine that i havent seen {her writing} in a looooooong them and BAM there you are... here you are!! welcome back, i always LOVE seeing you on your blog. i am ALSO so not feeling like ME- 6 weeks into a new life with baby and just trying to adjust, it's taking a while but each awesome day makes the last one worth it! i am loving baby, i am loving life and finally starting to feel like myself again! you'll get there, you'll find yourself once again. just keep writing ;) missed you! A

ashley said...

I have to admit, when I saw your blog pop up in my reader I was super pumped as well and it's my first read of the day...so glad to hear from you.

So sorry to hear that you aren't feeling like yourself and that you are still dealing with your knee injury. It's not easy getting your game back once you are down, but know that we are all here for you and praying for you.

You will find the strength needed in time, in the meantime, do what you need to do for you and take care of yourself.

x

PinkLouLou said...

I have missed you pretty girl!

Girl, you just be real, and that is what we want :) I'll say a prayer for you that you start feeling better. It happens to us all from time to time. I know you have had a tough year, but just keep shining, it WILL get better.

xoxox

Mrs. Lopez said...

I'm sorry you have been going through all this and felt like you couldn't write about it. I know how you feel about wanting to be perfect all the time and trying to figure out how to be the best wife, daughter, friend, etc. I am going through the same thing adding to that mother. It's hard and its ok to not be bubbly all the time. Some times life kicks us in the ass and it is how we bounce back from it that counts. I hope you continue to write how your feeling because I'm sure that's going to help you feel better. And i think at least once a week do something just for yourself and also once a week or two plan a date night with you and the hubby.

Domesticated-Bliss said...

Hey I love a real post amidst the world of fluff we bloggers tend to churn out. We are all real people with real struggles and I love to see a post where a blogger is showing their human side. It makes me feel like we're all connected in this real way. Don't let your Type A-ness take your happiness from you, I've made that mistake many times. You can pull it together and get by even if it's not the way you envisioned it :) Good to see you back!

Dani said...

Amber! I've missed your blog so much! Honestly, you don't NEED to give anyone an excuse for why you haven't blogged. Blogging isn't your life, and everyone understands that! This post IS inspiring, and encouraging. It's inspiring to see that despite the tough times you may be going though, you're not giving up and still going forward. It's encouraging because no, you AREN'T the only one going through this! I thought I had my quarter-life crisis when I first graduated college at 22. Now, at 26, it's happening all over again. I feel comfort in knowing I'm not the only one. Hang in there, girlie... you'll get through this and find yourself again in no time! <3

Allison said...

Yayyyyyy! Welcome back, Gorgeous!!!

I think it happens to all of us from time to time. Praying that good things start happening! Hang in there! <3

Emily said...

Praying for you, and so glad you're back!

xx Emily @ laughliveandshop.blogspot.com

Rebekah said...

I love that last sentence. So true! I'm so excited to see that you're back! Give it all to God. That's all we can do in this life!

Emily @ Journey to the Center of Manhattan said...

Amen!! So beautifully said! Sending prayers your way (because I've definitely been there too) that you'll find understanding through your struggles. That's what makes them worthwhile.

Natalie said...

All of what you wrote is so applicable to my life as well, too! Quarter life crises are no joke--I'm thinking about you and I hope with all my might that everything will be okay soon. It stinks getting older; it sucks when you have to work too much. But eventually (I hope) you'll find a balance that will work for you. I know I'm still working on pretty much everything you wrote about, so send some words of wisdom my way if figure any of it out! :)

Christina said...

I was so happy to see you on my list of new blogs today! I understand sort of how you're feeling right now, I'm going through similar feelings myself right now. You are not alone. I will be praying for you my friend!

Newlymeds said...

Glad to see you are back. I am completely relate to this post. Keep smiling and hang in there :)

Jennifer said...

I have been wondering where you are!
Hang in there and write about whatever you feel. We are all here for ya!

ty said...

I was so excited to see you blogged today :) I think you're feeling like a lot of people our age do. I know I've been harboring that feeling for well over a year, and honestly, it took being utterly and completely broken before I could rebuild. And for the first time in forever, I like the things I see, and I can see a great future and I can FEEL life getting better and moving forward. As women, we harbor guilt for everything that isn't perfect, regardless of whether we can control it or not, and regardless of whether we should. Things become less enormous once you let go of the guilt.

AK said...

I was glad to see you blogged today! :D

I somewhat understand. I'm VERY ambitious and an over-achiever and I'm still currently learning to balance that along with my family life and my relationship. It's a day-to-day process but the best part of overcoming it is being honest with yourself :)

Sarah said...

Everyone goes through struggles in their life at some point. We all have different ones, though none of them are easy. It's ok to not always be bubbly - although we definitely love that about you! Your blog - or anyone's - is about your life. Sometimes that includes the not-so-happy, so bring it on! We're here for you! And I was so happy to see that you blogged today. I've missed you! <3

Just Married Real Estate: The Blog said...

I think what you are going through is so normal for everyone at some point. It's tough when you are young, married, working on your carreer and just aren't sure how to juggle everything. Sometimes we (especially us A-type personalities) have to step back and realize we can't please everyone, we can't be the best at everything, and that we have to put "ME" first. Hang in there, it'll get better. Thanks for the great and such honesty in your post.

-Anne

Lil' Woman said...

Love your honesty!
Things aren't always rainbows and sunshine, and it's ok to vent about the crappy stuff along with the good.

Glad your back :)

Jessica said...

I'm sorry you're having a rough time, glad you're back though. We're all here to lend a shoulder to lean on. <3

Whitney said...

I really hope you are back. I have always enjoyed your blog. I feel that it is best to put everything out there. I also feel that writing helps. It is real therapeutic, at least for me. Hang in there girl!

The Granberrys said...

I'm so glad to see you back, I kept waiting for the 30 day update! : ) Praying you will find peace in the coming days. I've been where you are, it's a crappy place to be, but it doesn't last forever!

THE Stephanie said...

So glad you're back! I'm sorry you've had a rough go the past several months, but I pray that God will meet you where you are.

Mrs. Newlywed Giggles said...

I feel ya! I have been going through the same thing and I wished my stubborn butt would have blogged sooner about it all. Sometimes it just takes a while to get back into it. Glad you are back and looking forward to blog posts. :)

Reese and Leigh said...

I just found your blog. I love this post. I needed this post. Everyone goes through rough patches...they come and go...

Meg O. said...

So glad to see you back, although with not so much of a vengeance as you had hoped! I'm so sorry that things aren't exactly the best right now but hang in there. Keep writing because I miss you!!!

Laura said...

I never saw this post and just checked your page to see if there was a new one.. I'm sorry things aren't so great right now.. I'm going to write you an email this afternoon/evening when I get a chance.. I'm thinking about you girlie! and just want to give you a big hug. <3 xoxo

Beth {Shug in Boots} said...

Kudos for writing a "real" post. I just clicked on your page from Pink Lou Lou's. I (obviously) don't know the details, but I feel you on the mid/late 20's crisis. I worry daily that I'm a bad wife, doing a terrible job at work, not doing enough for my diabetes, my husband and I will never get settled in ONE place, etc. I blame my hormones and am finally starting to feel better. Good luck to you, girl!

Mrs. Muffins said...

I've been wondering how you were. It seems like you've got a lot on your plate and more, I'm sure, than what you want to share with the world. While not everything is in our hands, there are changes you can make. That's for you to figure out but I pray you find balance and happiness. You deserve it. Feel free to email me if you'd like to chat! *hugs*

Bryan and Chelsey's Moss Moments said...

Just wanted to let you know I missed you! :) Hope you're doing well! :)



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