Guard Dogs on Crack

I really don’t know why we have Dixie & Bauer. Don’t get me wrong – I love my dogs. I'm just not sure why we actually have them. The April before we were married, we decided to buy Dixie to keep me company and be my guard dog when Steven traveled. Once we moved into the house last August, we decided to get Dixie a companion and add additional security with a male dog. I think the overall intent or purchasing two, 70 pound boxers was so that I would sleep better at night while Steven traveled.

Talk about a swing and a miss! I swear these dogs make getting a decent night’s sleep impossible when Steven is gone. They go on absolute high alert. Last night was the worst! A contractor came out around 6 to check our roof for hail and wind damage. All the banging around on the roof apparently set the dogs off. Dixie stood on my chest (yes – forced me to lay down flat on the couch as she stood on all fours on my chest!) and barked at the door the entire 15 minutes of the inspection. For the rest of the night they barked and growled at every little sound imaginable. Noisy kids playing in the street?? You better believe they were barking. Car drives by the house late at night? Growl..bark...growl..bark! Air conditioner turns on at 4 in the morning? Somebody alert the press! We are in grave danger and howling & barking must commence!

I mean, do you know what is like to be in a deep, blissful sleep and be awoken by two angry, paranoid dogs who are barking like mad at the ceiling fan?? I do! It’s not pleasant! Around two am they went into a tirade because of the ceiling fan and I felt my whole body literally go airborne when they started barking. What’s worse is that they insist on sleeping on either side of me. It’s as if they believe if I am sandwiched in the middle of them, nothing could possibly happen. So when they begin barking and growling at God knows what during all hours of the night – they are actually barking and growling directly into both my ears! Maybe I’m just being dramatic, but I found it a tad difficult to sleep smashed between two 70 pound dogs who give off enough heat to warm a small village in the dead of winter. Additionally, their random outbursts left my heart racing and I swear at one point I thought I had actually wet myself of sheer terror and shock. It’s quite aggravating to be jolted from sleep believing the only reason your dogs could be barking so ferociously is because a mad man is standing over your bed with a gun only to realize they are barking at the crickets chirping outside.

So needless to say, I’m irritable today. I’m tired. I’m scared out of my wits. I have this incessant ringing in my ears. I’m having a tiny bit of buyer’s remorse. Mostly I’m dying for Steven to come home. Apparently Steven is such a tough man that we can all sleep soundly and safely when he is at home – no need to sound the alarm at every little disturbance! Seriously – we should have just paid for ADT!