Monday, November 30, 2009

Tiger Woods - Here's My Theory

I'm sure you have all read about the recent fiasco Tiger Woods has caused for himself. The media is going crazy with this one. At first I thought, "Big deal! The man got into a car accident outside his home and everyone is acting like the Pope died."

After learning the police have requested Tiger's hospital records to determine if the injuries he sustained from the "accident" were indicative of a car crash or more likely a result of domestic violence, the truth hit me like a bolt of lightening.

Tiger Got Beat!!! He came home way too late one night (2:30 am to be exact) with some tell-tell sign that set his wife off. She made some wild accusation that turned out to be true and Tiger was caught like a deer in the head lights. Elin (previously mentioned wife) grabbed the first thing she could get her hands on (one can only imagine golf clubs litter the hallways of Tiger's home) and starting wailing on the guy. Tiger fled from the house scared out of his mind. Oh no - that wasn't working for Elin. She ran after him, golf club in hand and bashed in both windows to his Escalade. Poor Tiger (insert sarcasm) was so distraught and bewildered that he couldn't even back out of his own driveway. CRASH! There goes the fire hydrant. OH NO - did I just hit my neighbor's tree?? Really Tiger - you married the woman. You had to know she had a streak of crazy somewhere in her. You honestly thought it would be a good idea to run around on her? Apparently she taught you another valuable way to utilize your 5 iron.

I know she might go to jail if she is convicted - but I say GOOD FOR HER! I wish she would call a press conference and state two simple sentences: "Heck yeah I beat the cheater. I'd do it again!" Elin is not one of the celebrity wives that looks the other way. Amen! Amen!

Perhaps I'm being heartless here, but I simply cannot help myself. I warned Steven after hearing the most recent update concerning the ongoing investigation. "Let that be a lesson to you. If you ever come into our home later than you should and having been somewhere that you shouldn't have been - I will beat you with whatever I can get my hands on. I don't care if it's my stilettos, the fire poker or Dixie - I will cause you more pain than you could imagine. I will beat you and call your Mama and brag about it." I mean it too! The headlines will read, "Idiot husband loses family jewels after running around on wife."

Steven was quite frustrated and wondered how a cheating Tiger Woods meant that he needed to be yelled at. I say a good warning never hurt anybody. Ever heard of "The Fear of God"? Well I'm working on a little thing I like to call, "The Fear of Amber". I seem to be doing a pretty good job. :)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You took a news story as an excuse to threaten your husband with physical violence? It isn't funny or cute.

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