Tuesday, October 18, 2011

True Life: I'm Bipolar

One thing has become blaring apparent to me over the past three weeks. I am bipolar.

For some of my closest friends, this comes as no surprise.

But I have been quite surprised to discover that I have two distinct personalities.

Allow me to introduce Skinny Amber. She's a no excuses, eat well and train hard kind of girl. She likes to try new Zone/Paleo recipes and keeps a fridge stocked full of fresh fruits, vegetables & lean proteins. She thrives off the endorphine high she gets from an early morning workout and has no problem rising at 5:00 am every morning to hit the gym before work. She lives for calloused hands and sore muscles. She can stare a Snickers bar straight in the face without blinking. She's got conviction. She's got guts. She's a size 4 with six pack abs and a smokin' hot booty.

Fat Amber is a different story. She's a sit on your butt wearing sweatpants while stuffing your face with double stuffed oreos kind of girl. Her favorite foods include salt-n-vinegar chips, Snickers candy bars, McDonald's Big Macs and peanut butter fudge milkshakes. Her idea of a good workout is a leisurely stroll through Target while sipping on a Pumpkin Spice Latte. Her favorite past time is sleeping and she will stay in the bed until the latest second possible every morning in order to avoid starting her workday. She is lazy. She is a whiner. She's 300 pounds with bad skin and cankles.

Every morning there is an epic battle between Skinny Amber & Fat Amber. The alarm clock goes off at 5:00 am jolting me from a deep sleep, and suddenly I hear two distinct voices in my head begging me to make a decision:

Skinny Amber: (In a confident, optimistic voice that sounds something like Monica from Friends) Good morning! Get up girl! It's a new day. It's time to meet our goals. Time to rehab that knee. Time to better yourself. Let's do this!
Fat Amber: (In a deep, dreary voice that sounds something like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh) Don't do this to me! It's too early! Unplug that God awful contraption and let's go back to sleep. Rehab is for losers!
Skinny Amber: Don't listen to her. She's fat and sad. She wants you to be just like her. You need to get out of bed. You need to start your day right. Do this for your health. Do this for yourself. Do this for your skinny jeans!
Fat Amber: Why do you allow her hang out with us?? She's obnoxious! Being skinny is overrated! And who honestly cares about their health these days? Go back to sleep and I'll treat you to a sausage biscuit on the way to work. Now that's a way to start your day!
Skinny Amber: Allow me to hang out with you? Listen here fatty - if it weren't for me there would be no going to work each day. Amber would be so big that it would take a crane and crew of six men to get her out of the bed if you got your way! Amber...for the love of all things holy....Get.Out.Of.The.Bed!
Fat Amber: Oh no she didn't! Are you going to let her talk to us this way? What's the point of being skinny if you're too exhausted to enjoy it? Skinny people are angry people. You need to give Skinny Amber a cheeseburger.
Skinny Amber: Okay - I really didn't want to have to do this. But I can see that you aren't getting out of this bed. So here it is....here's the truth. And I only say this because I care about you.
Fat Amber: This should be interesting. She "cares" about you. I care about sleep!
Skinny Amber: Your husband looks better than you do naked!!!

And just like that.....I'm up! I can't believe Skinny Amber dropped a truth bomb like that at 5 in the morning. Fat Amber's got a point. Skinny Amber really can be such a........

23 comments:

Christina said...

Hahahah, I have a skinny & fat Christina in my head too! Yesterday, fat Christina won, but not today! Have a wonderful day!

Jennifer said...

Lol.
Unfortunately for you, Bipolar is a little more than having a skinny and fat side to yourself. It's technically manic depression. I doubt you have that.

Trish {Pink Preppy Lilly Lover} said...

You never cease to crack me up Amber! "I'll treat you to a sausage biscuit on the way to work" HAHAHHAH I die - those are my weakness too :) xoxo

Jessica said...

Hahaha, I have that fight with myself daily!

Shalyn said...

OMGGGGGGGGOSH Amber. YOU are hilarious! Thanks for the laugh this morning. I guess I'm bi-polar too and we are both twinkies because I have the SAME problem LMAO!

I love that last line, "Your husband looks better than you naked."

STORY OF MY LIFE.


:)

Jill said...

Hahaha, I too have this battle of "good vs. evil" in my head! We have had some snickers in our cabinet for weeks and I have not eaten them...I'm so proud! Now I just hope I can maintain this willpower through Halloween when all that candy goes on sale (ya know, "a bag for trick or treaters, a bag for me...")!

A Nerd and A Free Spirit said...

LOL. Girl, that is a hilarious post. At first I was like OMG is she really bipolar? I have some bipolar family members and it's terribly awful. So I'm glad you aren't. haha.

You are almost completely motivating me to work out in the mornings. UGH. I've always wanted to.....

~K

Catherine said...

Amber,
I do not think this is appropriate to the mental health community. You should add a disclaimer stating that you are not in fact, bipolar. I know you meant this post to be humorous but for those in the mental health community this isnt' funny and bipolar disorder is a real disease that is incureable. I hope this reaches you on your email & not in the comment section. Thank you.

Best,
Catherine

Kelly said...

First off-- FUNNY. (love the truth bomb ;-))

Second off-- This is your blog. I don't think you were taking yourself seriously at all and weren't meaning to insult anyone. I hope you're not feeling too bad about any negative comments... It's YOUR blog!

Miss Chelsea said...

This is hilarious!

Mateya said...

Haha! I have these same inner dilemmas! :) Too funny!

Allison said...

Oh I love this...it seems like skinny & fat Allison hang out with skinny & fat Amber. I can totally relate!

Rebekah said...

Haha, the truth bomb. Loved it! I always have an inner debate like that and thankfully my skinny side wins the majority of the time!

The Presutti's said...

This is so funny! I have this battle every day!!

Nikki said...

LOL! I have this battle from time to time with myself and somehow skinny nikki always wins and feels AMAZING after a good work out!

Jessica @ Acting Adult said...

I have the same discussion, but maybe not as amusing, with myself every morning! It's hard to get out of that nice warm bed and get yourself moving. But I always feel so much better after I do.

Savannah said...

I laughed out loud reading this post! Based on your discriptions, I think I'm bipolar too. I'm currently in sweatpants on the couch and just made my shopping list for tomorrow's Target visit. Clearly tonight is a fat Savannah night. :)

d.a.r. said...

Story of my life, every single morning!!

Jenna Navin said...

I'm really offended by this ignorant post. I've suffered from bipolar disorder my entire life. What you discribed is not bipolar. Maybe change "bipolar" to conflicting personalities. An apology to all the people you've obviously hurt with this post is probably in order, unless you're a jerk.

Jenna Navin said...

Thank you, Catherine! I completely agree.

Jenna Navin said...

Regardless if it was intended to insult or not, it is still insulting. They aren't "negative comments", Kelly. They are concerned comments from readers with hurt feelings. But I totally get it, ignore the people who are suffering from a debilitating neurologicl illness, it's HER blog after all. Continue the ignorance! Let's bash woman, gays and blacks while we're at it. Same concept. Mental illness deserves the same respect.

Jenna Navin said...

I'm really offended by this ignorant post. I've suffered from bipolar disorder my entire life. What you discribed is not bipolar. Maybe change "bipolar" to conflicting personalities. An apology to all the people you've obviously hurt with this post is probably in order, unless you're a jerk.

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