One thing has become blaring apparent to me over the past three weeks. I am bipolar.
For some of my closest friends, this comes as no surprise.
But I have been quite surprised to discover that I have two distinct personalities.
Allow me to introduce Skinny Amber. She's a no excuses, eat well and train hard kind of girl. She likes to try new Zone/Paleo recipes and keeps a fridge stocked full of fresh fruits, vegetables & lean proteins. She thrives off the endorphine high she gets from an early morning workout and has no problem rising at 5:00 am every morning to hit the gym before work. She lives for calloused hands and sore muscles. She can stare a Snickers bar straight in the face without blinking. She's got conviction. She's got guts. She's a size 4 with six pack abs and a smokin' hot booty.
Fat Amber is a different story. She's a sit on your butt wearing sweatpants while stuffing your face with double stuffed oreos kind of girl. Her favorite foods include salt-n-vinegar chips, Snickers candy bars, McDonald's Big Macs and peanut butter fudge milkshakes. Her idea of a good workout is a leisurely stroll through Target while sipping on a Pumpkin Spice Latte. Her favorite past time is sleeping and she will stay in the bed until the latest second possible every morning in order to avoid starting her workday. She is lazy. She is a whiner. She's 300 pounds with bad skin and cankles.
Every morning there is an epic battle between Skinny Amber & Fat Amber. The alarm clock goes off at 5:00 am jolting me from a deep sleep, and suddenly I hear two distinct voices in my head begging me to make a decision:
Skinny Amber: (In a confident, optimistic voice that sounds something like Monica from Friends) Good morning! Get up girl! It's a new day. It's time to meet our goals. Time to rehab that knee. Time to better yourself. Let's do this!
Fat Amber: (In a deep, dreary voice that sounds something like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh) Don't do this to me! It's too early! Unplug that God awful contraption and let's go back to sleep. Rehab is for losers!
Skinny Amber: Don't listen to her. She's fat and sad. She wants you to be just like her. You need to get out of bed. You need to start your day right. Do this for your health. Do this for yourself. Do this for your skinny jeans!
Fat Amber: Why do you allow her hang out with us?? She's obnoxious! Being skinny is overrated! And who honestly cares about their health these days? Go back to sleep and I'll treat you to a sausage biscuit on the way to work. Now that's a way to start your day!
Skinny Amber: Allow me to hang out with you? Listen here fatty - if it weren't for me there would be no going to work each day. Amber would be so big that it would take a crane and crew of six men to get her out of the bed if you got your way! Amber...for the love of all things holy....Get.Out.Of.The.Bed!
Fat Amber: Oh no she didn't! Are you going to let her talk to us this way? What's the point of being skinny if you're too exhausted to enjoy it? Skinny people are angry people. You need to give Skinny Amber a cheeseburger.
Skinny Amber: Okay - I really didn't want to have to do this. But I can see that you aren't getting out of this bed. So here it is....here's the truth. And I only say this because I care about you.
Fat Amber: This should be interesting. She "cares" about you. I care about sleep!
Skinny Amber: Your husband looks better than you do naked!!!
And just like that.....I'm up! I can't believe Skinny Amber dropped a truth bomb like that at 5 in the morning. Fat Amber's got a point. Skinny Amber really can be such a........