Have a Happy Period!

Caveat: If you are a man, you might not want to read this!

I saw the most offensive commercial I have ever seen in my life last night. The catch phrase of this commercial was so appalling that I had to rewind and replay it twice just to make sure I heard it correctly.Always – the tampon/feminine product company – is apparently trying to revamp its imagine and has created a new slogan. The commercial did contain very alluring information – a panty liner that doesn’t budge!?! A woman in an all white dress was performing gymnastics, acrobatics and contortionism in order to prove that this “all new” panty liner was the most durable product on the market. I mean really, really!?!? Who would actually wear an all white dress on her period? I don’t care how amazing your panty liner/tampon is. You’re just looking for trouble!

But okay – it’s a panty liner. How dazzling can an advertisement really be? I’ll give them credit for trying to glamorize one of the most disgusting products in the world (Think about the purpose of those things!). It wasn’t until the last line of the promo that I thought I was going to come unglued. As the beautiful, energetic woman in white faded into the background with a smile on her face the announcer read “Always – Have a Happy Period!”

I’m sorry?? Did you just tell me to have a happy period?? You’re trying to sell me a panty liner and have the audacity to tell me to have a happy period? Well this just proves that men really did invent panty hose, tampons & high heels because no woman in her right mind would ever say “Have a happy period!” It’s like telling an actor “Good luck!” Only a man would have created this ad campaign as well. A woman would know that by saying, “Have a happy period!” the company loses all credibility with women world wide. How can you claim to know how to engineer the perfect panty liner that absorbs everything and eliminates leaks when you obviously have no freaking clue what a period is!!!

We’re not just talking blood here people. If only that were the worst of it. I can deal with the bleeding for five days. Granted, the constant bleeding does cause you to feel a little faint and possibly queasy majority of the time, but that’s just part of the territory. I might even be able to handle the insane breakouts that come during that special time of the month. I mean who doesn’t enjoy looking like they are 15 again? What I can’t deal with are the intense mood swings and horrific cramps.

This is just something that men can’t seem to understand. If I have told him once, I’ve told him a hundred times. “Yes, Steven, I am being completely unreasonable. I am crying at the commercial with the puppy. And now because you are laughing at me for crying, I am furious. I’m not just furious, I am irate. You are the most insensitive man in the world. The only thing that will remotely make this situation better right now is if you run to the store and bring me a Coke icy and Snickers.” You would think month after month he would just learn not to laugh at me when I start crying at the puppy commercial… And here’s the thing: It may be unreasonable, but we just don’t care! Our emotions are out of whack - our hormones are off the charts! Men will always be wrong and women will always be right during that time of the month!

Onto the cramps. Even though most birth controls temper the pain of menstruating, most women still experience at least one day of mind numbing cramps. It feels as if someone has my uterus in their hands and is trying to give me an Indian burn. Simultaneously, it feels as if someone else is dragging a knife up and down my lower back. My legs feel like utter jello – which at this point may be a blessing in disguise because I don’t know if I can handle another aching part of my body. The worst part is the cramps generally wait to hit at the most inopportune time: at work, at church, during a workout, during a night out. So not only am I in excruciating pain, I’m also in uncomfortable clothes and sweating profusely all while trying to act like everything is “A-okay”. This is why women are better than men. Every man I know gets a little head cold and he turns into a child again. Women deal with true illness every month and the world keeps spinning round.

So please – Mr. Director for the “Always” commercial – don’t tell me to have a happy period. I will NOT being buying your product, because you have insulted me beyond belief. It’s as if you are mocking me. Have a Happy Period. Enjoy those cramps ladies. As a matter of fact welcome them. Embrace the bloating and fatigue. You’re a woman – it’s your blessing.
Grr!!!

Seriously - It's Winter Already?

What in the world is up with this weather? Literally one week ago it was 80 degrees here and I was running around in shorts and a tee shirt and this morning I am bundled in my winter coat and wool sweaters! It’s only mid October! Did I blink and miss Fall?? Is it really time to break out the wool socks, oversized sweaters & scarves already? Who says there is no such thing as global warming!?!

As if it were not enough that Homecoming weekend at Wingate was borderline miserable due to the unexpected chill and uncooperative weather, Steven and I had the unfortunate experience of sleeping last night in a house that was 50 degrees! Apparently the breaker to the AC/heating unit was somehow flipped during our recent bathroom renovations. We have had our AC unit turned off for the past week so we did not realize this mishap. The sudden temperature drop prompted us to turn on the heat yesterday afternoon only to find the heat did not work. We just assumed that it was broken since we have not tried to use it since last winter. Considering it was Sunday, we decided our only option was to bundle up and suck it up. Around 11:00 we grudgingly drug ourselves to the bedroom and prepared to shiver ourselves through a sleepless night.

Thank the Lord for Dixie & Bauer! I generally hate sleeping in the bed with them because they both give off an enormous amount of body heat. Usually I wake up drenched in sweat with no covers on my body because I am so hot due to my doggy blanket. Not last night! Steven and I welcomed Dixie and Bauer into the bed and happily allowed them to get under the covers and curl up around us. I swear the only reason my toes did not get frost bite throughout the evening is because Bauer insisted on using them as a pillow. Again, any other night I would have hated having his 15 pound head on my legs because I always wake up in the middle of the night with tingling, numb legs. Last night on the other hand, I figured tingling, numb legs were a much better option than frozen solid legs. As always, Dixie resolved to sleep directly in between Steven and myself (heaven forbid we show one another more affection than we show Dixie!) I was more than willing to lay aside my jealous tendencies last night and allow her to sleep in the middle. She provided perfect warmth for both of us! Without a doubt the only reason I did not wake up to chattering teeth is because my overly affection dogs were more than eager to curl up with us all night long.

Our house was so cold that even Bauer didn’t want to get out of the bed this morning. He wakes every morning at 6:30 and begins pacing circles around the bedroom floor until I let him outside. Not this morning! He jumped out of the bed, realized how cold it was and immediately got back in bed and burrowed himself under the covers. When I finally willed myself out of the bed and looked at the thermostat, I swear it read 51 degrees! I could literally see my breath. What a great wakeup call.

While taking my scalding hot, incredibly long shower and worrying about how much money I was going to have to shell out to fix this heating problem, it dawned on me: The heating unit wasn’t broken – the breaker had been flipped while Steven was trying to cut the power to master bathroom earlier this week! When Steven didn’t jump out of bed the first time I explained my theory to him, I not so politely demanded that he check it out! Voile! It worked – we slept in a freezing cold room for nothing. But at least I’m not going to have to shell out tons of money to keep my house warm this winter! I’m sure Dixie and Bauer will be very disappointed when they aren’t allowed in the bed tonight. Yes I know – they really are so mistreated!

Who Needs Kids!?!

Steven has tried to “talk me out of kids” many times. Each time I pretend to listen and contemplate his concerns/points while I am actually daydreaming about Pee Wee football and matching Osh Kosh overall outfits for my beautiful sons (no girls please!). Little does Steven know that every time he makes these suggestions, my internal time line for having children somehow gets moved up. However, he may have momentarily had me convinced this weekend. We were enjoying a lazy afternoon on the couch catching up on the week’s DVR. Steven was lying on the couch with Dixie snuggled into his chest and I was seated at the end of the couch, feet propped up on the coffee table. Bauer (as usual) was throwing a chew toy into the air and chasing it down – providing entertainment for the entire family. Exasperated because Dixie would not come and play with him, Bauer leapt onto the couch and plopped onto my lap just like a small child would. He gave me a quick “love you mom!” lick and nestled in with the rest of us.

It was this precious moment with my husband and puppies that gave Steven the fuel he needed to make his most convincing “How bout we don’t have kids?” speech yet. Seeing my love and affection for Bauer he jumped at the chance to insist, “Why do we need kids? We have everything we need with Dixie and Bauer. No one will ever love us more than they do. They act like children. They demand our time like children. They adore us like a child would. Plus they are a lot cheaper!”

I laughed off his comments at first – but over the past few days I have really begun to notice there might be some truth to his statement. For those of you who do not know my dogs, I will provide a little background. We purchased Dixie at 5 weeks old without realizing how young she was. The horrid trainer at Pet Smart convinced us that she was going to die because she was too young be taken from her mother and we were horrible pet owners. As a result, I would not let Dixie out of my sight the first four weeks she was with us. She slept in the bed with us, sat on the couch with us and I constantly showered her with love and affection. Little did I know – this dog is resilient and nothing phases her. All my pampering and worrying only created a monster. Over a year and a half later, Dixie cannot (CANNOT!) be near Steven or myself without wanting to be in our laps or on our chest. If she feels neglected (pa-lease!) she will actually whine and whimper until one of us yield to her demands and indulge her need for attention. She is one of the most loving, compassionate dogs I have ever seen. But I am certain that Dixie does not realize that she is actually a dog. She is demanding, brassy & incredibly confident. It is clear when Dixie is angry or upset and she has absolutely no problem ignoring Steven or myself if we hurt her feelings. (Sounds a great deal like a teenage girl, right!?!? Lord knows I don’t need two of those running around my house!)

Onto Bauer….I’m not quite sure where to start. Bauer can only be likened to a 3-year-old, full throttle, “isn’t scared of anything” little boy. His energy is overly abounding. There is not a toy that we have purchased for him that he has not found a way to demolish. Additionally, he insists upon chewing my door mats every time we leave the house. It is nearly impossible to reprimand him because he has the most adorable “I swear it was Dixie – please don’t stop loving me” look you’ve ever seen! Majority of the time his spastic antics are too hilarious to make us mad, even though we really shouldn’t let him get away with so much. He worships Dixie just like a little brother would worship his big sister. He annoys and pesters her on a daily basis and is always taunting her to try and get a rise so she will wrestle with him. I find myself smiling often at how child like and endearing his really is.

So as you see, I really am beginning to believe I may have all the family I need. I guess only time will tell what we actually decide to do. But after my reflection, I definitely realize I am set on “kids” for a while!

If Only Someone Had Told Me!

I’ve been thinking a lot about “adulthood” the past few weeks. I recently spent some time at Wingate as an advisor for my sorority and it made me realize how drastically my life has changed in the two and half years that I have been out of college. During that time I have worked my first “career” job, planned a wedding, become a wife, purchased my first two pets and purchased my first home. That’s a lot of change in 26 months! No wonder I feel so tired and cranky sometimes – my body is having a hard time keeping up with my life changes!

I have learned many difficult lessons through these life transitions. It is my belief that fully transitioned adults are really holding out on us up and comers. They are full of wisdom from trial and error – but they don’t share any of it with the young adults. I know that my parents and family friends cannot possibly enjoy watching Steven and I squirm and panic through life’s new challenges. (Could they!?!?) So I’m forced to ask – why was I not given a “Book of Do’s & Don’ts” when I got married? All those showers, all those beautiful, thoughtful gifts – and no one told me anything about practical living!

So I’m starting a book. It’s going to be a best seller. It will be based upon my life with Steven and the hilarious/scary/painful lessons we have learned over the past few years and all those that I am sure God has in store for us. This book is for women, and at times might be considered offensive to men. (Whoops!) But there is a big difference from a young wife and young husband – and I’m telling this like I see it! Here is just a preview of pearls of wisdom I intend to share with young wives or new home owners:

*If you own a home – you should own a fire extinguisher. A new home does not automatically come with a fire extinguisher (trust me, I know). You have to go out and buy one. They can be purchased at Lowe’s or Home Depot. This will come in very handy when you have a car fire during the middle of the night or the first time you attempt to “deep fry” chicken wings. Don’t be cheap – buy the fire extinguisher.

*Pets are a joy. They are loving, devoted & entertaining. But do not let that fool you. Pets are also a nuisance. They are destructive, demanding & expensive. Do not panic the first time you come home and they have chewed up your brand new rug. Do not panic when they knock over your expensive table lamp and it shatters into pieces. You are the BOSS! Pets are like men – they must be trained and disciplined. Use these instances as a learning tool to teach your pet the consequences of bad behavior. Eventually they will figure out what it means to be a “good dog” and they will act accordingly.

*You’re mother was right – you will never change your man and living with them is even more difficult than you would expect. Learn to accept his disgusting or obnoxious habits – try to find them endearing as opposed to infuriating. So what if he hangs his wet towel on the door instead of the towel rack? What man doesn’t do that??? Who cares if he always puts his dirty dishes in the sink instead of in the completely empty dishwasher? At least he got them to the sink, right? Romance is completely overrated. Nicholas Sparks is a real life villan whose novels should be banned from the public because he gives women a false sense of desire & romance. As long as your man keeps coming home to you every night and gives you a kiss once and while – you should be a happy woman. (In case it is not obvious, I am being completely sarcastic. The fact is – men are men. They are wired different than we are. The sooner you learn to love them in spite of everything they do that drives you crazy – the more likely you are to get a romantic evening every once and a while!)

*Home owner’s insurance and car insurance can be more valuable than you would expect! Contrary to popular belief, car insurance covers you under circumstances other than just wrecks. If for some reason, your car were to catch on fire or be damaged in a flood – no need to freak out. You aren’t completely out of luck and liable for your car loan. You’re insurance company will either pay for the damages or pay your fair market value for your car! (Wish I had known that one before my mini panic attack when my car caught on fire last March!) There is a reason that you pay all that money each month – and it’s completely worth it!

*Speaking of cars – you have to pay property taxes on them every year. Yes – the county will send you a tax bill once a year and you actually have to pay a couple hundred bucks! I guess in high school/college our parents paid this for us?? But when you’re on your own, the bill comes to your front door. Expect it – and save for it. It’s never a good idea to be delinquent on your taxes.

*I don’t care what people say – it is always acceptable to cry at work if your boss is a man. If you’re having a bad day and just need a break, a couple of tears might just do the trick. He is a man – just like your husband or father. Just like the rest of them, it makes him uncomfortable and he somehow feels responsible. More than likely he will send you home for the rest of the day (with pay!) and tell you to take it easy. Obviously, something must be very wrong if you are so upset. He does not need to know that you are on your period and someone just took the last Snickers bar from the vending machine. **Warning – if your boss is a woman, this will not work. She will consider you spoiled and childish. She can make it through her period without a Snickers and so can you!


There are many, many more tidbits that I intend to share. If nothing else, I’ll give them to my sister and Michelle when they get married. This roller coaster ride of “adulthood” is scary enough when you somewhat know what to expect. But you would be surprised at home many things have caught me off guard the past two years.

Stay tuned – more to come….