Thursday, April 29, 2010

I'm Back - Just Wish I Could Say I'm Better Than Ever

After multiple concerned emails, a few “Where are you?” comments and daily questioning from my mom regarding “When are you gonna blog!?!?” I figure it’s time to post something. But that’s the problem. I realize it has been well over a week since I have posted anything. I’ve opened my blog account multiple times to write, but I stare at a blank screen, completely uncertain what I should say.

You see, I would like for my blog to be a platform of positivity and happiness. I would like for my readers to feel encouraged each time they stop by. If I can make you laugh so hard you almost wet your pants or if I bring a joyful tear to your eye, well, then I feel like I’ve accomplished something really valuable during my day. I love to write and I love that you enjoy reading what I have to say.

But lately….

Well lately, I’m simply overwhelmed. I’m burdened, if I’m completely honest. And who wants to hear about burdens? Who wants to read a blog that makes you think about the tragedies of life or the uncertainties that surround each of us? Do you really want to know that I cry almost every day because of something that is completely out of my control? Do you really want to hear about the hours I have spent in prayer over the past 8 weeks begging God to make sense out all this? Before you think, “Dear Lord – what is wrong!?!” let me say that I am really fine. Steven is fine. Our marriage is fine – actually, our marriage is amazing. But we’ve hit a bump in the road over the past 8 weeks that has taken us completely by surprise and the stress of the “what if’s” and possibilities and potential downfalls is slowly beginning to drain the life from me.

So I have stared at a blank screen for the past week and a half trying to decide what to tell you. I hate being fake. I want my blog to be a genuine reflection of my personality, of my faith, of my life. I’m sure I could have come up with a funny story, because Lord knows I’m constantly getting into some sort of mishap. It would have also been easy to play along with a weekly feature. But, that’s just not my heart’s desire at the moment. And I figured rather than lie to you and pretend all was well – it might just be easier to avoid the truth.

Because the truth is – I’m mad at myself. I’m mad that I allow myself to be so consumed with fear and doubt. I’m mad that I continue to pester and question my husband and make demands of him that are unfair. I’m mad that fifty percent of my day is spent crunching numbers and doing research that points to the possibility of great things for my family – but I continue to doubt and question even when everyone else around me believes we can do this. I allow anxiety to control me instead of allowing God’s grace and mercy to deliver me. And I’m mad as a hornet about it. And let me tell you – being mad is one thing – but being mad at yourself – well that’s just a whole ‘nother ball game. A part of me wants to forgive myself and move on from the hurt and anxiety – but another part knows how difficult that will be. See, I know myself. I’ve always worried and stressed. I’ve always taken on too many responsibilities and a desire to make everything right no matter the cost.

So here I have sat for the past two weeks. Mentally exhausted and emotionally drained. But I refuse to stare at a blank computer screen anymore. At some point you gotta – what’s saying? – take life by the balls! (Pardon my French!) So I’m moving on. I’m done looking back over the past 8 weeks. I’m going to start dreaming about the possibility of what the upcoming 8 weeks might bring. I’m not sure what the future holds – but I know that as long as I have the Lord watching over me and the love of my life by my side, I’m going to survive.

22 comments:

jenn said...

i have no idea what is going on, but i hope you're ok!!! :)

Mrs.Vid said...

Amber we all know that life is not always sunshine and rainbows. I pray that whatever is troubling you will soon pass. I admire the fact that even on the days when negative things are going on in your personal life you write inspiring and emotional messages that make us all reflect on our personal issues and wonder if our issues are really as big as we believe.

You are an amazing woman. I hope you realize how much you inspire people on a daily basis. I certainly strive to be a better person and each time I read your posts I am reminded how small my issues are in comparison to many bigger issues in the world.

Thank you for that. Keep your head up. You're stronger than you think and I know you'll pull through this.

Kelly said...

Hang in there!! NONE of us are perfect and NONE of us expect a perfect blog! Please be kind to yourself, we can only do our best at life. You have great family and friends around you; don't fret, smile, and try to enjoy life! We'll be here when you're ready :-) Hey, tomorrow' FRIDAY!!

Lisa said...

Sorry that things have been a little difficult over the past few weeks! I'm glad that you have your husband by your side to help get through whatever life is throwing at you!

We don't mind reading the bad with the good--share what you need to! :)

Aly @ Analyze This said...

I'm glad you are back blogging- sometimes writing makes our worries go away! I'm still praying for y'all :) I have so much faith that something good will happen soon! Love Ya!

Southerland Living said...

I was thinking about you today! Glad that you are back. Keep your chin up!

Ashton said...

You know, we all go through all of those trials and burdens and sadness in this life. It's part of this learning experience before we get to be back with God. I'm kinda going through the same thing, and I just keep telling myself that it will be better before I know it. It will bring blessings... That's all we can hold onto; and ya know, here I am saying this and thinking "it's going to get worse before it gets better..." for myself, and I know whatever you're going through is not easy either. But just keep holding on, and keep your good attitude- its funny how fast an attitude can change a situation.

I'm sending prayers your way- say a couple for me, too! :)

Same Sweet Girl: Memoir of a Southern Belle said...

Hi Amber! So glad you decided to post this. I know you would like all of your posts to be happy but I think our blogs showcase our lives...the good and the bad. I feel your pain though. I am recently in a situation where I have to keep asking God "Why?" I just want Him to reveal to me the reason!!! It's so hard to just know that there is a good reason for it without actually knowing the reason. I hope that everything works out for the best for you and I will keep you in my prayers. :)

Kristin said...

Oh Amber! Please never feel like you have to put on a "happy face" just to blog. I want my blog to be inspirational too, but what we went through w/ our poor doggy last week was just a nightmare, and I blogged about it! The encouragement I received was what really helped me through...there are some amazingly sweet girls out there. Oh, and as an aside,
"perfect" people only make us feel jealous and discontent, but REAL people make us feel like we're not alone on this journey through life! Thank you for being real today... - Saying a little prayer for you today that you will find the silver lining to your current clouds. Brighter days are coming! Oh, and if you'd feel comfortable sending me your snail mail address, I'd love to send you a little something to maybe help cheer you up! I love snail mail - it's so rare these days, and it sure brightens MY day when I see something in my box besides bills :-) You can e-mail it to me at: windy-poplars@juno.com if you like. Sending a hug, ~Kristin from Windy Poplars

busygirlblog.com said...

glad you're back - hang in there!

Karen said...

Well, I have missed you. Praying for you and love you!

Nicole-Lynn said...

Things will get better :) Thans for being so open and honest with us. Have a blessed day!

Life as I know it... said...

You're strong and you're fierce. Whatever it is, it's not too much for you to handle. I'm in town next week if you want to meet up and you know my #. *hugs*

Janna said...

I've missed seeing your blog, but know that I will keep yall in my prayers!

Mateya said...

Glad you are back...go on and grab life by the balls! :) I love it!

agalandherdog said...

Way to stay positive! We hit a rough patch right after we got married last year (my husband was laid off 2 weeks after we got home from our honeymoon) but we got back on our feet and haven't looked back. If anything, these trying times just make you stronger (both personally and as a couple). You are in my prayers, because I'm crazy about your blog and you definitely make me smile.

Kaloula said...

This is why you need to blog..during times like these, which we all have, it's nice to hear uplifting comments from friends. I felt the same about my blog, only wanting it to be positive, but reality is we all have stress.

Here's something I heard that makes me feel better: If everyone threw their problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back! And also if God brings you to it He will bring you thru it. We're with you girl!

Brittany said...

I'm glad to know you, your marriage, and family is ok! I'm not sure what is going on right now but I wish you the strength to get through this hard time! You have your friends, family, and US standing behind you! Hang in there pretty lady, things can only go up from here! And don't forget to smile :-D

xox

Design Apprentice said...

Im so sorry to hear youre going through a hard time and I want you to know your readers are here for you. Sometimes blogging helps with the emotions and makes sense of things. No matter what, you're in my prayers along with countless other reader's prayers too. God is good and your faith will get you through whatever trials you're being faced with. I'm so happy you, your hubs, and your family are doing good. This too shall pass.

Mr. Superman & Mrs. S. said...

Everyone gets overwhelmed. It means we're human. Glad you're back and I hope you are doing better :)

♥ Mrs. S.

Domesticated-Bliss said...

I know what you mean, I'm going through some tough stuff right now and I had to decide whether to disclose it or to act like nothing was wrong, but I feel like these are my friends and they should understand what I'm going through.

You'll get through it and maybe we can help :)

d.a.r. said...

glad you are back!! Life ain't always about the rainbows and butterflies. It is the struggles we overcome. It's your blog and totally okay to share that on here!!

Hang in there, I am praying for yall.



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