After multiple concerned emails, a few “Where are you?” comments and daily questioning from my mom regarding “When are you gonna blog!?!?” I figure it’s time to post something. But that’s the problem. I realize it has been well over a week since I have posted anything. I’ve opened my blog account multiple times to write, but I stare at a blank screen, completely uncertain what I should say.
You see, I would like for my blog to be a platform of positivity and happiness. I would like for my readers to feel encouraged each time they stop by. If I can make you laugh so hard you almost wet your pants or if I bring a joyful tear to your eye, well, then I feel like I’ve accomplished something really valuable during my day. I love to write and I love that you enjoy reading what I have to say.
Well lately, I’m simply overwhelmed. I’m burdened, if I’m completely honest. And who wants to hear about burdens? Who wants to read a blog that makes you think about the tragedies of life or the uncertainties that surround each of us? Do you really want to know that I cry almost every day because of something that is completely out of my control? Do you really want to hear about the hours I have spent in prayer over the past 8 weeks begging God to make sense out all this? Before you think, “Dear Lord – what is wrong!?!” let me say that I am really fine. Steven is fine. Our marriage is fine – actually, our marriage is amazing. But we’ve hit a bump in the road over the past 8 weeks that has taken us completely by surprise and the stress of the “what if’s” and possibilities and potential downfalls is slowly beginning to drain the life from me.
So I have stared at a blank screen for the past week and a half trying to decide what to tell you. I hate being fake. I want my blog to be a genuine reflection of my personality, of my faith, of my life. I’m sure I could have come up with a funny story, because Lord knows I’m constantly getting into some sort of mishap. It would have also been easy to play along with a weekly feature. But, that’s just not my heart’s desire at the moment. And I figured rather than lie to you and pretend all was well – it might just be easier to avoid the truth.
Because the truth is – I’m mad at myself. I’m mad that I allow myself to be so consumed with fear and doubt. I’m mad that I continue to pester and question my husband and make demands of him that are unfair. I’m mad that fifty percent of my day is spent crunching numbers and doing research that points to the possibility of great things for my family – but I continue to doubt and question even when everyone else around me believes we can do this. I allow anxiety to control me instead of allowing God’s grace and mercy to deliver me. And I’m mad as a hornet about it. And let me tell you – being mad is one thing – but being mad at yourself – well that’s just a whole ‘nother ball game. A part of me wants to forgive myself and move on from the hurt and anxiety – but another part knows how difficult that will be. See, I know myself. I’ve always worried and stressed. I’ve always taken on too many responsibilities and a desire to make everything right no matter the cost.
So here I have sat for the past two weeks. Mentally exhausted and emotionally drained. But I refuse to stare at a blank computer screen anymore. At some point you gotta – what’s saying? – take life by the balls! (Pardon my French!) So I’m moving on. I’m done looking back over the past 8 weeks. I’m going to start dreaming about the possibility of what the upcoming 8 weeks might bring. I’m not sure what the future holds – but I know that as long as I have the Lord watching over me and the love of my life by my side, I’m going to survive.