Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Eat It. Work It. Blog It. - Week 3

Sorry to anyone who had difficulty using the link last week - I think there were some issues, but not 100% sure what went wrong.  I will try to make sure everything works properly this week!

Eat It.
I had a revelation last night.  Well, not technically a revelation - because this is not new news - but a realization that I'm falling into old habits again.  I.Eat.My.Feelings.  In times of extreme stress, sadness or anxiety - I eat and I eat a lot.  That's why my weight fluctuates so often.  I will put on 20 lbs during a "difficult time" and work like mad to drop the weight - only to put it back on when life's next storm rolls around.  Pretty sad, huh?

Well, in November I learned some pretty crazy news.  Life news - turn.my.world.upside down life news. Ever since, I've been slowly eating my feelings.  It started small, I would allow myself to have one bite of ice cream after dinner even if it wasn't my cheat day.  Then the holidays hit and I told myself it was "just the holidays" and I would jump back on the wagon at the first of the year.  January came and went and somehow instead of only taking one cheat day per week, I averaged two or three.

So I decided to create this Eat It. Work It. Blog It. as a means of holding myself accountable - I *swore* to get my eating habits back under control and only take one cheat day per week - but I haven't kept that promise. And I need to be honest about it.

Last night I was expressing my frustration to Steven that I haven't lost any weight since December - not a single pound.  Thankfully, I haven't gained a single pound either, but it's very frustrating to have reached this plateau.  He was strangely quite as I pondered why my weight loss has come to a halt: my body has adjusted, I'm not working out as hard as before, maybe my new birth control??  He said nothing - as if he were waiting for me to realize what he's been seeing for months.....

OMG!!  I'm eating my feelings again aren't I!?!?!  To which he quietly replied, "Yeah sweetie - you are. I wish I knew how to help you through this - but yes, you are."  And I cried myself to sleep.....

Work It.
The *only* reason I haven't gained weight during this period of overeating is because of my intense workout routine at CrossFit Charlotte.  Last week I really stepped up my game and I was incredibly pleased with the results of my workout.  I hit the gym for five WODS (Workout of The Day) and one strength class.  Tuesday evening during our strength bias, I did a 1 rep max back squat of 145lbs.  That's a 15 lb increase from my last back squat max!

I wasn't feeling well Thursday-Sunday, but I still drug myself to the box Thursday, Friday & Saturday.  Admittedly, I went a little easier than normal, but I was proud that I committed to going and didn't allow feeling under the weather to be an excuse to miss my workouts.  If only I could commit so much dedication to my eating habits.....

Blog It.
I feel like I'm facing this intense crossroads this week.  I feel like an addict of some sort - I've acknowledged my problem.  And I know that some of you may think I'm being dramatic - especially if you aren't the kind of person who struggles with weight issues or overeating, but I am not writing this post for dramatic effect.

There are issues that need to be dealt with.  Issues that a candy bar in the afternoon "just because I'm feeling down" cannot help.  Issues that won't go away just because I keep promising to "get on the wagon tomorrow".  I know that if I do not deal with these issues, I will quickly find myself starting at my teary eyed reflection that's 20 lbs heavier asking, "How the hell did you do this to yourself - again!?!"

But to be honest, sometimes eating my feelings is much easier than dealing with them and I think that's why overeating is my vice.  But the food no longer makes me feel better - it only makes me feel worse.  I have worked too hard to take my life back.  I've worked too hard to feel good in my own skin.  I refuse to stay on this road of self destruction simply because I do not want to deal with life.

So if you pray, please pray for me this week.  I'm struggling.  I hate to admit it.  I hate to admit that life isn't as peppy and perfect as it appears on my blog -but it isn't and it hasn't been for a little while now. But I have an unbelievable husband who supports me and believes in me to help get me through this.  I have friends who go out of their way to make sure that I know I am loved and cared for.  I am so blessed - so unbelievably blessed.  I can deal with this - without the food.  And that's exactly what I'm going to do.

20 comments:

Tyly said...

Holy moly. I could have written this myself. Seriously. I have a binge eating problem {no purging!!}, but when I'm feeling down/stressed/I've-eaten-so-much-already-so-why-the-hell-not?/insert other various low emotion, I EAT. And I mean EAT. I sat in my car the other day and ate two bags of M&M's and a small bag of chocolate covered popcorn. I inhaled it all so quickly that I didn't even realize I was done. Now that's a problem. I wasn't hungry, I didn't need it, but I absolutely inhaled it. IN MY CAR while waiting for a friend. And then the intense guilt and sadness came. It's such a horrible, vicious cycle!

I lost 70 pounds, but I've yo-yo'd the last 25-30 pounds at least 5 times. It's beyond frustrating. I'm tired of being in and out of my nice clothes and my fat tub. Once I make my way out of the fat tub, I swear I'll never be in there again. The only reason I keep the clothes is for future pregnancies, because I don't want to have to buy a bunch. But 2 months later, I'm in there again, and NOT pregnant. When I'm on target, I just can't believe the gross, horrible things that I put my body through during my moments of weakness, and I swear I'll never do it again. But I do.

I TOTALLY know how you feel.

An Inquiring Mind said...

Oh, Amber....I am sending you so many hugs right now! I'm right there with you. You WILL get through this and you're stronger than you know....both physically and mentally!

Kendra said...

i TOTALLY agree with you. I think there comes a time where we all eat our feelings. its just that some people are blessed to not gain weight from it. Us unfortunate souls have to work to keep it off. I totally do this from time to time, and then afterwards regret everything and wish i could take it all out of my stomach because it didn't help and was definitely not worth it. I will be thinking of you. It is a good thing you noticed this though. A lot of people will not notice a thing. we are all struggling and im here to help you as much as i can.

Christina said...

You're working on yourself and developing great habits for long term healthiness. You realize this is what is going on and you can work on it! I'll be praying for you! You got this!!

Rissy said...

I feel your pain hun!

I eat out of "boredom" but I think sometimes that boredom was more like depression.
Sometimes it is difficult for me to even think of a time I wasn't thinking about food... be it what I couldn't eat, did eat, or felt guilty for eating.

I also can look at pics from college and think "gosh I was SOOO hungry then." how terrible is that?

I think I am finally in a good place in my eating, and it's probably because I am focusing on other things. I am not letting my weight define me anymore and it really feels great.

I hope when other things in your life get better and you can feel a little better, the eating falls into place. You are a beautiful person lady... just remember that!

Kaley said...

Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way girl!

Katie said...

You are doing so great for the long term!!! Don't give up, girl. I love how real and honest you are :) PS- We just went to NC this last weekend...ugh, sad to be back. it was beautiful!!!

Jessica said...

I think many women can empathize with your situation, I've been there myself. We are here to motivate each other and I know you can keep up the good work! You didn't gain, and that's a plus. :)

Rebekah said...

I eat when I'm stressed/sad and I think I have it under control. It was so hard to realize, but now when I am stressed, I've found other ways to deal with it! I'll be praying for you girl!

Anne said...

Thanks for being honest and sharing with us. I'll pray for you. Just this weekend our pastor talked about his issues with eating, and how it can be an addiction similar to alcohol and drugs. He talked about how he tried to control it on his own, but like so many other issues that we all have, it is something that he has been unable to do on his own, and has only been able to overcome with the power of God. So remember that while it may seem like an impossible battle, with God it is possible. Rely on Him to battle this with and for you!

The Mrs. said...

Oh honey, I'll be praying for you this week! I eat when I'm bored...it's a TERRIBLE habit. When my hubby was home he would always be like are you hungry or are you bored? :(

everyone calls me bon bon said...

Will definitely be praying for you! Life is not always peppy and perfect, for sure! You are amazing for writing so vulnerably and honestly. This is just another step in your journey and you have tons of support. You go girl! xoxo

Cassie said...

The entire time I was reading your post I felt like you were me. I am the same way. Up and down I go. Right now I'm working on going up instead of down. I am having such a hard time to really get motivated and stick with it. Last night I ate half of an entire loaf of Hawaiian bread! Talk about Eating Your Feelings. I was eating and crying watching Khloe Kardishian get married! I need to pick myself up and get to work. You are an inspiration.

Thank you for blogging!

d.a.r. said...

Your honesty is so refreshing. I hope that this next week is the new start that you need!!

Mateya said...

We all go through these ups and downs, but the main thing to remember is you KNOW you can do it! Stay positive! I'll be praying for you!

Alisha said...

Girl, I think we all stress eat. It's just a mental copping mechanism, and we think food will solve our problems at the time.

I'll be praying for you. For strength when times are tough. For courage to know how to handle the tough times. And for motivation to keep going strong with your diet and workout! :)
xo

Melissa said...

Hang in there, and don't feel bad for feeling like you have a food problem. I've felt the same way in the past, and it's something I've kind of struggled with for the last 3-4 years.

I don't have time to blog this week much, so no Eat It. Work It. Blog It. for me, but I will definitely say a prayer for you!

Laura said...

I'm so proud of you! You have a clear idea of what you're battling.. and that's a big step :) Now, you can't just jump in and expect it all to work out.. ONE THING AT A TIME... really try hard to find something else that helps you get through your stress.. like going for a walk.. (which is burning calories rather than eating them..) writing me a letter in sweden (hehehe), looking through old pics, whatever it may be.. that doesn't get you in the kitchen. I knwo you can do this :) I'll keep saying prayers you get through it! I'm envious of your hard core working out... i know crossfit is HARD AS HELL.. and i'm so impressed at how awesome you are at it. Keep it up lady!!! xoxoxo

Britt said...

I'm your newest follower! I've never dieted... ever! And I'm not very good at working out either! But I just had two babies and feeling very subconcious so I decided to get strict with myself. I'm glad I came across your blog so I can hold myself accountable and it will help seeing others do what I'm doing also! I'll join along with the "eat it. work it. blog it." love the idea!

Kelly said...

I can relate so well to this post. I swear since Wes and I got married I have gained 40 pounds!!! Yes I said FORTY!!! My problem isn't that I eat my emotions...but I drink them (Coca Cola type drink!!) then I think well I've blown it so I might as well have a cheeseburger and some fries. Then I think...well I had that dang cheeseburger for lunch might as well have a pizza for dinner! Then I look in the mirror and almost cry....it's a horrible cycle. I'm going to write a post about this when I get home and link up. Maybe you can help a sister out!



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