Sorry to anyone who had difficulty using the link last week - I think there were some issues, but not 100% sure what went wrong. I will try to make sure everything works properly this week!
I had a revelation last night. Well, not technically a revelation - because this is not new news - but a realization that I'm falling into old habits again. I.Eat.My.Feelings. In times of extreme stress, sadness or anxiety - I eat and I eat a lot. That's why my weight fluctuates so often. I will put on 20 lbs during a "difficult time" and work like mad to drop the weight - only to put it back on when life's next storm rolls around. Pretty sad, huh?
Well, in November I learned some pretty crazy news. Life news - turn.my.world.upside down life news. Ever since, I've been slowly eating my feelings. It started small, I would allow myself to have one bite of ice cream after dinner even if it wasn't my cheat day. Then the holidays hit and I told myself it was "just the holidays" and I would jump back on the wagon at the first of the year. January came and went and somehow instead of only taking one cheat day per week, I averaged two or three.
So I decided to create this Eat It. Work It. Blog It. as a means of holding myself accountable - I *swore* to get my eating habits back under control and only take one cheat day per week - but I haven't kept that promise. And I need to be honest about it.
Last night I was expressing my frustration to Steven that I haven't lost any weight since December - not a single pound. Thankfully, I haven't gained a single pound either, but it's very frustrating to have reached this plateau. He was strangely quite as I pondered why my weight loss has come to a halt: my body has adjusted, I'm not working out as hard as before, maybe my new birth control?? He said nothing - as if he were waiting for me to realize what he's been seeing for months.....
OMG!! I'm eating my feelings again aren't I!?!?! To which he quietly replied, "Yeah sweetie - you are. I wish I knew how to help you through this - but yes, you are." And I cried myself to sleep.....
The *only* reason I haven't gained weight during this period of overeating is because of my intense workout routine at CrossFit Charlotte. Last week I really stepped up my game and I was incredibly pleased with the results of my workout. I hit the gym for five WODS (Workout of The Day) and one strength class. Tuesday evening during our strength bias, I did a 1 rep max back squat of 145lbs. That's a 15 lb increase from my last back squat max!
I wasn't feeling well Thursday-Sunday, but I still drug myself to the box Thursday, Friday & Saturday. Admittedly, I went a little easier than normal, but I was proud that I committed to going and didn't allow feeling under the weather to be an excuse to miss my workouts. If only I could commit so much dedication to my eating habits.....
I feel like I'm facing this intense crossroads this week. I feel like an addict of some sort - I've acknowledged my problem. And I know that some of you may think I'm being dramatic - especially if you aren't the kind of person who struggles with weight issues or overeating, but I am not writing this post for dramatic effect.
There are issues that need to be dealt with. Issues that a candy bar in the afternoon "just because I'm feeling down" cannot help. Issues that won't go away just because I keep promising to "get on the wagon tomorrow". I know that if I do not deal with these issues, I will quickly find myself starting at my teary eyed reflection that's 20 lbs heavier asking, "How the hell did you do this to yourself - again!?!"
But to be honest, sometimes eating my feelings is much easier than dealing with them and I think that's why overeating is my vice. But the food no longer makes me feel better - it only makes me feel worse. I have worked too hard to take my life back. I've worked too hard to feel good in my own skin. I refuse to stay on this road of self destruction simply because I do not want to deal with life.
So if you pray, please pray for me this week. I'm struggling. I hate to admit it. I hate to admit that life isn't as peppy and perfect as it appears on my blog -but it isn't and it hasn't been for a little while now. But I have an unbelievable husband who supports me and believes in me to help get me through this. I have friends who go out of their way to make sure that I know I am loved and cared for. I am so blessed - so unbelievably blessed. I can deal with this - without the food. And that's exactly what I'm going to do.