Thursday, February 3, 2011

Passion or Companionship?

My girlfriends and I try to get together at least once a month for a "girl's night" - generally this consists of lots of Italian food, lots of wine and lots of gossip.  During January's girls' night we played a pretty interesting game.  I can't remember the name, but basically there were about 100 cards with very personal questions and each player chose a card and got to ask the personal question to another player of their choice.

Most of the questions were pretty juicy and of course it was hysterical to hear the answers.  (Don't worry friends - I promise not to spill your secrets for the entire Blog world to see!)  But one question has been nagging me the past few days....

If you had to chose between passion and companionship which would you chose and why?

All three of my friends chose passion.  For obvious reasons - it's important to feel a spark for the man you love, you can be friends with anyone - but not lovers, women need to feel that connection and desire, etc.

Of course, I was the only one out of the four who felt companionship was more important than passion.  Which threw my mind into a tailspin on the way home that evening:  Was it because I've been married for almost three years and have moved out of the "honeymoon phase"?  Is it because I've been with Steven for 8 years?  Is there something wrong with me for valuing companionship over passion?  Have I let the fires of my marriage burn out??

Since that evening a single friend and I have been discussing the woes of her love life.  She's an attractive, successful, intelligent woman who has so much to offer in a relationship - but she just can't seem to find the right guy to commit to.  Over the course of our conversations she's expressed concerns of her own: Are her expectations too high?  Should she just give up on "Mr. Perfect" and settle?  What if it's not the men she's been dating but it's her - what if she's just BSC!?!?! 

So again - I've been faced with this choice of companionship vs. passion.  And I found myself telling me dear friend these words of advice:

I think too many women look at love as this wild, romantic fairy tale where some sexy man comes into the picture with sweat dripping down his chiseled abs.  He literally sweeps her off her feet and carries her into his love den where their passion for one another is eternal and they survive off steamy sex and endless conversations about their undying love for one another.

As someone who has been married for a while - I can tell you, steamy sex and endless conversations about undying love does not pay the bills, does not put food in pantry and does not do the laundry!  Passion doesn't nurse you back to health when you've got the flu and cannot get out of bed.  Passion doesn't surprise you by cleaning the dishes just because he knows you've had a long day and could use a break from housework.  Passion doesn't volunteer to babysit an 8 week old puppy for 3 weeks so that Santa can bring your little brother a puppy for Christmas.  Passion doesn't buy you tampons when you've completely run out and don't have time to go to the store.  Passion doesn't seek to make amends when there is conflict.  Passion doesn't stand by your side and cheer you on when you think you can't carry on.  Passion doesn't fight like hell to make a marriage work. 

But companionship does.

Think about all the things that you would do for your friends.  I'm not talking about your frenemies - those people who you pretend to adore but really would love to throw into oncoming traffic if the opportunity ever presented itself.  I'm talking about your real friends. 

Think about how you feel their pain when they are sad.  How you look for ways to brighten their day when you know they have had a tough time.  How you laugh together and cry together.  How you would stand toe-to-toe with the meanest bully in the world to defend your friends. 

Now think about that friendship amplified in your marriage or relationship.  Think about how much stronger your friendship with your partner will be because you have committed to love them above all others.  They are your person - the one person who is completely yours - devoted to you and you alone. 

I'm not trying to discount the importance of passion.  Attraction to your partner is a vital part of a relationship - but a relationship cannot survive on attraction and passion.  I do feel attraction to Steven and "that spark" - but I know that there may be times in our marriage when that passion is not as strong as I would like.  Passion is a feeling - it can come and go depending on a person's mood, depending on their current circumstances and abilities.  Companionship is a relationship - no matter how I feel about Steven in any given moment - I *always* know that he is my best friend.  He's my person - my God given person. 

He's the man I want to sit on the front porch with when I'm ninety.  We'll hold hands and drink sweet tea and talk about all the memories we've shared together.  I would rather talk about all the experiences we shared as friends rather than moments of passion: How we grew up together. We survived our twenties and finally figured out "what we wanted to do when we grew up."  Talk about the struggles and joys of raising our children.  Talk about how wonderful our grandchildren are and how being a grandparent is way better than being a parent.  I'm not so sure that those night's spent on bearskin rugs in front of the fire eating whip cream off each other will be so important to me when I'm ninety - but I'm sure that every moment shared with my best friend building our life together will be.

But maybe I'm just crazy and I'm the only woman in America who would chose companionship over passion.....

**PS - it's completely okay to disagree with me.  All of my friends do!  Maybe there are some insights I'm just missing.  You won't hurt my feelings!

56 comments:

The Granberrys said...

I'm with you. Companionship is what makes the marriage last!

MJ said...

Wait...there won't be hot steamy sex that we can survive off of!?!? Just kidding... I completely agree with you! Companionship is truly at the heart of a marriage. There is passion there, of course, but without the friendship, would it be worth it?

Savanah said...

I'm not even married yet and I would choose companionship over passion as well. I loved this post and everything was very well said! :)

Jennifer said...

I think BOTH are important. I broke off an engagement to someone due to lack of ANY passion. I mean at all. In my eyes...how do you plan on having children with someone you don't want to be with in that way? I loved him very much but broke it off because it was not fair to either of us.

I am now with my soul mate. We have both of those things. I love it! He is the most amazing man I have ever met.

Leslie said...

I totally agree! You have to be friends with your spouse above anything else. I always try to think about this situation- if something (medical wise) were to happen to my hubby and the "passion" wasn't able to happen anymore, God forbid!, he would still be my best friend and I would still want to spend the rest of my life with him. That puts this debate into perspective...

Rebekah said...

I choose Companionship! Passion is in our marriage, but companionship is what get's us through everything! I think when you have companionship in a marriage, the passion will be there too. But it's not the most important thing to me. :)

April Westerhold said...

I agree with you! This year we will celebrate 5 years of marriage and 7 years together. In the beginning, there was definitely passion, passion, passion BUT as I've grown older, we've grown together, had 3 children, etc. I think companionship is most important to me. There is NO ONE ELSE in the world that I would rather spend time with. He is by far my best friend and I love every moment we spend together. Yes, I still like the passion part but I would definitely choose companionship. Now, I'm not sure about him, though. I think guys are wired differently. LOL

Kristin said...

Companionship definitely! I love being married to my best friend! Great post!

Living The Adventures said...

honestly, i agree!! :) very thought provoking, i like it!!

Bryan and Chelsey's Moss Moments said...

LOVE this post! I completely agree with you girl! Yes, there needs to be passion in falling in love with that person, and in your marriage, but I think after you're married companionship does all that stuff that passion thinks he's too good for! You need both, but I'd choose companionship any day! ;)To me, passion is amazing, but fleetingly gone in the moment. Companionship shows true love and is forever.

Miss Chelsea said...

Good post! This is something that I've been struggling with internally for a few weeks now

Ashley said...

OK so apparently I am SUPER emotional right now -- this brought tears to my eyes.
When I read the question I immediately said companionship. passion can be born from your companionship with your partner. I love my husband and things were hot and steamy when we first started dating -- all unicorns and rainbows, candles and romance. We still have those things but it's different. we rely on one another as a partner in life and that makes us more passionate about the other and our relationship.
Thanks for this wonderful post =)

Aly @ Analyze This said...

I really don't know if I could honestly choose. Both have their pro's and con's .... But if you twisted my arm, I'd have to agree with you. However, I wasn't agreeing with you until you got to the part in your post about steamy sex and endless love not paying the bills, doing laundry, etc.

A good balance of the two are SO important and I think that if you don't have one, you don't have the other.

ajs {of MN} said...

if one had to be life long I would TOTALLY pick companionship. I too have been with Aaron 8+ years... and he is my BEST FRIEND {well besides my other BFFs ;)}
anyways makes total sense why you and I would pick this over passion... besides our emailing about love languages matches up as well... that has A LOT to do with what you want in life etc.
my last bit, passion can get tiring, where compassion just comes natural and can be easy.

Dani said...

I pick companionship. I married my husband because he is my best friend, not for his bedroom skills. While passion is important in a marriage, it's not #1.

Home Is Where the Hart Is said...

Love this post!!!! And I prefer to have both passion and compassion...I think if you work at each you can do it. (Although I get that's totally not the point of the question...I'm just talking real life here.) :)

Mrs. Muffins said...

Amber, THANK YOU for this post. I've been finding myself asking the same question in my mind... but you're right. Passion won't matter later on, it's fun and important but companionship is what gets us through the good and the bad.
Great post, great wisdom, and great advice. THANK YOU!

Miss Southern Vol said...

Im definitely with you on companionship! that is the foundation and basis of a marriage. You dont get through the lowest of lows and toughest of tough through passion and crazy sex. Id much rather haev the companionship w/ my husband and friends for that matter. Good things to think about today!

D @ The best things in life said...

I couldn't agree more! I am not married but this Sunday marks 7 yrs with my guy so i can relate. LOVED your post, so so true!

Ashley said...

I agree 100%, passion is great in the moment, but companionship is what makes the long run worth it...in my eyes :)

Ashleigh said...

Amen girl! Companionship all the way! I think once you have that, and if you are truly in love, the passion is just there!

Meg O. said...

I totally agree. Companionship is way more important in the grand scheme of things -- but passion is also important and SHOULD be the icing on the cake! Obviously I wouldn't fall in love with someone I didn't feel a passionate energy towards, so I'm assuming it's there anyway. I want a partner for life!

Patience said...

I agree with you 100%. I would take companionship over passion any day.

Rissy said...

my mom was just telling me the other day that she worries a lot of guys are going to "bore me" because I expect excitement all the time in my relationship!

I think my ex and I definiely had passion and sometimes it came out in a negative way... fighting lol
Now I would definitely love some companionship.

d.a.r. said...

I didn't even have to think twice to answer: companionship. Though, I did continue reading, only to have my eyes fill with tears.

Companionship will be there when we are exhausted with a new baby. It will be there when our parents pass away and we are consumed with grief. It will be there as we grow and develop as parents and when our kiddos leave the nest. It will be there when we start to age and our health declines. It will be there as our children marry and as we chase grandchildren around the house. When I am old and gray, and my body is failing me, my best friend will still be at my side. That right there breeds and sparks passion that cannot be created through sex or romance alone.

Chardonnay said...

I totally agree! As soon as I read that question, I said "companionship" in my head before even reading your answer.

Mateya said...

Hands down, without a doubt, companionship. I just got out of the chapel service we have on the campus I work at like 10 minutes ago and this post goes hand in hand with that. The messages was about what makes a relationship last and although sex and passion are important, they are not what keep a marriage going.

I had to laugh at the part about sitting on the porch reminiscing about the past and your children, etc. and not thinking about those steamy moments licking whipped cream off each other...too funny but so true!!!

I really needed to hear this today too. Thanks friend :)

~*~Lilly~*~ said...

Great post! You absolutely had my eyes tearing up.

I have to say i agree with you 150%, and always have felt that way. BUT yet i am the woman that married for passion & now finds myself sitting her watching her almost 2 yr marriage and 5 year relationship falling apart daily.

Every point you made is completely true. Passion isn't the glue that will keep you together when the going gets tough, passion certain comes and goes depending on the day, the person and even the cycle of the moon. But companionship.... that's the one thing that will be there 60 years from now when neither of you wants to even think about sex, someone can't find their teeth or god forbid one spouse is left to care for the ailing other spouse. Without companionship there is no passion, there can be love - but the love that lasts ages certainly needs more then hot steamy moments or throws in the dark with someone.

Mrs. Nelson said...

I completely agree with you Amber. Hands down, companionship all the way. OF COURSE, passion is important but if I had to choose, it would be companionship too. You my friend are not alone :) haha. I love this post so much btw!

Sarah said...

I definitely don't disagree with you! You're right - passion is a FEELING. And when you're married, every day you choose to work on your marriage; to be there, to stay committed and to love your spouse. Passion is a fleeting feeling. While attraction is definitely needed and an important part of marriage, it's MORE important that your spouse be your best friend. How else would you survive 50+ years of marriage?!

Kathryn said...

As soon as I read the question I said companionship. Maybe it is because I've been married 3.5 years, but that's how I feel!

Ashley said...

And this post is another reason why you are one of my favorite bloggers!

I completely agree with you, companionship is so important and definitely my number one choice.

Although, if passion did pay the bills and clean the house I may be second guessing. ;)

Mere said...

I totally agree with you! I'm not even in a relationship right now but I understand that although passion is temporary, companionship goes on and on! :)

Nicole said...

To be honest, I never thought of it the way you wrote it, but you did an excellent job of proving your point! I definitely would have chosen Compassion... but maybe for different reasons but I love your reasoning.

Sonya said...

Makes sense to me! My thought was how can you have passion without the companionship first?

Tyly said...

So I feel dumb for asking, but what's BSC?

I completely agree with what you've said, and you wrote it so beautifully. This is what I needed to read. Seriously.

Jessica said...

I think a marriage has to be built on both passion and companionship but if I had to choose, companionship is the obvious winner to me. Like you said, passion doesn't nurse you back to health when your sick or bring you tammys when you need 'em!

Whitney said...

What's BSC?

I choose companionship. When I read the question to my fiance, he chose companionship as well.

Cait said...

wow what a great blog girl. i love this post about companionship and TOTALLY would choose it over passion! it makes a marriage last in my opinion! i love this and am going to follow now!

Truly His said...

Love this post and now am a HUGE fan of your blog!! Companionship is vital...what a great question to think through... Great post!!

Stacie said...

Great post! I'm with you, I'd pick companionship as well :-)

Kemi said...

This is such a great post! I completely agree with everything said.

Sassy Amie said...

Great blog post! I can completely understand how companionship wins over passion. I would for me too!
My only questions is, what is BSC??

d.a.r. said...

Okay, so I talked to Z about this last night. He made a great point: Passion is there to help you enjoy the highs. But companionship is there for both the highs and the lows. Sure, passion makes marriage wonderful. And it is a big reason why we fall in love in the first place. But companionship helps you stay in love.

As he said: Marriage is a life time commitment, not a one night stand.

Just thought you would want a boy opinion :)

Brittany said...

You really have a way with words. Maybe you should write a book, I'm serious. This brought tears to my eyes! I was set on passion when I started reading but you have convinced me how much relationships need companionship as well. How can you be romantic with someone without passion? But how can you grow old with someone without companionship? It is what keeps a relationship together. Thanks for posting this. I really enjoed reading it.

Mrs. Lukie said...

Couldn't agree more, Amber! What a great post :)

Brittany Ann said...

I'm with you 100-percent. I mean, I'm glad my husband and I have some passion, but we've been married 2.5 years, we're pregnant, we have responsibilities. Day-in-day-out, it's the companionship I'm most grateful for.

Mrs Newlywed said...

Love, Love, Love this post! it takes a certain level of maturity to understand the longevity of both.

Mutrena Walter said...

I'm 24 yrs old I am an manager at a hair salon the money is ok it gets me by.. I have a two yr old daughter and I've known now that I was pregnant for about a month. my 1st choice was to keep the baby. But later i was second guessing my choice, because the father which iss my lover has turned me down and told me that he has nothing to do with me anymore. I was sad and sick everyday, crying. my bf whom i love with my blood is has left me and our daughter lives but the relationship is no more. so few weeks later after we seperated, a friend told me about a spell lady who has helped her before in bringing her lover back. I had to contact the spell lady on my own case just to bring my lover back. my family is really religious and they already have a strike against me for being pregnant outside of marriage so if I was or do get an abortion they probably wouldn't deal with me. I have a lot on my plate and no choice but to meet the spell lady at priestessifaa@yahoo.com, My story changed with her spell. everything turned around, after she did the spell, my lover came back begging me to let him come back and make things right. I was more surprise than you reading this knowing that my dream came through. The best news is that my weeding date has been fixed so my unborn going to be given birth to not as a bastard.
Priestess Ifaa has changed my story. I am forever indebted to her.

sylvia keith said...

i just want to share my experience and testimony here.. i was married for 4 years to my husband and all of a sudden, another woman came into the picture.. he started hailing me and he was abusive..but i still loved him with all my heart and wanted him at all cost…then he filed for divorce..my whole life was turning apart and i didn't know what to do..he moved out of the house and abandoned the kids.. so someone told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster…so i decided to try it reluctantly..although i didn't believe in all those things… then when he did the special prayers and spell, after 2days, my husband came back and was pleading..he had realized his mistakes..i just couldn't believe it.. anyways we are back together now and we are happy..in case anyone needs this man, his email address olotospellhome@yahoo.com his spells is for a better life. again his email is olotospellhome@yahoo.com

maya anderson said...

i just want to share my testimony here.. i was married for 12 years to my husband and all of a sudden, another woman came into the life of my husband.. he started hailing me and he was abusive..but i still loved him with all my heart and wanted him at all cost…then he filed for divorce..my whole life was turning apart and i didn't know what to do..he moved out of the house and abandoned me and my 3 kids.. so someone told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster called ashra so i decided to try it reluctantly..although i didn't believe in all those things… then when he cast the spell, after 3 days that he told me, my husband came back and was pleading..he had realized his mistakes..i just couldn't believe it.. anyways we are back together now and we are happy..in case anyone needs this man help, his email address ashraspellhome@yahoo.com his spells is for a better life

Victoria James said...


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taylor nancy said...

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I will continue to share this testimony sir till the whole world had of it. i am out here to spread this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex husband back.I was going crazy when my husband left me and my two kids for another woman last month, But i complained to my colleague in my place of work and she discuss with me her experience too and how she over come with the help of papa Dr saulat the great messenger God is using to help people, I narrated my problem to Dr saulat about how my Husband left me and my two kids and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,24 hours later,My Ex Husband called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me and the kids before now and one week after my Husband called me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in a very big company here in Washington DC were i needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact saulatspellhome@yahoo.com on his personal email address or website http://drsaulatindiaspell.webs.com/ and get all your problem solve..No problem is too big for him to solve

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Kate Wilson said...

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