Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Confession Time



       
I have a confession to make – and it’s probably the most difficult confession I have made via my blog. I have an eating disorder. It’s not exactly what you may be thinking – but believe me when I tell you it is something I genuinely struggle with every day. I can’t stop overeating. Pretty much, I’m bulimic – but I forget to throw up. When I’m stressed, frustrated, tired, happy, sad, excited – pretty much any emotion other than content – I binge on anything I can find. I wish I could say that I only over indulge on sweets and chocolates – but that would be a lie. I wish I could say that salty snacks such as chips or trail mixes were my only weak spot – but that too would be a lie. I wouldn’t even dare try to pretend that my only vice would be fast food – because, you got it – I would be lying.

You see, I love it all. I love every bad for you food imaginable: sweets, snacks, fast food, fried food, etc. If you put a piece of cheesecake in front of me and a cup of fruit – I’m going for the cheesecake. And on the rare occasion that reason sets in and I decide to eat fruit as opposed to cheesecake, I will stare at whomever is eating cheesecake with disgust and jealousy. It’s honestly my biggest downfall.

Last Thursday while eating a bag of salt and vinegar chips, I had a mini meltdown. I cried to Steven that I was just unhappy with myself. I have so little self control when it comes to what I eat and how much I eat. Couple that with my lack of discipline in my workouts and I’m starting to pack on the pounds these days. Mind you – as I was crying – I was shoving salt and vinegar chips in my mouth. Starting to see the problem?

Last night Steven and I watched four episodes of “Kirstie Alley’s Big Life”. It was hysterical and entertaining. Steven *hates* reality TV – to the point that MTV is banned in his presence – but even he was laughing out loud at Kirstie’s shenanigans. Although it was comical, it was incredibly sad for me. I sat there watching her struggle with eating habits and exercise routines and I recognized so many flaws of my own. I could see how embarrassed she was at how her clothes fit – and I felt her pain as I feel the same way each morning when I search through my closet for something to wear. I watched her sneaking into the kitchen late night and understood how badly she wanted that piece of cake. I don’t think I have ever identified with a celebrity so strongly.

While I’m not quite as far gone as Kirstie, I realize that I have to make a real change. I just can’t keep doing this to myself. I’m a confident woman – I’m a capable woman – why on earth am I allowing an extra 10-15 pounds to keep me down like this? So I’m joining “Team Kirstie” and I’m going to lose the weight with her.

I’m back on Weight Watchers (any point friendly recipes are more than welcome!) and I’m hitting the gym each morning. I have even downloaded this neat little app on my Aeris that tracks my points for me. You know how us Type-A people love apps to keep our lives organized! It’s not going to be easy, but I’m determined to feel comfortable in my bathing suit this summer – and it’s only two months away.


PS:  If you haven’t watched Kirstie Alley’s Big Life – you should definitely check it out. It’s fabulous!

27 comments:

Stacey said...

guess I should have gotten you the sugar-free jelly bellys?

And I am sorry you got your mama's hips too, that doesn't help anything!

Taylor-Made Wife said...

Oh honey, Im so in the same boat. Well, except I'm addicted to working out. Make small changes where you can and you'll see a difference that won't cause you to go off the deep end once your body gets tired of being deprived. You can do it!

Kelly said...

I feel your pain! I joined Weight Watchers in the middle of February! I have lost 10 pounds! Whoo Hoo I just this morning got back into my size 8 jeans! They are still a little tight but I'm on my way to my happy place! (I want to be at 120 and today I'm at 151 from 161!)

I have a good bean dip that is only 2 points per serving that I will email you! It's soooo good! (an you can have 13 chips if you choose wisely!) so the whole snack is 3 points!

I'll be your buddy - if you need one! You go girl!

Aly @ Analyze This said...

Aww, Amber! I so can relate to you and many other women on this. I am a binge eater...I am a binge worker-outer (yea, made that up)!

Since I have Celiac Disease...I lost 25 pounds in about a month, but sure enough, I've put back on 19 of the 25 pounds. It is so depressing.

I have a daily battle with my closet. It seems I am always reaching for the "safe", non form fitting clothes. But the thing is...I have cute clothes to wear, but I lack in the confidence department to actually wear them!

They (the experts) say that after 14 days of starting and maintain a workout and good eating regimen, your body and brain start to adapt.

So here's to the next 14 days...for you and me! Cheers!

Mrs. Muffins said...

Hey sweetie <3 I've never confessed on my blog either but I've struggled with eating disorders since I was ten years old. I started out just purging but then I would restrict and anytime I gave in and ate, I would purge some more. During my pregnancy I was able to eat normally and I was healthy. However since having Riley I've had extreme issues with body image. I'm afraid to diet because I know what will happen and exercise bulimia has been a problem too. I want to be a healthy example for my daughter but I struggle every day on the inside. Good luck to you :)

Katie said...

HONEY do i EVER relate! i've dealt with this my whole life (i was 165 lbs in 7th grade) and feel like my life REVOLVES around what i eat. it is SUCH a struggle but all i can say is to give it to the LORD first, that's where it starts. you can do it!!! good for you for jumping on ww!!!

Natasha said...

Bless your heart!!! If I were you, snack on good things (like apple with peanut butter)... these tasty treats fill you up and give you much needed protein! And for your helpful eating tips, visit this site--gives point totals =)
GOOD LUCK!
http://www.dwlz.com/restaurants.html

Mrs. Lukie said...

I feel for you, Amber. What a difficult thing to struggle with, I'm sure. Since I have had to go gluten-free (due to realizing I have a gluten sensitivity/intolerance), I have realized how ADDICTED to sugar & carbs I was! I had *NO* idea what a hold that stuff had on me.

Sure enough, once I eliminated it from my diet completely & replaced it with healthy things (fruit, veggies, lean proteins, nuts/seeds), I don't miss it one bit. I never even crave it! And I am able to say, "No, thank you!" when someone offers me baked goodies or salty/other sweet yummies.

I wish you the best of luck on this new journey--we're all supporting you 100%!!

Danielle said...

Girl, I am right there with you. I'm a closet eater though. I can make pretty good food choices in the presence of others...but if I am by myself, watch out! I'm a 30-Day Shred Drop Out. I'm not even "big" either...I could stand to lose 10-15 lbs as well. The good thing about us Type A people, we like SCHEDULES! If you can schedule time for exercise, it will help so much. Good luck!

Kaloula said...

Amber I am so with you on this, I eat anything and everything too. I'm trying to get a grip right now with you, good luck on your journey. Keep in touch with your blogger friends, there are so many in the same shoes. Just know you are not alone!

agalandherdog said...

I love eating too, but I make myself workout 4-6 times a week (even if it's just walking the dogs for 30 minutes). As soon as I get home from work, I change into my workout clothes. I don't even sit down because I know I won't want to get back up. That's the only thing that has worked for me. And if I eat something bad, I don't beat myself up over it. I just work a little harder for the rest of the week. It's all about balance. Good luck!

Mateya said...

You are definitely not alone in this...I think a majority of women struggle with issues with food. I am just like you, if there is dessert in front of me or fruit I will choose the dessert 99% of the time. I also love everything from sweats, to salty and everything in between!

Good for you for starting WW! Definitely keep us updated with the results and post yummy recipes! You go girl!

Heather Martin said...

OMG! I am almost the same way except my downfall is just sweets alone. I hate working out and even though im getting married in less than a month i cant get motivated to do it. My weight always fluncuates from 10-20lbs. I stay like that for close to a year then loose it for a couple months and gain it right back.

I have watched her show and I feel the same way you do. It's sad and really not easy. Good luck!!!!

KatieB. said...

Oh girl, I'm so proud of you for writing this post! First of all, you're absolutely beautiful and special! But, I know how challenging it can be to put food down and just say no. I struggle with this myself - mindless eating, stress eating, you name it. I'm also not very good at exercising, so I've remained a pretty solid Size 12 for years. But, I have started running and am eating more protein - so I'm here to tell you it can be done! Good luck and we're all here to support you! You're beautiful and sweet and can do anything you put your mind too!

Brittany said...

Aww, Amber. I'm so sorry you struggle with this. I'm a binge eater but also binge worker-outter (as Aly said). I'll eat bad things but then workout until I can't anymore. And I eat good around others but at night time, I get the hungries. I hope this weight watchers works for you and you're able to become more confident in yourself! You're a beautiful girl :-)

Kelly said...

I saw a preview for her show and it actually did look good! I 'll have to tune in!

BEST of luck to you!! I'm in the same boat as you-- I've had these 10lbs on me too long. Enough excuses! You can do it!!!

Southerland Living said...

aww Amber- I feel your pain girl. I will e-mail you tonight with some tips!

...::Mrs. Southern Bride::... said...

I am the same way. I eat just about anything...so I finally started counting calories, plus walking almost every day. It has helped a lot!! :)

brittany said...

oh sweet girl, i am right there with you. i MUCH prefer chips and jack in the box tacos to salads. i am struggling with the motivation...and with the wedding coming up?? it all seems so daunting.

hang in there and stay strong lady. email me if you ever need to vent about workouts! :)

Sarah said...

Oh, I so know how you feel. Except, I didn't really have a problem until I got married. I could eat whatever the heck I wanted and not gain a single pound. There were many times when I just ate dessert for dinner. I never really ate a ton, but I wasn't very careful either. Then, when I got married, I ate whenever he ate. If he was hungry, I had some. He wanted ice cream, so did I. Before our 1st anniversary, I'd gained about 20 pounds. OUCH. I'm still high up there on the scale, but I think it's just because I'm working out and building muscle. It's HARD to go on a diet, restrict yourself, and get up and work your butt off at the gym. It's hard and it sucks. But, once you lose a pant size...you'll feel like a million dollars. =) Promise. <3

Amber said...

THANK-YOU SO MUCH TO MY AMAZING READERS AND FRIENDS FOR THE SUPPORT! I'M SO SURPRISED THAT SO MANY WOMEN ARE SUPPORTIVE AND CARE ABOUT MY SUCCESS. IT REALLY MAKES ME WANT TO SHED THOSE POUNDS AND DEVELOP A MORE HEALTHY LIFESTYLE!

YOU'RE ALL SO FABULOUS!

Katie said...

Hey girl! It's my first time to your blog and you crack me up!!! I am team Kristie and am so glad she has a show! haha

PS I am a serial snacker and it scares me what the cleaning people find in my trash can when I leave work...evidence of my day? :)

Kara@Pickerill Prattle said...

I feel your pain/struggle! I have the same issues which have allowed me to ballon---literally. I am working on it (since Jan.) small progress (about 10 lbs total) but I when I get back from vacay it is on. Good luck lady! Stop by my blog on Mondays for What's Cookin' most of what I post are WW recipes.

d.a.r. said...

I am so proud of your for admitting this. I know how hard, embarrassing, scary, humiliating it can be. Been there, done that. I battled with bulimia for years. It is NOT a fun or healthy way of life!

I am cheering for you sweetie, you are going to be SO successful! Please email me if you need encouragement, want to vent, or just chat.

And SIGN UP for a race girl!!! :)

capperson said...

I'm with you. I want to lose weight so bad and I do good and then I eat something good and then I just start eating everything. It sucks. I need to start back at the gym everyday with or without a workout partner and I need to stop this. I'm on the wagon with you.

Kassie said...

I think this control issue is one of my biggest problems! I don't really just eat a piece of something--if it is in the house, I eat it ALL, usually in my room (you know, really healthy and everything!) I wish I could be better at it, but I seem to be all or nothing! I'm interested to hear you journey on it!

Ashley Carole said...

I am so glad someone wrote about this! I am a huge binge eater on the weekends and will go through a whole bag of chips or box of cookies! It really helps to have someone to talk to about why you are eating or try and get your mind of it somehow!
I know we are all in this with you!



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