I’ve been feeling somewhat haunted over the past few days. Steven and I got into a pretty big argument Monday morning, for which I am largely responsible. To make matters worse, he left Monday afternoon to be out of town for the rest of the week. As a result, I’ve had a lot of time to think. To worry. To question decisions. To regret.
Yesterday I was plagued with one thought, “Is this how it all starts?” You hear about married couples whose marriage begins to slowly unravel after two or three years. Communication breaks down. Spouses become bitter. Life has a vile way of destroying love.
After days of uncertainty and turmoil, I made a decision. I choose to remember the good times. I choose to believe that our love is enough to overcome the trials we are facing. I choose to believe that Steven is God’s best for me and our marriage will only grow stronger as a result of this time in our lives.
So I slept on Steven’s side of the bed last night – because it smells like him and I needed to remember that smell. I laid in the dark, quite silence for hours remembering the best times of our relationship. As each memory flashed through my mind and overwhelmed my senses, I prayed that by some miracle he was remembering the same memories at the exact same moment.
And even if he can’t remember just right now – I will remember for the both of us:
I remember the first time I saw you. I was so attracted to you – blonde hair, great tan, strong shoulder and blue eyes that dared me to stare. I knew you were trouble but didn’t care.
I remember the bench at Wingate where we would sit and talk for hours about our hopes and dreams – our fears and insecurities.
I remember the moment I realized that I loved you. Freshmen year running through the haunted trail at Halloween and holding onto your hand as I pretended to be scared. There was a moment when you looked at me and said, “I got you” and I knew you weren’t lying. An hour later, after dropping me off at my dorm – you ran back to the front steps and told me that you loved me for the first time. I guess our hearts have just always been in sync like that.
I remember the pride I felt watching you play football and the tiny ping of fear each time you took a hard hit.
I remember the majesty of Victoria’s Peek in Hong Kong and knowing there was no one else I would have rather had holding my hand in that moment staring at one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen.
I remember how well you took care of me when I had E. Coli our senior year and my family was hours away. I knew then that I could marry you because you would always take care of me.
I remember how nervous you were right before you proposed. I was surprised by how easy it was for me to say “Yes!”
I remember how badly I needed you the night my apartment was robbed. I was so frightened and my hands wouldn’t stop shaking – that is until I got you – the moment you hugged me I knew that I was safe.
I remember the day we picked up Dixie and how excited we were to have a puppy. You were so gentle and kind. I knew you would be a great father the moment I saw you snuggle up with Dixie on the couch and whisper to her that everything would be okay as she whined for her mother.
I remember the feeling of pure joy I felt as I walked down the aisle towards you almost two years ago.
I remember our honeymoon – our first trip away together. It was surreal and exciting. It was the beginning of our life together.
I remember signing the papers for our first home. Our first official purchase together – as Mr. & Mrs.
I remember our first night in the house. It was the same day we bought Bauer. There we slept, a little family – two parents and two pups on a mattress on the living room floor. I remember thinking, “This is what happiness feels like.”
I remember Jamaica. Living like royalty for a few days in paradise. I remember you signing karaoke and my mini meltdown from scuba training – hahahaha.
I remember the night my car exploded and you were running around in your polar bear pajama pants trying to get the fire put out. We laughed for hours after it was all over – what a crazy night.
I remember all the good times, the tender moments of love and affection. Thousands of kisses and “I Love You’s”. Hundreds of nights spent snuggling on the couch watching our favorite shows. Birthdays and holidays. Our favorite restaurants and crazy adventures. SEC football and nights at the beach. I remember it all.
And I promise that no matter what life throws at us, I will remember that You Are God’s Best For Me. You are my best friend. My security. My protector. My lover. My partner in life. My soul mate. The only person who knows me completely – the only person that I don’t have to pretend for.
I will remember our beautiful past together and look forward to our promising future. I love you.