Wednesday, May 5, 2010

I Remember

I’ve been feeling somewhat haunted over the past few days. Steven and I got into a pretty big argument Monday morning, for which I am largely responsible. To make matters worse, he left Monday afternoon to be out of town for the rest of the week. As a result, I’ve had a lot of time to think. To worry. To question decisions. To regret.

Yesterday I was plagued with one thought, “Is this how it all starts?” You hear about married couples whose marriage begins to slowly unravel after two or three years. Communication breaks down. Spouses become bitter. Life has a vile way of destroying love.

After days of uncertainty and turmoil, I made a decision. I choose to remember the good times. I choose to believe that our love is enough to overcome the trials we are facing. I choose to believe that Steven is God’s best for me and our marriage will only grow stronger as a result of this time in our lives.

So I slept on Steven’s side of the bed last night – because it smells like him and I needed to remember that smell. I laid in the dark, quite silence for hours remembering the best times of our relationship. As each memory flashed through my mind and overwhelmed my senses, I prayed that by some miracle he was remembering the same memories at the exact same moment.

And even if he can’t remember just right now – I will remember for the both of us:

I remember the first time I saw you. I was so attracted to you – blonde hair, great tan, strong shoulder and blue eyes that dared me to stare. I knew you were trouble but didn’t care.

I remember the bench at Wingate where we would sit and talk for hours about our hopes and dreams – our fears and insecurities.

I remember the moment I realized that I loved you. Freshmen year running through the haunted trail at Halloween and holding onto your hand as I pretended to be scared. There was a moment when you looked at me and said, “I got you” and I knew you weren’t lying. An hour later, after dropping me off at my dorm – you ran back to the front steps and told me that you loved me for the first time. I guess our hearts have just always been in sync like that.

I remember the pride I felt watching you play football and the tiny ping of fear each time you took a hard hit.

I remember the majesty of Victoria’s Peek in Hong Kong and knowing there was no one else I would have rather had holding my hand in that moment staring at one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen.

I remember how well you took care of me when I had E. Coli our senior year and my family was hours away. I knew then that I could marry you because you would always take care of me.

I remember how nervous you were right before you proposed. I was surprised by how easy it was for me to say “Yes!”

I remember how badly I needed you the night my apartment was robbed. I was so frightened and my hands wouldn’t stop shaking – that is until I got you – the moment you hugged me I knew that I was safe.

I remember the day we picked up Dixie and how excited we were to have a puppy. You were so gentle and kind. I knew you would be a great father the moment I saw you snuggle up with Dixie on the couch and whisper to her that everything would be okay as she whined for her mother.

I remember the feeling of pure joy I felt as I walked down the aisle towards you almost two years ago.

I remember our honeymoon – our first trip away together. It was surreal and exciting. It was the beginning of our life together.

I remember signing the papers for our first home. Our first official purchase together – as Mr. & Mrs. 

I remember our first night in the house. It was the same day we bought Bauer. There we slept, a little family – two parents and two pups on a mattress on the living room floor. I remember thinking, “This is what happiness feels like.”

I remember Jamaica. Living like royalty for a few days in paradise. I remember you signing karaoke and my mini meltdown from scuba training – hahahaha.

I remember the night my car exploded and you were running around in your polar bear pajama pants trying to get the fire put out. We laughed for hours after it was all over – what a crazy night.

I remember all the good times, the tender moments of love and affection. Thousands of kisses and “I Love You’s”. Hundreds of nights spent snuggling on the couch watching our favorite shows. Birthdays and holidays. Our favorite restaurants and crazy adventures. SEC football and nights at the beach. I remember it all.

And I promise that no matter what life throws at us, I will remember that You Are God’s Best For Me. You are my best friend. My security. My protector. My lover. My partner in life. My soul mate. The only person who knows me completely – the only person that I don’t have to pretend for.

I will remember our beautiful past together and look forward to our promising future. I love you.


Mrs. Pick said...

What a beautiful post! You and your hubby have shared some wonderful memories! Praying for you all!

Danielle said...

Aww, that was a sweet post. I'm sure that everything will smooth out :) You both just have to work at it.

Aly @ Analyze This said...

What a sweet post! I hope that he reads this and see's how much love and praise you give him!!

Praying for you two always! xoxo

~*~Lilly~*~ said...

Love the post darling! I just wanted to say from one married lady to another (& not sugar coat it)....

Marriage is hard. Those same thoughts & regrets you express I have been there & some days i am still really there. I would be lying to myself if i didn't admit at times i have been like...wtfrick am i doing or have i done!?!? When things are good...they are really good. BUT when things are bad....they are duper bad (like fights.) It's so easy for things to just switch without any warning but don't give up & think "this is it...& here the down slide starts."

No relationship is fairytale - if people say it is...they are sadly lying to themselves, but i really think all the difficultly we have now will only pay off in the future. :) Good luck...but you seem like a strong lady who can get through this with your hubs. :)

agalandherdog said...

So sweet!

Kelly said...

There will always be arguements, make sure not to let them go too far, no name calling and always make up. Listen to his side, and make him hear yours.

After 5 years together Wes and I almost split up. Right before the wedding I was second guessing myself, do I want to do this again? Now 5 years later (almost 11 years together) we are stronger than ever. We argue, but not much, we listen and let go of the petty things. You will too. The next couple of years are tough,the honeymoon is over, and now it's just the reality of life. You will start to notice things that drive you crazy, so will he. Just ask yourself does it matter THAT much? What is important the dirty dishes or the quality time? No matter what else remember to hang on the best is yet to come!

amy anne said...

Thanks for being so honest in your post! It's really refreshing when people face reality, because the reality of marriage seems hard, but it's rarely painted that way.

Stacey said...

Great post! And don't worry, I heard on the Christian radio station that it is year 7 that one of you will think about leaving. How refreshing! Well we are approaching 24 years. Guess I need to make that list to remind me too. I laughed and cried at reading this, and remembering some of the stories (polar bear pants). Yes time is flying by and you are doing an awesome job. Just hope I haven't messed you up too much as an example.

Stacey said...

I remember the panic that came over me when Steven called me to tell me you were seeing a little blue man in the room when you had E.Coli and he didn't know what to do. I have never felt so helpless knowing that the only way of transportation at my house was a motorcycle and I could not drive it (with Etnan) and that I could not come that very moment to get you! I knew deep inside that he was truly taking care of you. Makes me love him even more!

Same Sweet Girl: Memoir of a Southern Belle said...

What a beautiful post as usual from you! You always end up making me tear up at work!!!!! I have been married for 4 years and I know how it feels when you have those times and think "Oh this where it starts to fall apart?" The only advice I have is, it doesn't have to fall apart. That isn't a given at all. You can ALWAYS choose to make it work and as a married couple, it is yalls duty to make it work forever. Good luck!! Keep smiling! :)

Mateya said...

This is so sweet. It's so true too, in hard times we need to focus on the good things and the fun things!

You should print this off and give it to Steven (if he doesn't read your blog).

Anonymous said...

I know how hard it can be. I have been in a long distance relationship for nearly three years. We trust each other more than anything and we have gone through some crazy stuff... Stuff that some married people never go through.
I was always told that our relationship would never work out, but it's been three years and we're planning to get married. I believe that if you want something to work, you can make it work. I hope this helps...

All of your "I remember when..." things could make a Hallmark movie, I'm just saying. :)

Melissa said... cute..reminds me of the love I have for my husband

Patience said...

Such a beautiful post. It brought tears to my eyes. I will pray for you and your husband. You have both shared so many special moments that it makes the bad ones seem minute. The best advice I was ever given is to choose my battles. What may seem catastrophic to me, may be nothing to him. When I feel myself getting out of line I remember this.

Rasha said...

Such a pretty post. I love it. You will work it out... Much prayers!

Miss Kriss said...

This post literally brought tears to my eyes! :)

Rachel and Mike Clifton said...

Hi, I've never met you, I found your blog through a friend's blog. Between this and the "letter to me", I can't help but cry, laugh and be filled with emotion. You writing evokes such strong feelings...Keep these memories with you always! Thanks for sharing them with us too.

MommyLovesStilettos said...

THis is such a beautiful post :)

Heather Lopez said...

Keep your head up and just remember to communicate! Communication is key and relationships take work. Everything will work out the way its supposed to.

Brittany said...

This was so sweet and touching Amber! I loved reading it. I hope your husband is able to read it to see how much you appreciate and love him. He is a lucky man! I'm sure you will hit bumps in the road ahead, as most couples do, but love and God will get you through those times! Keep being positive :-)

Brittany Ann said...

What a beautiful tribute to your husband.

You are so right. We choose marriage. We choose to see the best in your husbands. We choose to love them even when they drive us up a wall.

We choose our covenant with them and God.

That's how marriages stay strong and work, just like yours will.

MrsThomas said...

Thank you so much! I loved that post! My hubs and I just celebrated our one year last month an BOY have we had some rough times! It was so good to hear your positive outlook and honest response! You (and many of the other comments) have given me some serious encouragement! :)

Kristin said...

Amber, that was so beautiful! What a great reminder to take time to remember the good times. It's so therapeutic - even when things aren't tough. You just fall in love all over again, don't you? I hope you're having a great evening...

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