Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Zumba Nightmare


In my attempt to keep my new year’s resolution and lose weight, I have decided to start taking a weekly Zumba class. I took a Zumba class twice a week the 6 months before my wedding and absolutely loved it. The class was conducted by an amazing instructor, Koh, and even as a beginner she made me feel like a pro. So when I decided to start taking Zumba classes again, I was thrilled to learn that Koh still teaches at my local YMCA. BONUS – my real life friend turned blogger, Tess – check her blog out HERE, also takes Koh’s class on Tuesday evenings – so now I have a workout buddy!

Last night, Tess & I were surprised to learn that Koh would not be instructing the 5:30 Zumba class and we would have sub. Bummer….but we entered the class anyway. I for one was looking forward to the session – it had been a super long/stressful day and I needed to shake my cares away. Tess and I lined up in our usual spot (I should say her usual spot – this was only my second time in the class) which normally would be the center of the second row. Just close enough to front to have a clear view of the instructor, but not quite as intimidating as the front row.

Unfortunately, Tess and I did not realize that all the hardcore, front row Zumba women left when they realized we had a sub. Like I said, I have taken Zumba classes before – but this was my second session in over a year and half and I was front and center with a brand new instructor. Great…

I’m not even sure how to begin describing what happened over the next hour. The closest description I can manage is that it was a Zumba inspired exorcism. This woman was screaming, shaking, sweating, gyrating, panting, and flailing all.over.the.place! Tess and I kept sneaking panicked/amused glances at one another in the mirrors the entire class. This woman was exerting more energy screaming than she was moving her body. The choreography was tacky silly amateur uninspired.

I’m a curvy girl. I’ve got the hips and thighs of a Latin dancer. So as I became more comfortable with the insane choreography our instructor was teaching us, I braved a look into the mirrors to see what I looked like. Big mistake. Being on the front row allows you to see every move you make – it wasn’t a pretty sight people. I was doing my best to keep up with the instructor, but every time she yelled at me to “SHAKE IT!” I could only manage to “GIGGLE IT!” At one point (I swear I am not exaggerating here – Tess can back me up) she forced us to spread our legs far apart as if we were doing a plie style squat. We then had to plant our hands on the ground in front us. In case you are having a hard time picturing this – my feet were on the ground, my hands were on the ground and my butt was STRAIGHT IN THE AIR! We then proceeded to “shake it” up and down for 16 counts. *Remember – I’m in the front row* To say that I was mortified would be an understatement. I had to resist the urge to turn to the lady behind me and apologize – I have some serious junk in my trunk and I know it couldn’t have looked from that angle. I also did a quick glance to my crotch just to make sure I didn’t have any holes I was unaware of – how bad would that have been???

As 6:25 approached I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep moving – this class is almost over! I figured we had time for one more song and then we would enter into a warm-up. Boy was I wrong. Somehow, this crazy lady managed to cram 3 songs into the remaining 6 minutes of class – and she actually INCREASED her enthusiasm. She was literally in my face screaming for everyone to “shake it”, “move it”, and “let me hear you”. I kept backing up because I was afraid she was going to spit on me. At one point, she knocked me off balance. The look on Tess’s face said it all – this is hysterical, but we will never take lessons from a sub again!

The class finally came to an end and I am almost positive that everyone left feeling as if they barely escaped with only a shred of dignity left. Tess and I joked that we learned some good moves for the bedroom (again – sorry moms!). I am pretty sure that if I ever tried any of those moves in the bedroom Steven would burst into tears laughing and Bauer would go nuts and try to attack me. I really hope Koh is back next week….

Lesson learned: If you go to Zumba and your usual instructor isn’t there – hit up the treadmill for a half hour and call it a day!

Anything I’m leaving out here Tess? I honestly feel like our friendship reached a whole new level last night!

22 comments:

KatherineAnne said...

Oh my goodness! I am seriously laughing out loud right now. I'm so sorry your class was so insane but, thank you so much for brightening up my day and for the advice! I have been looking into a Zumba class so I'll keep this in mind :)

Happy Wednesday!
xo,
KA

Kelly said...

Omigosh, that is TOO FUNNY! I've never been to a Zumba class (but would love to) and they sound like so much fun. I always hate when they have subs and you're so used to your normal instructor. Once at Spin Class, this guy with long dreads stepped in and kept moaning and groaning throughout the class. It.was.horrible. Then he hopped onto the bike next to me and was like, "Go girl. You can do it harder" GROSS! ;-) Hope you have a great day!

Janna said...

I am so going to call my cousin and tell her your story! :) We both love Zumba- and she's is planning on becoming Zumba certified! That is just too funny!

Corinne said...

Oh. My. Gosh. What a nightmare! I did Zumba last year with my friends and I LOVED it! I'm hesitant now that I've moved to go to the one offered where I am now. I loved my old instructors and with not knowing anyone I find it hard to go-I don't want to be embarrassed due to my moves (or, um...lack there of!).
Hopefully your instructor nevers puts you through that again!!

Mateya said...

This is hilarious! I have never done Zumba (I am too uncordinated) but this seriously made me laugh! Glad you had a friend there with you so you could laugh together!

Bryan and Chelsey's Moss Moments said...

Oh my god..I can unfortunately picture all of that! Sounds like torture. I love Zumba, but I know for sure to always head to the middle/back and let all the skinny,professional people be in the front! Haha..Sounds like that lady was a trip! Hope you got her name! Haha..

Tori and Chad said...

That's awesome. I went to a hip hop dance coupled with step areobics class at the YMCA thinking because I could get just as crunk as all my other friends on a Friday night, that it wouldn't be a problem. I was so humiliated after about twenty minutes I left my step and walked out when I thought it would be less humiliating. The worst part was, I totally heard the instructor making fun of me as I trying to escape unnoticed on her overhead microphone.

Leesie said...

Oh wow! You are so much braver than I am. First of all, I wouldn't be caught anywhere near the front row. I'm more of a at least humiliate myself in the back where I'm less noticeable person. I've seen the informercials on tv and been intrigued about buying the video. Maybe I'll get one so I can embarass myself privately first.

Annie said...

oh my, that is too funny!!
thanks for sharing your story with us, ha!
i have looked into those classes around my area but i'm too nervous to attempt them. i don't think i could handle it.

hope you are having a happy wednesday!!

Tess said...

Amber, I couldn't have written this story any better! You included my favorite part (when she screamed right in front of you like a maniac) AND the legs, spread, arms down stance. You are right in that she screamed harder than she danced. Remember how, before every song, she would say "You've got this. It's easy. Just step, step, arm here, arm there, it's easy! Let's go!" EVERY TIME.

I'll always remember coming out of class, seeing Steven waiting on you, and the only thing I could get out was, "Steven, that was some crazy sh*& in there!"

Ashley @ KiwisandCocktails said...

hahaha. I could have written this post myself. NO JOKE. I go to zumba every Wed night with a friend. We have been doing it for a little over a year, but we have had some breaks, so when we go back after a while, there are new songs. WE LOVE LOVE LOVE THE main instructor- but her sub is horrible. I have blogged out my zumba class experiences before. Oh, and I am not coordinated AT.ALL, so when I have brought a new friend they are always better than me and it makes me mad/sad! I am just THE worse one in the class, but it is something different than the treadmill, but not as hard as Spin! ha.
OH, and the hole in the crotch- BEEN there done that! I blame my thick thighs for rubbing my pants bare!

Katie F said...

That is soo funny. I love Zumba but that sounds like one crazy class you went too. Hopefully next time your regular instructor will be there

Southerland Living said...

HOW FUNNY! I hae always wanted to try but I have been nervous to try something new!!

Ashley Carole said...

Oh my, that is too much! I love zumba and take it on a college campus so we do some crazy moves but your story tops all of my experiences!

Mrs P said...

The only comment I can leave on this is: AHAHAHAHA.

You crack me up girl. Esp the holes in my crotch part. Lol!

Erika said...

one word comes to mind... milkshake. hilarious story. thanks for sharing.

Crickette Ann said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stacey said...

Oops, I didn't realize I was signed in as Crickette when I put my post. Had to delete...
Any way, I said... I have taken Zumba too so you aren't the only one using the moves for your husband. HA HA!!!

Kelsey Claire said...

That is so funny! I have always considered Zumba, but I am no coordination. I would have just died!

Katie F said...

Hey!! I will come up to Charlotte anytime. It would be soo much fun. I miss life in the big city hehe. Even just spending a day in one would be enough.

Kara said...

I am so sorry to hear about your crazy class but I must say this story is just comical!

I have been wanting to try Zumba...don't worry your story hasn't scared me off, but I do think I will stick to the back rows of the class!

Children of the 90s said...

Ahh I was totally considering going to Zumba this morning, but I couldn't manage to wake up early enough! I hate that moment when you catch sight of yourself in the mirror, though--I'm always feeling confident till I see myself flailing.



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