Last night, Tess & I were surprised to learn that Koh would not be instructing the 5:30 Zumba class and we would have sub. Bummer….but we entered the class anyway. I for one was looking forward to the session – it had been a super long/stressful day and I needed to shake my cares away. Tess and I lined up in our usual spot (I should say her usual spot – this was only my second time in the class) which normally would be the center of the second row. Just close enough to front to have a clear view of the instructor, but not quite as intimidating as the front row.
Unfortunately, Tess and I did not realize that all the hardcore, front row Zumba women left when they realized we had a sub. Like I said, I have taken Zumba classes before – but this was my second session in over a year and half and I was front and center with a brand new instructor. Great…
I’m not even sure how to begin describing what happened over the next hour. The closest description I can manage is that it was a Zumba inspired exorcism. This woman was screaming, shaking, sweating, gyrating, panting, and flailing all.over.the.place! Tess and I kept sneaking panicked/amused glances at one another in the mirrors the entire class. This woman was exerting more energy screaming than she was moving her body. The choreography was
I’m a curvy girl. I’ve got the hips and thighs of a Latin dancer. So as I became more comfortable with the insane choreography our instructor was teaching us, I braved a look into the mirrors to see what I looked like. Big mistake. Being on the front row allows you to see every move you make – it wasn’t a pretty sight people. I was doing my best to keep up with the instructor, but every time she yelled at me to “SHAKE IT!” I could only manage to “GIGGLE IT!” At one point (I swear I am not exaggerating here – Tess can back me up) she forced us to spread our legs far apart as if we were doing a plie style squat. We then had to plant our hands on the ground in front us. In case you are having a hard time picturing this – my feet were on the ground, my hands were on the ground and my butt was STRAIGHT IN THE AIR! We then proceeded to “shake it” up and down for 16 counts. *Remember – I’m in the front row* To say that I was mortified would be an understatement. I had to resist the urge to turn to the lady behind me and apologize – I have some serious junk in my trunk and I know it couldn’t have looked from that angle. I also did a quick glance to my crotch just to make sure I didn’t have any holes I was unaware of – how bad would that have been???
As 6:25 approached I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep moving – this class is almost over! I figured we had time for one more song and then we would enter into a warm-up. Boy was I wrong. Somehow, this crazy lady managed to cram 3 songs into the remaining 6 minutes of class – and she actually INCREASED her enthusiasm. She was literally in my face screaming for everyone to “shake it”, “move it”, and “let me hear you”. I kept backing up because I was afraid she was going to spit on me. At one point, she knocked me off balance. The look on Tess’s face said it all – this is hysterical, but we will never take lessons from a sub again!
The class finally came to an end and I am almost positive that everyone left feeling as if they barely escaped with only a shred of dignity left. Tess and I joked that we learned some good moves for the bedroom (again – sorry moms!). I am pretty sure that if I ever tried any of those moves in the bedroom Steven would burst into tears laughing and Bauer would go nuts and try to attack me. I really hope Koh is back next week….
Lesson learned: If you go to Zumba and your usual instructor isn’t there – hit up the treadmill for a half hour and call it a day!
Anything I’m leaving out here Tess? I honestly feel like our friendship reached a whole new level last night!