The One Where I Chased Bauer Down The Street & Terrified The Neighborhood Kids

Thursday morning proved to be another eventful morning at my house.  I'm not even sure where to begin - but I will do my best to explain how I found myself running barefoot through the neighborhood and how I nearly brought a  five year old to tears....

There are a few free roaming cats in our neighborhood.  I'm not a cat person myself, but they seem pleasant enough and have never really given us any trouble - so I've never paid much attention to them.  On a nice day, I will open the front door to let the sun come through the glass door (we've got a wood front door and a glass door on the outside if that makes sense).  It never fails - one of the neighborhood cats will come sit on the front porch staring into the house and utterly terrorizing my dogs.  Eventually Dixie becomes bored with the cat and moves on.  Bauer on the other hand would sit in front of the glass door all day long staring and growling at the cat if I would let him.  They are sworn enemies.

I'm still not exactly sure how this happened - but somehow, the cat got stuck in our garage yesterday morning.  I'm assuming that when Steven left for work, the cat entered the garage without Steven noticing and Steven closed the garage door on his way out trapping the cat in the garage.

I was dressed in business casual and heels and nearly ready to leave for work.  Before putting the dogs away, I remembered I needed to get a few things from my car.  I opened the the door to garage, hit the garage door opener and as light began to flood the garage, I was startled to see a cat sitting at the foot of the garage door as if he were waiting to be let into the house.

Unfortunately, I am not the only one who saw the cat.  Before I could swing the door closed, Bauer hurtled through the doorway and chased the cat out of the garage into the streets. 

I stood there completely perplexed for a split second trying to figure out what in the world had happened when I realized that Bauer was already one cul-de-sac up the neighborhood.  Immediately I sprinted out the garage after Bauer who was in full pursuit of this cat.

About fifty yards into my run it became apparent that my heels were slowing me down, so I jerked them off and threw them into a neighbor's yard.   I continued to run as fast I could, barefoot, down the middle of the street screaming for Bauer to come back. 

I watched as the cat ran up a tall tree and perched on a branch. Bauer did his best to climb that tree, but unfortunately he wasn't quite as stealth as the little kitty.

By the time I was able to reach Bauer, I was blind with rage.  My feet were throbbing from running a half mile barefoot on the asphalt.  My dress pants were ruined.  My head was pounding and my chest was aching from my unexpected morning run.  I*Was*Furious*

It occurred to me while trying to pry Bauer from the tree, that I didn't have his leash with me.  I deduced from his foaming mouth and determined growl that there was no way in hell Bauer was going to calmly follow me back to the house.  He was dead set on getting this cat.

So I did the only thing I could think to do.  I grabbed him by the collar and drug him down the street.  I drug my 75lb, strong-as-as-ox boxer the half mile back to my house by his collar.  And he was not happy about it!

He whined, pulled, growled, and tried to twist himself out of his collar the entire way. He kept trying to turn around and go after the cat again. I peeked over my shoulder and saw that the damn cat was actually following about 20 yards behind us.  Taunting Bauer the whole way home.  No matter what I did, I couldn't get Bauer to focus.

 And finally, I had enough.  I was late to work - I was dripping with sweat - I had broken two nails - and I had this overwhelming urge to burst into tears.  I stopped dead in the middle of the street and did the only thing I knew to do - try to reason with him.  Because everyone can reason with dogs.....right???

Now I can't remember *exactly* what I said to him, but I'm pretty sure it was something along the lines of.....

You stupid mutt!!!  It's just a cat!  A CAT!!!  If you don't cut it out I'm gonna take you to the pound.  Do you know what they do to bad dogs like you at the pound?!?!  They kill them!!  They stab you with a needle - fill you full of poison - and you die!!  Do you want to die?  You better start listening because I swear on all things holy if you don't get in the house right this minute I won't need to take you to the vet - I'll kill you myself!!!!!

And that's when I heard the terrified gasps.  I looked up to see four kids between the ages of five to ten standing on the street corner with a woman who I can only assume was one of their mothers.  The youngest child's bottom lip began to quiver and I'm pretty sure I heard the oldest one ask the mom if, "They really stab dogs and give them poison at the pound...."

My mind went blank.  I sheepishly apologized and muttered something about "just kidding" and "Bauer's a good boy" and "don't you worry".  I gave the mom my best "we've all had one of those days" looks - but she wasn't buying it.

That's about the time I noticed that my high heels were sitting a few feet from this mother who was silently scolding me with her death stare.  I seriously considered just leaving the shoes, but they are my favorites.   I drug Bauer towards the shoes - which only caused the children to panic further.  The crazy lady was coming for them!  Not wanting to scare the kids even more, I tried to keep as much distance from them as possible.  As soon as I was within reach, I stretched my right hand out to grab the shoes while keeping my left hand firm on Bauer's collar.

Once I had my heels in possession, I high tailed it out of there - the crazy, barefoot lady dragging her poor little puppy down the street. 

I'm so grateful we don't have an HOA in our neighborhood, because if so, there is a very good chance we would be receiving an eviction notice within the next week.

Once again - I'm so not ready for kids.........

PS - I would never - ever actually kill or hurt Bauer in any way!  I promise.  I was just having one of those moments where all I could see was red and I thought that threatening him was the way to go.  All you PETA peeps - please don't come banging down my door. I swear I treat my dogs better than I treat my husband!

And I also apologize to any mothers that I may have offended - I'm slightly embarrassed that those poor kids had to learn about what really happens when dogs "go to the farm" from me!