Friday, February 25, 2011

The One Where I Chased Bauer Down The Street & Terrified The Neighborhood Kids

Thursday morning proved to be another eventful morning at my house.  I'm not even sure where to begin - but I will do my best to explain how I found myself running barefoot through the neighborhood and how I nearly brought a  five year old to tears....

There are a few free roaming cats in our neighborhood.  I'm not a cat person myself, but they seem pleasant enough and have never really given us any trouble - so I've never paid much attention to them.  On a nice day, I will open the front door to let the sun come through the glass door (we've got a wood front door and a glass door on the outside if that makes sense).  It never fails - one of the neighborhood cats will come sit on the front porch staring into the house and utterly terrorizing my dogs.  Eventually Dixie becomes bored with the cat and moves on.  Bauer on the other hand would sit in front of the glass door all day long staring and growling at the cat if I would let him.  They are sworn enemies.

I'm still not exactly sure how this happened - but somehow, the cat got stuck in our garage yesterday morning.  I'm assuming that when Steven left for work, the cat entered the garage without Steven noticing and Steven closed the garage door on his way out trapping the cat in the garage.

I was dressed in business casual and heels and nearly ready to leave for work.  Before putting the dogs away, I remembered I needed to get a few things from my car.  I opened the the door to garage, hit the garage door opener and as light began to flood the garage, I was startled to see a cat sitting at the foot of the garage door as if he were waiting to be let into the house.

Unfortunately, I am not the only one who saw the cat.  Before I could swing the door closed, Bauer hurtled through the doorway and chased the cat out of the garage into the streets. 

I stood there completely perplexed for a split second trying to figure out what in the world had happened when I realized that Bauer was already one cul-de-sac up the neighborhood.  Immediately I sprinted out the garage after Bauer who was in full pursuit of this cat.

About fifty yards into my run it became apparent that my heels were slowing me down, so I jerked them off and threw them into a neighbor's yard.   I continued to run as fast I could, barefoot, down the middle of the street screaming for Bauer to come back. 

I watched as the cat ran up a tall tree and perched on a branch. Bauer did his best to climb that tree, but unfortunately he wasn't quite as stealth as the little kitty.

By the time I was able to reach Bauer, I was blind with rage.  My feet were throbbing from running a half mile barefoot on the asphalt.  My dress pants were ruined.  My head was pounding and my chest was aching from my unexpected morning run.  I*Was*Furious*

It occurred to me while trying to pry Bauer from the tree, that I didn't have his leash with me.  I deduced from his foaming mouth and determined growl that there was no way in hell Bauer was going to calmly follow me back to the house.  He was dead set on getting this cat.

So I did the only thing I could think to do.  I grabbed him by the collar and drug him down the street.  I drug my 75lb, strong-as-as-ox boxer the half mile back to my house by his collar.  And he was not happy about it!

He whined, pulled, growled, and tried to twist himself out of his collar the entire way. He kept trying to turn around and go after the cat again. I peeked over my shoulder and saw that the damn cat was actually following about 20 yards behind us.  Taunting Bauer the whole way home.  No matter what I did, I couldn't get Bauer to focus.

 And finally, I had enough.  I was late to work - I was dripping with sweat - I had broken two nails - and I had this overwhelming urge to burst into tears.  I stopped dead in the middle of the street and did the only thing I knew to do - try to reason with him.  Because everyone can reason with dogs.....right???

Now I can't remember *exactly* what I said to him, but I'm pretty sure it was something along the lines of.....

You stupid mutt!!!  It's just a cat!  A CAT!!!  If you don't cut it out I'm gonna take you to the pound.  Do you know what they do to bad dogs like you at the pound?!?!  They kill them!!  They stab you with a needle - fill you full of poison - and you die!!  Do you want to die?  You better start listening because I swear on all things holy if you don't get in the house right this minute I won't need to take you to the vet - I'll kill you myself!!!!!

And that's when I heard the terrified gasps.  I looked up to see four kids between the ages of five to ten standing on the street corner with a woman who I can only assume was one of their mothers.  The youngest child's bottom lip began to quiver and I'm pretty sure I heard the oldest one ask the mom if, "They really stab dogs and give them poison at the pound...."

My mind went blank.  I sheepishly apologized and muttered something about "just kidding" and "Bauer's a good boy" and "don't you worry".  I gave the mom my best "we've all had one of those days" looks - but she wasn't buying it.

That's about the time I noticed that my high heels were sitting a few feet from this mother who was silently scolding me with her death stare.  I seriously considered just leaving the shoes, but they are my favorites.   I drug Bauer towards the shoes - which only caused the children to panic further.  The crazy lady was coming for them!  Not wanting to scare the kids even more, I tried to keep as much distance from them as possible.  As soon as I was within reach, I stretched my right hand out to grab the shoes while keeping my left hand firm on Bauer's collar.

Once I had my heels in possession, I high tailed it out of there - the crazy, barefoot lady dragging her poor little puppy down the street. 

I'm so grateful we don't have an HOA in our neighborhood, because if so, there is a very good chance we would be receiving an eviction notice within the next week.

Once again - I'm so not ready for kids.........

PS - I would never - ever actually kill or hurt Bauer in any way!  I promise.  I was just having one of those moments where all I could see was red and I thought that threatening him was the way to go.  All you PETA peeps - please don't come banging down my door. I swear I treat my dogs better than I treat my husband!

And I also apologize to any mothers that I may have offended - I'm slightly embarrassed that those poor kids had to learn about what really happens when dogs "go to the farm" from me!

31 comments:

Mrs. Nelson said...

Omgoodness Amber! LOL! I'm sorry your morning wasn't off to a good start, but hey, it makes for a very good post ;) I loved this, and don't worry about your neighbor. I probably would have done the same thing! Have a good weekend sweets!

Kelly said...

Yea, she's gonna have a hard time explaining that to the kids......that was kinda bad in a funny sort of way... she will notice that you were in dress clothes (headed to work) and bare foot...sweating and dragging a dog...

With all that she doesnt need you to tell her that this was the wrong way to start your day. :)

If it makes you feel better I bet that at some point she has said to at least one of those kids "Talk to me in that tone again and I will knock your teeth out"....

Hope the rest of your day is much better!

Holley said...

What a way to start the day. I hope today is much calmer and Bauer doesn't dart off after the cat.
We have a cat in our neighborhood that does that to my dog. And to me, as well. The cat lounges lazily on my car as i yell for it to get off up until I'm just ALMOST close enough to grab it.
I generally don't mind cats, but i don't like the ones that have an attitude problem.

The Mrs. said...

Oh no, that's the worst! When my husky was little she got out of the apartment building we were living in. We lived on a REALLY busy intersection and she had sprinted down the street like a mile (she was super fast in her younger days). I started chasing her and she was on her way back and seen a flower garden. She stopped and I was able to get her. It was the hottest day in the history of Michigan (or so it felt like it was) and when I got her back inside I called Ryan telling him I wanted to take her to the pound because I was so mad. Obviously I didn't, but those days are terrible. I'm glad you finally got him back...hope the rest of your day went better! Have a good weekend!

Squirmy said...

Wow, what a morning! That does not sound like fun! Although it does make for a very good (and very funny!) blogpost! Hope you have a great weekend :)

Rebekah said...

Haha! I'm sorry, but I about died from laughing with what you said. Those poor children. They'll be ok. Worse things will happen so they shouldn't be scarred for life. I've been there though. Glenda likes to take off. She doesn't listen to me. Only Dylan. It's awesome. :)

Christina said...

Oh my! Haha...it's pretty comical, even though I know it wasn't at the time! I've been there, trust me!

Don't worry about the neighbor, you know she's had one of those days too, she just won't admit it :)

Katie said...

hahaha I'm sorry but I'm laughing so hard. I could picture you doing all of this girlfriend. I've definitely had my fair share of days like that..I'm sure those kids won't be TOO traumatized haha :)

Aly @ Analyze This said...

Hahaha! I can't help but laugh! Especially at you trying to reason with Bauer!!

Your poor heels and work pants! I would have been LIVID!!!

I hate cats. Actually, I loathe cats.

Young Mommy said...

You had one hell of a morning!
As a mommy, I had to laugh about that... haha is that bad?!

Have a great weekend!

xoxo

Bryan & Chelsey said...

And this is why I love you so much! Your life is way more exciting than mine! ;) And P.S. I think this scene should totally be in a movie or something! Hilarious! Oh and hope your feet are ok! :)

Ashley said...

Oh.my.goodness. That is too much Amber! Poor you. It definitely makes for a great post though.

Greer's Gossip said...

Oh no, I am sorry you had such a bad start to your day. But I do have to admit, I loved reading the story. You are such a good story teller! Hope you have a fabulous weekend.

Michelle (michabella) said...

OMG!!!! You poor thing!! But that is really funny. Something my dog would do though. I gasped at what you were saying to Bauer! I can't imagine how terrified the kids were! Bahaha. TGIF right? <3

Ashley said...

OK I know that this was traumatic and horrible and probably a little mortifying but I gotta admit girl, that crap is FUNNY! You can't make that up haha
I am sorry Bauer was being such a little jerk =/
At least you were level headed enough to try to apologize and be polite -- I probably wouldn't have been so considerate haha
I hope your day has gone better and that you have a lovely weekend

Laura said...

ugh... so this was the story.. Poor thing. :( I had a morning like that with Mia when I was back in Cbus...I don't even want to reminiss about that one.. makes me gag. Hope Bauer learned his lesson!!!

Jessica said...

I have totally done that before, luckily, my westie is small enough to throw over my shoulder. Lol!

Nicole said...

hahahaha nice! Yeah i would have been mortified! I reason with my dog every morning... it doesn't work...

PinkLouLou said...

HYSTERICAL. I feel as though this has happened ot me many times. OMG. Great post sister

PinkLouLou said...

oops, i did it again. I commented from wrong account. ;) well now here is the right one, HA.

agalandherdog said...

I've definitely had one of those mornings!

Kristin said...

Oh gosh girl. Yes, I've had those days. Days when I'm SO glad that no animal rights people live near enough to hear me. Darn dogs. Can't live with them, can't live without them. I hope that you and Baur have recovered and are working towards mending your relationship...I think they have counseling for that sort of thing. ;-)

Sarah said...

Oh. My. Word!! That is the craziest morning ever!!! I think I would have been seeing red at that point too. Late for work, sweaty, ruined dress pants, throbbing feet... Yeah...

I hope the rest of your day went better than that!!

Bursting at the Seam said...

Oh My Goodness! You crack me up! I know it wasn't funny at the time, but I laughed the entire time I read your blog!!

~Jodie

Britt @ The Adventures of Josh and Britt said...

I'm sure it wasn't funny then wow thats a great story :)
Just found your blog and will definitely be following!!

love jenny xoxo said...

lol you gotta love dogs!!

Great story!!

XOXO

http://lovejennyxoxo.blogspot.com

Neely said...

This post just made me laugh so hard!

Tyly said...

Hi-freakin-larious!!!! I've had to chase after Max before... glad to know my dog isn't the only not-perfect one. I get so jealous watching people that can walk their dogs with no leash! NO WAY. But anyway, your story is the best!!!

Stacey said...

well don't worry dear, now that mommy will you as the example to put fear in the kids..."Do you remember that lady with the dog? You are going to live with her"... Thank you again - I needed to laugh!

Brittany Ann said...

I have a similar experience every time Marvin notices a plumber/electrician parked anywhere on our street. For so docile a dog, he hates them. And it's the only time he takes off. He'd never leave our unfenced yard otherwise. Last week, I was in pajamas, fresh out of the shower in the evening, when it happened. My hubs was gone, and I had to run after him, grab him, and carry/drag him, all 90, Great-Dane, lab pounds of him, back to the house, as he tried to sit down and refuse to go mid-street, all while 24 weeks pregnant. I wanted to kill him, and I'm sure I looked raging crazy!

WannabeRunner said...

Ok, this post had me cracking up!! I love my dogs to death, but i have definitely had those moments where i want to threaten them with the pound! ;)



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