Friday, February 19, 2010

Shame On Me

Do you ever wonder when enough will finally be enough? I think I have passed blown through reached that point. I’m not trying to be a brat about all of this. I’m not trying to throw some pity party. “Poor Amber – she just has it so bad!” Because the truth of the matter is, that I am blessed – and I fully aware of that. I have an amazing husband who loves me even when I am a terror a brat selfish destructive unlovable. I have a successful career and we own our own home. We are blessed with parents and families who care for us and nurture us. But still…yesterday when I slammed into an oncoming car I felt like I had hit rock bottom.

The short and simple version goes something like this: I was turning left onto a busy, four lane street. Traffic on the right and left stopped and both drivers gave me the friendly wave to come on out. I peeked around the car to my right to see if another car was coming up the second lane and saw nothing. Sure as hell as soon as I started to make my left hand turn a white car came hurtling up a hill. I slammed on my breaks, but I was too late. We collided. And my car now looks something like this….

Surprisingly, I did not cry at first. My mind began to play through the “what next?” Check on the other driver – she’s fine. Call the police – no one is hurt, please send a traffic officer. Call the insurance company – how do I file a claim and have my car repaired. Try and move my car to a parking lot where it is safe. In the mix of all the commotion about 6 or 7 “gentleman” approached me asking if I needed help. Two of them actually offered to stay with me until the police came. Shockingly – none of them offered to help the older lady who was also in an accident. I guess my sweet little, “ohhh I can’t believe this – please feel sorry for me” face really does work.

The traffic officer was incredibly helpful. he was polite and issued no citations nor did he assign fault. He offered to call a tow truck for me at which point he asked, “Is there anyone who can come pick you up?” And that’s the point where I lost it. OMG – Steven is flying home from Indianapolis. I have no one to call. I am all alone. My parents are hours away. My in-laws are hours away. I am stranded in Uptown Charlotte with no one to care for me. Okay so maybe I was being a little crazy ridiculous dramatic – but I just couldn’t shake the feeling of loneliness. What if I had been really hurt? What if I had gone to the hospital and my closest loved ones were hours away? Ugh…it makes my stomach hurt to think of it.

Then I made the call I was dreading the most:
Steven: Hey babe! What’s up – I’m headed to the airport.
Me: I want you to know that I am fine, but I’ve been in a car accident. I’m okay though.
Steven: You’re kidding me?
Me: Nope – working with the police officer right now. I’ve already called State Farm and a tow truck is coming. I’m so sorry – I’m so sorry!
Steven: Honey, why are you apologizing? This is why we have insurance. Mistakes happen. I’m so glad you are okay – this is not a big deal. It’s okay.

I mean seriously? Couldn’t he just have freaked out on me a little bit? Because I certainly would have if the shoes were reversed. My biggest downfall is that I can’t keep a positive outlook in a crisis. I immediately start thinking gloom and doom. And to make matters worse I don’t keep the gloom and doom thoughts to myself – I share them so that everyone else starts to panic with me. But my perfect husband said exactly what I needed to hear at the exact moment I needed to hear and it and some irrational part of me was kind of annoyed about it.

I was even more annoyed that Steven was traveling when it happened. I mean, isn’t that what you get married for? So when you get into an accident you have someone to come and pick you up and just take care of everything for you? So you can mindlessly go through the motions until the shock wears off? But no…I was stuck in the cold making all the calls for myself and finding a ride to the car rental place and then filing all the forms myself. I was square in the middle of a prime time pity party and it wasn’t pretty.

I was irritated that Steven was compassionate and understanding when I made a mistake? I was mad that Steven was traveling when an unforeseen emergency happened– which by a way he travels as a requirement for his job that he performs so well and does in order to provide a wonderful life for us?? Oh yeah – I was in full on crazy mode and there wasn’t much stopping me. Thankfully by the time Steven made it home, I had calmed down significantly. I was just happy to see him. I was happy to hug him and know that everything truly would be okay. Accidents do happen. Unforeseen events in life are going to occur, but as long as I can run home to him, I think I’m going to be okay.

And now, almost a day later I feel like an ungrateful, selfish brat. As I complain about having to pay a $500 deductible to get my car fixed, there are people who have lost their jobs and are unable to provide food and shelter for their families. As I complain about a little paperwork, there are men and women losing their lives overseas to protect this country. As I complain about “life stresses” that just get me down, there are families fighting cancer and praying for one more day with their loved one.

Oh yeah – I’m a brat and I need to cheer up. Truth be told, I’m fortunate. I’m blessed. I’m saved by the grace of God and I’ve been given more mercy than I deserve. I’m young – I’m healthy – I’m free and I take it all for granted. Shame on me…shame on me.


Kate said...

You're not a brat, and we're glad you're okay!

Golden Stilettos said...

That fact that you've apologized for being a brat {in a situation where I can see myself being a brat too} is a very honorable thing!

At times like these it seems you're the "only one" things like this are happening to. But when you have a moment to stop and think, you think like you are now!

YOU'RE NOT A BRAT.. you just had " a moment"

Stephanie Hartman said...

Girl I am so glad you are okay and that was so sweet of those men to offer to help you. I always freak out when I get into accidents I got into one in an apartment complex and my car slid underneath a truck so I was hurting and crying adn freaking out knocking on doors to whoevers truck that was and then they started yelling at me I was like I'm so sorry...

But still yes accidents do happen..

Glad everyones okay. hope you havea Great weekend.

agalandherdog said...

How awful! It is hard to put things into perspective when you feel like everything is going wrong in your life (my husband and I went through this in a major way last year), but you are obviously very grounded and managed to find your blessings during a tough time. I'm so glad you're alright!

Mrs. Lukie said...

We've all been there, girl. I'm actually being a really big brat right this second to my husband via text message, for something that is beyond both of our control.

Thanks for sharing your heart and know that we don't judge :)

Heather Martin said...

Everyone does that when they get in an accident and have to pay for things that they dont plan for it. It doesnt make you a bad person. Glad youre alright!

Sole Matters said...

At least when you're a brat you're able to realize it! haha I think this happens to all of us at some point and time. I know Ive been through it before. Its the part of you that wants more, even though you know you're blessed. I guess thats human nature? Its kind of annoying sometimes. haha Glad you're okay!!

Brittany said...

I would have reacted the same way so don't feel bad. But at least you've admitted it! We just react when things happen and then take the time after things have calmed down to think about the situation. I'm glad you're ok though and no one got hurt! Cars can be fixed :-)

Try to have a good weekend!

Alissa said...

It's okay Amber! Things happen that we have no control over don't worry at least you understand now that your hubby has your best interest and it's good to have someone like him there in crisis situations. I'm glad you're safe.

Meagan@Megs7827 said...

I hate car accidents! I almost started crying just reading about it! Your husband was amazing. So glad you are ok!

Amber said...

I think we would all be like that in that situation! We can't help but to feel that way, no matter how blessed we are. Don't feel bad about that!

Glad you're okay and I hope you can catch a break!

Laura@Cowboy Boots said...

well if it makes you feel better my daughter drew your name for my giveaway! :o) i'm posting a blog on it tomorrow
glad you are ok!

d.a.r. said...

Oh my gosh girl, I am just so glad you are okay!!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh, don't feel bad. You acknowledge that you ARE blessed but that doesn't mean this stuff doesn't SUCK!!!! I mean, I think we'd all think you were crazy if you didn't get upset, hee hee!

*big hug*

Chelsey said...

You handled it much better than I would have! Way to go for staying so calm in the beginning! And don't worry, everyone gets to be a brat every once in a while! ;)

Becky said...

You are not a brat, it is totally okay to vent! Plus you have just been in a car accident. What person wouldn't be upset. Hope you have a better weekend!

Ria Thurston said...

Oh... glad your okay! What a sweet husband :) I am a newlywed too and blog about Life as a Wife! Come visit :) Blessings!!

Mrs P said...

O NO! I'm glad you are ok. You're not a brat and we're all entitled to a little freaking out.

Also, totally off topic, just noticed the pic at the bottom of your page - GORGEOUS!

Katie F said...

You are def not a brat. Accident's are a scary thing and they don't occur at a convenient time. You have every right to be upset but yes you are alive and you werent hurt so that's really all that mattes. Glad you are ok!!

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