Shame On Me

Do you ever wonder when enough will finally be enough? I think I have passed blown through reached that point. I’m not trying to be a brat about all of this. I’m not trying to throw some pity party. “Poor Amber – she just has it so bad!” Because the truth of the matter is, that I am blessed – and I fully aware of that. I have an amazing husband who loves me even when I am a terror a brat selfish destructive unlovable. I have a successful career and we own our own home. We are blessed with parents and families who care for us and nurture us. But still…yesterday when I slammed into an oncoming car I felt like I had hit rock bottom.

The short and simple version goes something like this: I was turning left onto a busy, four lane street. Traffic on the right and left stopped and both drivers gave me the friendly wave to come on out. I peeked around the car to my right to see if another car was coming up the second lane and saw nothing. Sure as hell as soon as I started to make my left hand turn a white car came hurtling up a hill. I slammed on my breaks, but I was too late. We collided. And my car now looks something like this….

Surprisingly, I did not cry at first. My mind began to play through the “what next?” Check on the other driver – she’s fine. Call the police – no one is hurt, please send a traffic officer. Call the insurance company – how do I file a claim and have my car repaired. Try and move my car to a parking lot where it is safe. In the mix of all the commotion about 6 or 7 “gentleman” approached me asking if I needed help. Two of them actually offered to stay with me until the police came. Shockingly – none of them offered to help the older lady who was also in an accident. I guess my sweet little, “ohhh I can’t believe this – please feel sorry for me” face really does work.

The traffic officer was incredibly helpful. he was polite and issued no citations nor did he assign fault. He offered to call a tow truck for me at which point he asked, “Is there anyone who can come pick you up?” And that’s the point where I lost it. OMG – Steven is flying home from Indianapolis. I have no one to call. I am all alone. My parents are hours away. My in-laws are hours away. I am stranded in Uptown Charlotte with no one to care for me. Okay so maybe I was being a little crazy ridiculous dramatic – but I just couldn’t shake the feeling of loneliness. What if I had been really hurt? What if I had gone to the hospital and my closest loved ones were hours away? Ugh…it makes my stomach hurt to think of it.

Then I made the call I was dreading the most:
Steven: Hey babe! What’s up – I’m headed to the airport.
Me: I want you to know that I am fine, but I’ve been in a car accident. I’m okay though.
Steven: You’re kidding me?
Me: Nope – working with the police officer right now. I’ve already called State Farm and a tow truck is coming. I’m so sorry – I’m so sorry!
Steven: Honey, why are you apologizing? This is why we have insurance. Mistakes happen. I’m so glad you are okay – this is not a big deal. It’s okay.

I mean seriously? Couldn’t he just have freaked out on me a little bit? Because I certainly would have if the shoes were reversed. My biggest downfall is that I can’t keep a positive outlook in a crisis. I immediately start thinking gloom and doom. And to make matters worse I don’t keep the gloom and doom thoughts to myself – I share them so that everyone else starts to panic with me. But my perfect husband said exactly what I needed to hear at the exact moment I needed to hear and it and some irrational part of me was kind of annoyed about it.

I was even more annoyed that Steven was traveling when it happened. I mean, isn’t that what you get married for? So when you get into an accident you have someone to come and pick you up and just take care of everything for you? So you can mindlessly go through the motions until the shock wears off? But no…I was stuck in the cold making all the calls for myself and finding a ride to the car rental place and then filing all the forms myself. I was square in the middle of a prime time pity party and it wasn’t pretty.

I was irritated that Steven was compassionate and understanding when I made a mistake? I was mad that Steven was traveling when an unforeseen emergency happened– which by a way he travels as a requirement for his job that he performs so well and does in order to provide a wonderful life for us?? Oh yeah – I was in full on crazy mode and there wasn’t much stopping me. Thankfully by the time Steven made it home, I had calmed down significantly. I was just happy to see him. I was happy to hug him and know that everything truly would be okay. Accidents do happen. Unforeseen events in life are going to occur, but as long as I can run home to him, I think I’m going to be okay.

And now, almost a day later I feel like an ungrateful, selfish brat. As I complain about having to pay a $500 deductible to get my car fixed, there are people who have lost their jobs and are unable to provide food and shelter for their families. As I complain about a little paperwork, there are men and women losing their lives overseas to protect this country. As I complain about “life stresses” that just get me down, there are families fighting cancer and praying for one more day with their loved one.

Oh yeah – I’m a brat and I need to cheer up. Truth be told, I’m fortunate. I’m blessed. I’m saved by the grace of God and I’ve been given more mercy than I deserve. I’m young – I’m healthy – I’m free and I take it all for granted. Shame on me…shame on me.