Once again – I’m staring at my computer screen in wondering if I should really share what happened to me at work yesterday. Because, well, it horrifying. I’ve had some pretty embarrassing stuff happen to me. But this, well this just tops them all. But I’m pretty sure you won’t find it as mortifying as I do. I’m pretty sure you will just find it funny – so here, let me put a smile on your face.
But first – in order for you to fully appreciate the gravity of what happened to me yesterday, I have to give a little background information….
There is this girl who works in my building – not for my company – but in the same building as me. I really don't like her. She b bops into work each day sporting only the most trendy of trendy fashions on her super slender size two frame, wearing 4 inch heels with a full face of makeup, hair always done and toes and nails perfectly manicured e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y. I mean *everyday*. I have seen her every workday for six months and not once has she looked disheveled, tired, poorly kept – nada – nothing – only perfection for my blonde arch nemesis.
And it never fails, every time I go to the bathroom (our office shares a bathroom with all the tenants on the first floor) – she is in there. All perfect looking and talking on her cell phone. Every flipping time!
So I tell myself that she’s single. That’s the only way she has the time to look that good every day. And she needs to look that good everyday because she might meet her Mr. Right that day – so she has to look her best each and every day. She has the time to look that good because she doesn’t have a house, hubby, puppies, etc. to care for and nurture each day. And she has a TON OF CREDIT CARD DEBT because she blows all of her money on trendy clothes, manicures, new shoes, etc.
I’m not saying that any of the above is true about this girl – but that’s what I tell myself to make myself feel less inferior. Because she is everything that I am not. And I hate having to see her every day.
So now that you know all my insecurities – let’s move on to what happened to me yesterday.
Remember how I mentioned how sore I was from my CrossFit workout on Saturday? My main area of soreness was my quads. I should not have worn heels to work on Monday. I literally was limping around the office.
Using the bathroom proved to be an incredibly difficult feat. The toilets in my office building are super low. I had to brace myself and practically hold onto the toilet paper rack while hovering. It felt like knives were shredding my thighs as I did my business. My legs were shaking uncontrollably. Upon completing my business, I began to stand - and that’s when it happened. My legs just gave out. Just completely gave out.
I tried to catch myself on the toilet paper rack and avoid falling backwards – but I failed miserably.
My head slammed against the stall and my right arm landed in the toilet. In the toilet – with my pee in it – that the automatic flusher hadn’t flushed yet.
I tried to pop back up as quickly as possible; however, my movement triggered the automatic flusher. My arm was sucked down as my own pee swirled around in circles completely soaking me. I pulled my arm from the toilet’s death grip and struggled to my feet. I ran to the sink and surveyed the damage in the mirror. Incredibly disgusted that my entire right arm was soaked in my own urine and panicked that I might smell like pee the entire day, I did the only logical thing I could think of. I took off my shirt and began to wash my entire arm with soap.
And that’s when she walked through the door. A look of total amusement on her face. I was standing there, shirtless with soap suds from my fingers to my shoulder and my shirt was soaking in the sink.
She said nothing – just stared at me mockingly.
I could have said nothing. I could have allowed her to simply wonder. But the silence was far too awkward and I felt an uncontrollable urge to explain. I should have said nothing…..but instead…I blurted….
“I fell in the toilet!”
She said nothing – just continued to stare.
“It had my pee in it!”
“Then the automatic flusher almost took my arm off!”
“So I had to wash my arm – which means I had to take my shirt off.”
“I swear I’m not a freak!”
To which she burst into hysterical laughter and walked out the bathroom door.
Seriously. No lie. She just turned around and walked out laughing. She didn’t even use the bathroom!
Tears sprang to my eyes. I grabbed my shirt in an angry huff. Who the heck is she to laugh at me?!?! Laugh at me!?!?! I’ve got thirty pounds on that girl – I could whip her…..
And then I remembered that I was the one standing there shirtless with soap covering half of my upper body when she walked in. And I told her that I fell into my own pee. Could I really blame her for laughing?
I threw my shirt back on and cursed myself for not wearing a sexier bra that day – or at least a bra that didn’t have bleach stains on it.
I passed my boss I walked back into the office and he said, “Wow Amber – lay off the hand sanitizer!” To which I wanted to retort, “It was either smell way too sanitized or smell like pee! Take your choice!”
But I said nothing and locked myself up in my office. I figured my day was already bad enough – no need to make the boss mad so early in the week.
What a Monday….
Don't worry..I've dusted myself off today and I'm sitting here laughing as I type this - because, yes, I fell into my own pee and got caught half naked in the bathroom. I'm beginning to think if someone followed me around with a video camera we could make a lot of money!