Tuesday, August 17, 2010

It Could Only Happen To Me....

Once again – I’m staring at my computer screen in wondering if I should really share what happened to me at work yesterday. Because, well, it horrifying. I’ve had some pretty embarrassing stuff happen to me. But this, well this just tops them all. But I’m pretty sure you won’t find it as mortifying as I do. I’m pretty sure you will just find it funny – so here, let me put a smile on your face.

But first – in order for you to fully appreciate the gravity of what happened to me yesterday, I have to give a little background information….

There is this girl who works in my building – not for my company – but in the same building as me. I really don't like her. She b bops into work each day sporting only the most trendy of trendy fashions on her super slender size two frame, wearing 4 inch heels with a full face of makeup, hair always done and toes and nails perfectly manicured e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y. I mean *everyday*. I have seen her every workday for six months and not once has she looked disheveled, tired, poorly kept – nada – nothing – only perfection for my blonde arch nemesis.

And it never fails, every time I go to the bathroom (our office shares a bathroom with all the tenants on the first floor) – she is in there. All perfect looking and talking on her cell phone. Every flipping time!

So I tell myself that she’s single. That’s the only way she has the time to look that good every day. And she needs to look that good everyday because she might meet her Mr. Right that day – so she has to look her best each and every day. She has the time to look that good because she doesn’t have a house, hubby, puppies, etc. to care for and nurture each day. And she has a TON OF CREDIT CARD DEBT because she blows all of her money on trendy clothes, manicures, new shoes, etc.

I’m not saying that any of the above is true about this girl – but that’s what I tell myself to make myself feel less inferior. Because she is everything that I am not. And I hate having to see her every day.

So now that you know all my insecurities – let’s move on to what happened to me yesterday.

Remember how I mentioned how sore I was from my CrossFit workout on Saturday? My main area of soreness was my quads. I should not have worn heels to work on Monday. I literally was limping around the office.

Using the bathroom proved to be an incredibly difficult feat. The toilets in my office building are super low. I had to brace myself and practically hold onto the toilet paper rack while hovering. It felt like knives were shredding my thighs as I did my business. My legs were shaking uncontrollably. Upon completing my business, I began to stand - and that’s when it happened. My legs just gave out. Just completely gave out.

I tried to catch myself on the toilet paper rack and avoid falling backwards – but I failed miserably.

My head slammed against the stall and my right arm landed in the toilet. In the toilet – with my pee in it – that the automatic flusher hadn’t flushed yet.

I tried to pop back up as quickly as possible; however, my movement triggered the automatic flusher. My arm was sucked down as my own pee swirled around in circles completely soaking me. I pulled my arm from the toilet’s death grip and struggled to my feet. I ran to the sink and surveyed the damage in the mirror. Incredibly disgusted that my entire right arm was soaked in my own urine and panicked that I might smell like pee the entire day, I did the only logical thing I could think of. I took off my shirt and began to wash my entire arm with soap.

And that’s when she walked through the door. A look of total amusement on her face. I was standing there, shirtless with soap suds from my fingers to my shoulder and my shirt was soaking in the sink.

She said nothing – just stared at me mockingly.

I could have said nothing. I could have allowed her to simply wonder. But the silence was far too awkward and I felt an uncontrollable urge to explain. I should have said nothing…..but instead…I blurted….

“I fell in the toilet!”

She said nothing – just continued to stare.

“It had my pee in it!”

Still….nothing.

“Then the automatic flusher almost took my arm off!”

Nothing.

“So I had to wash my arm – which means I had to take my shirt off.”

Nada.

“I swear I’m not a freak!”

To which she burst into hysterical laughter and walked out the bathroom door.

Seriously. No lie. She just turned around and walked out laughing. She didn’t even use the bathroom!

Tears sprang to my eyes. I grabbed my shirt in an angry huff. Who the heck is she to laugh at me?!?! Laugh at me!?!?! I’ve got thirty pounds on that girl – I could whip her…..

And then I remembered that I was the one standing there shirtless with soap covering half of my upper body when she walked in. And I told her that I fell into my own pee. Could I really blame her for laughing?

I threw my shirt back on and cursed myself for not wearing a sexier bra that day – or at least a bra that didn’t have bleach stains on it.

I passed my boss I walked back into the office and he said, “Wow Amber – lay off the hand sanitizer!” To which I wanted to retort, “It was either smell way too sanitized or smell like pee! Take your choice!”

But I said nothing and locked myself up in my office. I figured my day was already bad enough – no need to make the boss mad so early in the week.

What a Monday….

Don't worry..I've dusted myself off today and I'm sitting here laughing as I type this - because, yes, I fell into my own pee and got caught half naked in the bathroom.  I'm beginning to think if someone followed me around with a video camera we could make a lot of money!

59 comments:

d.a.r. said...

Oh sweet girl, I am so sorry.

On the other hand, sounds like your workouts are working :)

Jennifer said...

OH MY GOSH. I would be horrified. And sorry but this sounds like something that would happen in one of the chick-lit books I like to read like Bridget Jones or something. I feel so bad. I guess anyone would laugh at it if it wasn't them it happened to. Try to keep your head up and especially now that you have to see this girl everyday after this happened.

You can just think...well if you see her ALL the time in the bathroom at work no matter when you go in there...she must not be doing much work. SLACKER!

Natalie said...

OH MY GOSH!!!!! I canNOT believe she just laughed at you! I mean yes it is funny, but if someone said that to me I would help them wash their arm or guard the door or SOMETHING! What a jerk!
Just remember-she is so not as flawless as she seems-she probably has a sad life and had to laugh at you to make herself feel better : (

lindsey said...

Amber! I am so sorry to hear about this pee incident! I've fallen into a toilet before and there is nothing worse than being soaked in your own pee...especially at work! I hope today treats you better! And as for that girl...I want to say just do your best and ignore her, but quitely frankly after reading about her she's getting on my nerves, too.

Miss Chelsea said...

Oh wow. You poor thing. I think you should trip her next time you see her...

Pixie said...

OMG I'm so sorry that happened to you, not to make you feel better or anything, it's normally the stuff that happens to me.
My first day at college when I was 16, it was raining slightly, so the step to the auditorium where wet, I walked in to find myself a seat, I was late and so all the seats near the back were taken, so I had to go doen the front, there was probably abot 200 people in there waiting to find out who's class they were in, I fell...thats right...from the second step from the top to half way down! OMG I have never in my life stood up and found a seat so fast in all of my life lol. Not only that I then thought I heard my name called stood up and went to the class with the other kids, only to find out I went to the wrong class, I then was escorted to the correct room by the 'hot' teacher only to hear some size 2, thought she was hot girl at the back of the class snigger to her friend 'oh look its the girl that fell down the stairs' The SHAME! Hahahaha

Carolyn @ life, love & puppy prints said...

I can't believe she laughed at you and then walked out. What about a "can I help you?" or a "are you ok?"... Seriuosly.... what a bizzo!

Can't believe this happened to you though! Sounds like something that would happen to me! LOL

DORCAS said...

OH! Amber…You poor thing. I hope your day today is going better. I am sorry this happened to you.

About that girl…Brush her off. You are on beautiful woman! There is no need to feel threatened by her. Sometimes people are that way because they feel 'inferior" and the only way to make themselves feel better is by doing that that they do.

~blessings to you

Dorcas

4sweetangels.blogspot.com

THE Stephanie said...

OMG That's horrible! But I'm glad you can laugh about it today, b/c it is pretty funny.

I'm so sorry!!

nicole said...

This is so hysterical, but I'm so sorry!

Sarah Beth - Dixie Gator Gal said...

You sure did have one heck of a Monday-the week can only get better!

Same Sweet Girl: Memoir of a Southern Belle said...

Oh my goodness gracious! That is something from a movie girl!! You know these things happen to you just so you can tell us about them the next day!!!! You are here for our entertainment! LOL!! Seriously though I am so sorry. That is just terrible. You're right...she probably is single and she probably has tons of credit card debt and maybe lots of cats. :)

Aly @ Analyze This said...

OMG Amber!! I am dying laughing in my office right now!

And seriously, what is stuck up that bitches ass?! How rude!! I would have laughed, yes, but I definitely would have helped you in any way that I could!!

Miss Southern Vol said...

HAHA this is hilarious! That soo sounds like one of those "only I could do" sorta things! At least you are sweet and have a since a humor unlike Miss. Priss in the office! Hope your Tuesday is much better

Tori and Chad said...

I am gasping!!! Oh, Amber! Dear sweet, Amber! I love it!

And I totally tell myself that those girls are single and in may-jor credit card debt and spend their weeknights measuring out how many grapes they can eat!

Kaylee Rae said...

I am so sorry!!! But can barely halp myself crying I am laughing so hard... glad you can shake it off and laugh today, I would probably cry.

Mrs. Muffins said...

I read this quietly to myself, well I was giggling... but then I re-read it outloud to my husband and I became hysterical. Something like that would so totally happen to me!!!! I can totally picture it :) I'll sit here and cross my fingers that that girl has something much more humiliating happen to her, and soon! ;)

Katie said...

omg!!!! i'm sorry, but i was giggling. as i'm sure you have at this point. especially when you told your hubs. don't worry about that girl, she thinks she's hot stuff (obviously, from the way she reacted) and loves herself more than any person should love themself. you can tell from the reaction. a down to earth girl would've laughed with you and said something like "oh my gosh, are you okay? that's really funny, but are you okay!?!" not just laughed at you and walked out.

and way to go on the crossfit, i can't WAIT til i can start doing "real" workouts again :)

Stacey said...

You are incredible! And honey, there is no way she can hold a candle to you. You look fabulous when you go to work, I know you! Don't sell yourself short. Now yes I am rolling and having to control not Laughing out Loud for everybody else to ask me. My mascara is ruined (and I actually put it on for work today) but thanks! I needed that!! She has bad days.. we just don't get to know about it!

Sammy said...

ohmygosh! I'm so sorry she laughed at you, I would feel so awful if someone told me that happened to them...


Hope your week gets better! :)

Anne said...

Wow! Who does that? To not even say anythingand just laugh. I'm so sorry. Glad you can laugh at yourself though. Maybe she needs Jesus.

Jordan said...

Oh my goodness! That DOES sound like a rough day! Don't you hate it when people can't just surprise you and be nice for a change!? I'm sure you're right about that girl and she has lots of insecurities (and debt!). Hope today goes better for you!

Stephanie Hartman said...

OH MY GOSH!! I would have had to go home I would have been so embaressed. That is seriously funny though. I can't believe she didn't even ask if you were okay.

I would have made sure you were okay then laughed at it lol..

An Inquiring Mind said...

Oh, no! I'm so sorry that happened to you! I hope it's one of those things you can eventually look back on and laugh. I bet things like that happen to that other girl too though!

Sara said...

Oh you poor thing!! That story is equally hilarious and horrible. I hope your day got better and you could look back on this and laugh. I think we all have "that girl" in our office that makes us feel inferior. But I promise she ain't got nothing on you!! Today you deserve lunch out! And maybe a pedicure. :)

Brittany said...

OH MY GOODNESS! I'm so sorry this happened to you, but this is hilarious! I really think someone should start following you around with a camera :) I'm so glad you can laugh about it today.

Maybe I shouldn't try out that crossfit because I don't want to fall in a toilet! I know how your legs were feeling though. I hope they're feeling better today!!

Kristin said...

Oh my good gracious!!!! Amber I'm about to die from laughter (but completely empathetic laughter I assure you ;-). I'm so glad you're ok, and hope that today is a MUCH better day for you! Moments like that keep us humble (or mortified!), don't they? Sending a big Tuesdays-are-better-than-Mondays hug! ~K

Nicole said...

thank you for sharing... I needed a laugh today before I just break down crying! now I feel a little better :)

melslatt said...

Wow - what a B that girl is. Thanks for making me laugh.

Bryan and Chelsey's Moss Moments said...

OH. MY. GOD. I cannot believe you fell in the toilet and then blurted that out in front of her! You poor thing! Don't worry about it though! Don't let it get to you~ she doesn't matter. ;)

allissa said...

That is both mortifying and hilarious. What a good story the next day though!

Marian said...

Oh my goodness...you'll get a kick out of this one in the years to come. I can't believe that the toilet actually flushed on you. But don't worry, it happens to the best of us:)

Melanie said...

OH my goodness!! I about had tears in my eyes from laughter..you poor thing! That had to be humiliating..but at least you can laugh at the situation today! If it had been me I would have felt the same way (and reacted the same way to "Miss Size 2")! I can't believe she walked out..laughing!!! Who knows..maybe someday in the future she'll be the one washing the pee off her arm and you can laugh at HER!

Laura said...

This has to be the best post I HAVE EVER READ. I'm sitting here on my couch tears rolling down my face from laughing so hard... when my fiance comes in and asks whats wrong?! i had to read it to him.. so we're both sitting here crying with laughter. I'm so sorry hunny.. I know MOnday had to be horrible.. but looking back, i'm glad you are able to laugh too. THank goodness for your office and being able to just lock yourself in there the rest of the day :) hehe. Hope your legs are feeling better-- the way mine are feeling tonight, I think i'd probably do the same thing.

Laura said...

p.s. I had to do it.. but I wrote a post a couple minutes ago.. FEATURING YOU :) ... because you truly made my night.. (it's been a bad evening...)

Brandi said...

OMG!! Hilarious! Sorry girl but this is too funny! I was almost in tears from reading this! I think that is because I can totally see this happening to myself!

Whitney said...

I'm so sorry girl!

Mateya said...

What a little snot! Most normal people would have said "Oh my gosh!" with a chuckle and then offered to help you!

On the bright side...that soreness is a GREAT thing! :) It will only get better!

Trish said...

Oh Amber, you are such a priceless gem! I am so sorry that happened to you!! If it makes you feel any better, you have a real way with words and told the story beautifully! Thanks for the smile sweetie, hope your day is going smoothly today!! xoxoxo Love & hugs!

Ms. Emily Ann said...

Haha oh my goodness girl! This is just an awful, hysterical story. And I can relate because although I have never been taken out by the toilet, I did get in a fight with the automatic soap dispenser that shot foam into my clean dry hair as I tried relentlessly to figure out how to turn the water on....which led to me washing my hair in the sink. Thank goodness I was alone! But still quite mortifying.

At least we can laugh at ourselves :)

Aleesha said...

I stumbled upon your blog while blog hopping and oh.my.gosh!! You are hilarious! What a terrible Monday! I look forward to enjoying more of your blog. . . Thanks for the laugh!
♥ Aleesha

Kelly said...

Let me explain why she laughed:

Because she looks at you everyday, although you do not think you look great…she does, she thinks “this girl has her stuff together, she is naturally beautiful and doesn't have to spend the time that I do getting herself presentable. She has beautiful naturally blonde hair, amazing blue eyes and personality to boot. I just have these clothes that I've gone into debt up to my eyeballs buying and will never be able to get a home because my credit will suck from all the wasteful spending I'm doing now. I hate her because she has everything and I’m going to be an old maid.”

So when you fell into the pee...she had to laugh it made her feel better. :)

Hope today is better.

Sarah said...

Oh my gosh!!! I would have cried too! Actually, I probably would have cried the moment my arm landed in the toilet.

Don't let that girl bother you. She may have it all together on the outside, but I'm sure she's a completely different person on the inside. And if she's always in the bathroom on the phone...she's not much of an employee either.

Bethany Grace said...

Oh my word ! I would have cried and just left work! yes I am THAT big of a baby! I read your blog often but this is the first i have commented! haha you just reminded me so much of myself I had to say something! but we've all had our moments of embarrassment!I hope you have a better day today!

Alissa said...

Oh Amber you always amuse me! So embarrasing, but you know if that would have happened to me I would have made that even more uncomfortable than that I'm sure. You're so cute, love your stories.

Mary Loyal said...

Ok, I literally had TEARS streaming down my face as I read this. That is absolutely hysterical, and yet I am so sorry it happened! I am so glad you are okay, and that workout definitely sounds like it is paying off! Don't be embarassed- stuff like that happens to all of us at some point! I admire you for posting! I love your honesty!

maryloyal.blogspot.com

Meagan said...

Well it should also make you feel better that I'm sure if that girl wrote a blog she wouldn't have as many readers and 47 comments like you do! I am right there with ya, glad I don't have a girl like that I have to see every day! I know that pain in your quads and trying to pee thing. Never fallen in the toilet but I don't work out hard enough anymore for the quad pain or I'm sure I would! I'm gonna knock on wood now so I don't fall in ever!

Misty Michelle said...

OH MY GOODNESS!!!! I Am in my office literally laughing hysterically!!!! I am so incredibly sorry this happened to you but HOLY CRAP.. HILARIOUS!!!!!

~Misty

Brittany Ann said...

1. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. And I'm also sorry that I did laugh a little at this. But only because this is something I'd totally do.

2. I'd hate that girl too. I have a version of her, too, and I hate her just as much.

3. Kind of witchy that she just laughed and walked out. She could have offered to help or been sympathetic. It's in the girl code!

Jessica @ Acting Adult said...

I have to admit, that's really funny, but I can only imagine how horrified you were when she walked in! What a horrible way to start the week. At least the other days will be better, right? Oh boy...

ens said...

OMG! that is so funny but I HATE THAT BITCH! she sucks

Ashley said...

I am so sorry that you had that happen to you. But at the same time, I can't stop laughing...as if that happened?!!?! And what a jerk! As if she didn't say anything?

JoJo said...

Laura was right! This is a great story and you told it so well! Don't let the single credit card debt bitches bring you down girl!!

Keep your head held high and even if you don't feel it act like you're the sexiest bitch in the room!

I'm glad your laughing this off now because it is quite hilarious and I'm so glad I found your blog!

Lindsay said...

Oh my goodness!! Well at least now when someone asks you your most embarressing moment you won't hesitate for an answer...:-)

Way to be postitive about it!

xo

OneCraftyFox said...

Oh hunny!! You know what I HONESTLY think? Not only is this girl a bi@tch for having laughed and just walked away, but I think she is also insecure. I have found the women I have met over the years that primp and look perfect and fill their social calenders (come on, cell phone conversations in the bathroom?!) are generally trying to fill some kind of void or are desperate for attention. Seriously. That much effort does not go for nothing!!

I can't believe she didn't say A SINGLE word. That is just rude beyond belief. I think awkward laughter and a bit of reassurance was absolutely necessary in this situation.

If I would have walked into the bathroom, I would at least have made sure you had another shirt to put on, and probably asked how you fell in the toilet to begin with :)

Kristin said...

I hope that girl falls in a toilet someday!!

amber said...

i am a new follower and just saw this post. i was literally laughing out loud :)

Design Apprentice said...

Wow, I am so so sorry.

This sounds like something that would happen to me too so I empathize so much.

And I don't like this girl one bit. I am surprised having never met you how defensive I got while reading this post. She should have offered to get you something or asked if you were okay.

The fact of the matter is that not everyone has big hearts.

PinkLouLou said...

I am crying laughing at work. No joke. I just found your blog, and this post, and had to forward to all of my sorority sisters. You are hysterical, and I just had to explain to my boss why I had mascara rolling down my cheeks. Oh thank you so much for that story.



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