Create In Me A Clean Heart

Do you ever feel the weight of your sins? It seems to me that the closer I come to Christ, the more aware I am of my sinfulness. Suddenly the “big” sins I have focused on my entire life are no longer at the forefront of my mind – instead I find myself feeling pains of guilt as I gossip about my friends or use crude language. I am no longer able to argue with my husband without thinking of my calling as a wife to respect my husband and honor his authority in our home. Suddenly it bothers me to tell a little white lie even when there “really is no harm in it”. I’m constantly aware of the example I am setting for my non-Christian friends and incredibly ashamed of that poor example.

In all honesty, I am living a more “moral” and “ethical” life than I have ever lived – but somehow, I feel more sinful than ever. I am a Christ follower – but how often to my actions actually imitate those of Christ? Do I seek to be a blessing to those around me – or am I constantly thinking of my own desires and well being? Am I slow to anger and quick to forgive – or do I keep a tally of who has wronged me and wait for “the last straw” so I can “rightfully” lose my temper? Do I respect my husband’s position as the head of our house and yield to his guidance for our home – or do I puff up my chest as a working woman and believe that I am his equal in every way?

These questions plague me. They literally keep me up at night. I wish I could articulate persuasive words to pray to God. I wish I could tell Him how sorry I am for my many failures in a beautiful way so He could know my heart’s desire is pure. But I’m no psalmist – certainly no eloquent writer. So I keep reading the words of King David and pray God sees my heart’s desire even if I cannot state it as sincerely as the psalmist says…..

Psalm 51

1 Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
3 For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
4 Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.
6 Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being,
And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.
7 Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Make me to hear joy and gladness,
Let the bones which You have broken rejoice.
9 Hide Your face from my sins
And blot out all my iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me away from Your presence
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
And sustain me with a willing spirit.

For even though I fail time and time again, I want to be blameless in His sight. I long for His presence in my life. I know my wrong doings and pray for forgiveness – grateful that, unlike me, He is always quick to forgive and cast my sins as far as the east is from the west.  Thankfully, He is a loving and caring God who accepts my prayers and delights in my desire to be more like Christ.  My failures are not final and I am always forgiven.  What a loving God!